trouble connecting with therapist - anyone experience this?

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I've been going to therapy, initially went thinking my problems with relationships and connection with other people were a product of family issues when i was young, but it is becoming clear to me now that i probably have AS.

i'm crying out of frustration in the therapy sessions because i'm having so much trouble connecting with my therapist. the inability to understand each other is exactly why i'm there! she's witnessing it in action, but i'm so confused, i can't even articulate or make sense of what i think i need from the therapy.

has anyone else had this problem? and how did you manage to make it meaningful, or communicate well enough with the therapist that you were able to move past the disconnection and work through bigger issues?

i feel like i've reverted back almost to infancy, and i'm starting from zero trying to make sense of the world. i'm lost!

and another question - does getting a diagnosis help with this sort of thing? is it easier to work through problems if you have that context to use as a starting point?

This is a common "problem"for many people seeking therapy. If you don't feel a connection with this specific therapist, prehaps you need to look for another therapist who is more compatiable.There are so many therapists to choose from...it is like trying on a pair of shoes for the "right" one that fits the most comfortably.

I am continually astounded by therapists. Each one thinks I have some clear concept what their role is and how I should be working with them. When I ask "what is your role here, and how should I work with you?" they say "mmmm. . .what do you think my role is?" and "how do you think I should work with you?" I didn't realize it was a technique of 'turning the question back on myself'. I was looking for information, but they thought I was being BPD.

(by the way, I hear Borderline Personality Disorder is just therapy short hand for 'this person is smarter than you, and your usual dreck won't work'.)


Merle

yes, this is exactly what's happening. i'm trying to figure out how people ordinarily connect and form understandings with one another, and she's asking me to tell her how i think it's done. i'm supposed to arrive at some understanding myself. i have been trying to do this my whole life!! total backfire. if i could make sense of it, i wouldn't be in therapy in the first place.

i don't know if she's a bad fit or if the conventions of talk therapy are such that i won't get anything out of it at all unless someone takes a really unconventional approach.

Read up about 'transference' and 'counter-transference'.

If that doesn't put you off the idea of going to therapy then nothing will.

Maybe write/type out some things, then let her ask questions. Trying to juggle a bunch of complicated personal stuff, plus worrying about messing up or forgetting can be hard to handle. My Dr encouraged bringing in the written stuff the first time I did it.

This is the fundamental concept of Rogerian therapy. NTs love it, because it gives them an opportunity to share their feelings and opinions. But for aspies, it's their worst nightmare. Why? Because nearly 99% of questions in Rogerian therapy are not information requests; they're ways to "bring a patient's feelings to the surface". (I will not use the term "client"; it sounds like a patronizing euphemism.) After all, when an aspie hears a question, he assumes that the therapist wants information. But it can't be answered if the answer doesn't exist! Case in point: the dreaded "how did that make you feel?" In the end, the patient gets retraumatized, becomes more depressed, and has to keep coming back for more therapy. Of course, there are situations where Rogerian therapy can do wonders, even for aspies, but still, it doesn't deserve the popularity it gets.

thank you guys so much.

i wonder .. is there a particular kind of therapy that might be more helpful? something that will give me some insights instead of beating my head against a wall?

The last therapist I went to, she came and got me from the waiting room. She introduced herself and shook hands with me and I introdced myself. So we walk to her room and I sat down and she sat at her desk, and then (I have been to a few therapists and never encountered this) she sat there and stared at me, saying nothng.

I couldnt think of anything to say, so I just sat there as well, feelng uncomfortable, hoping she would say somethng. Finally as the silence stretched on, I said 'um, I cant thnk of anything to say.' she then started the session. I was thinking "WTF? was that some kind of psychologist trick she was doing on me?" I didnt warm to her after that. Only went to her twice.

i was trained in that when I did phone counsellng. It worked for some people but a lot of people saw through it, particularly the long term callers. Really there is no one size fits all technique for counselling...

all this info about rogerian therapy (a term i had never heard) clarifies things for me. any type of therapy that can be "seen through" is not right for me. i will feel manipulated and resent the therapist, and then i'll negate any "breakthrough" i've made once i get a chance to think about what just happened.

honestly, wrong planet has helped me more than therapy.

i'm not giving up on the idea, but i don't think i can be helped at all by this method.

rogerian therapy is designed to empower the client- convey to them that the therapist is merely a facilitator, not a person with all the answers. Advice can never be given, only suggested. Feelngs are something to be clarified at every part of the session.

However that technique is extremely limited when workng wth people who are not particularly in touch wth their feelings.It also sounds like you need specific coaching with social skills, a therapist would have to understand AS to understand this but many dont.

One counsellor I went to had a high school job and a side job counselling people wth AS. She said people with AS were so much easier to counsel in some ways as her NT clients wold often refuse to talk and go along with the session and her AS clients were incredbly straightforward, which made the job easier for her. So if your therapist has only had NT clients they would be using all the techniques in the book on you as they wouldnt realise how straightforward you are.

quoted for truth. I literally shudder to think what would have happened to me once I knew I was AS and without WP. I have worked though so much and met other people just like me, no not sorta like me for a little while till they wandered onto other things, but just like me on WP.

And I am forever grateful.

Merle

If anything, I'd say that this type of therapy is disempowering. Think about it. The therapist puts you on the spot with the question "how did that make you feel?" When you try to answer it the best you can, he/she says "no, that's thinking; what did you feel?". So you're stuck with two options: guessing multiple times hoping your answer will be "correct", or memorizing "correct" answers before coming to the sessions. Mind you, that's all while being told that "there are no right or wrong answers". Lies and more lies! How is that empowering, may I ask?

By the way, here's the best weapon against the "how did that make you feel" question: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emotions. So, in this case, knowing you can outsmart the therapist can give you some sense of power, but that's probably not what the therapy wants to teach you. Oh well, we do what we gotta do.

I've been given a handout in therapy of "what do you feel?" with emotions listed (with faces) underneath them. Yes, very nice, but that doesn't help me. I just pick which one seems logical.

Is anyone really good at fooling therapists? I seem to have memorized logical and textbook responses to things and when I'm in therapy I can describe how I think something should make me feel and the therapist thinks I have great insight into myself when really it's all a play act. I'm not misleading these therapists on purpose, it's just reflex of me to spout the "correct" response to cover up the fact that I have no idea.

but it does sound like a waste of money. What do you get out of it?