I read this post, the ones you linked, plus one about how you feel about your sexuality.
I guess I "came out alive". Some of your experiences I don't share, however I have been bullied, I've questioned my sexuality, I have anxiety problems and I had clinical depression of some sort (had antidepressants, therapy and major depression related problems) along with major self esteem issues for about 4 years starting at age nine. I've come out alive, I'm not bullied anymore and I came out of the depression I had around when I was 14 (I'm almost 18 now). I'm not so afraid of my sexuality. However, after the four year depression I have had many short bursts of depression, especially when stressed. My anxiety is better in some ways, worse in others. However, overall things are better. Even if they're not perfect, it can be for you too so please don't kill yourself even if you have those thoughts.
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I have always believed there is no reason for life other than what biology tells you, we're born, we reproduce and we die- that is all I have left in the world.
Not to be harsh, but that attitude isn't healthy or true. Biology isn't a purpose, it just is. Evolution guided organisms to reproduce without reason or thought, just with mechanisms. So the purpose of your life (since that's what's important) is up to you, since you life is yours, and you reason and think, not evolution. And, given time, effort and guidance, you have many reasons to live. Being born, reproducing & dying
isn't all you have left in the world. What you have left are decades of your life to do with as you please, a variety of talents and possibilities, people, what you feel, you, and so much more. You will get more as you move on, even if you sometimes lose out. You have the opportunity to change, because you think, feel and grow, and life has so many variables that it's guaranteed to change.
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but I have been bullied and I know, no matter how much I have always wanted to have a baby of my own, I will never put a child through having two female parents.
I get where you're coming from, you don't want a child to go through being bullied for having same sex parents. But if you're a lesbian, there is a possibility you could have a child in a same sex marriage without them being bullied, or at least bullied much. For one thing, times are changing. It will probably be many years before you marry someone (if you do) so the world you will get married in will probably be different and more accepting than the world as it is now. It will be the same for any kids you might have. Also you may have some control over how accepting of an environment any kid of yours would grow up in. Some places are more accepting than others; while one school may completely destroy a kid for having gay parents. You can search for gay friendly schools online, and it's already known some places are more friendly than others (to use a cliche, San Francisco, California.)
On the other hand I saw this post
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I only began to question this earlier this year. I had always presumed I was straight but out of nowhere really I began to think perhaps I was into girls rather than boys.
from you and I think there are other possibilities.
For one, there are sexual orientations other than straight and gay, like bisexual.
Also it could just be your anxiety, since you said you have that. There's even a term for anxiety about being gay contrary to ones actual identity. It's HOCD, Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. A person who isn't gay has sudden anxiety they could be gay, then get worked up and keep doing mental checks to see if they are or not. The anxiety goes against evidence or what they feel their orientation is. They may have homosexual thoughts but don't feel good about them. It's different from a homosexual's anxiety about their orientation for reasons. It doesn't necessarily mean someones homophobic, it's natural to find the idea of being someone you're not worrisome. I'm not saying you have it, but it might be worth looking into (aka googling). Also, you may be interested in the idea of having it but in the end find it doesn't fit you.
For example, a short time after reading up on it, I wondered if it fit me because of my anxieties about orientation. But now I don't think so. For various reasons, I know I'm not straight, and even though I'm not certain of much beyond that, I'm okay with it.
I'm sorry I can't help more with your worries about being accepted by your grandparents. I have the same dilemma with one pair of my grandparents, who still don't know. I personally think at some point you have to put self-acceptance over acceptance by others. That answer might frustrate you, since it's easier said than done especially when you're depressed with self esteem issues. I haven't exactly had to confront them about it either.
With medicine to combat your depression, I think it may be worth looking into more even if you've had issues with it. When I took this one medicine while depressed for several years it flattened my emotions, which was unpleasant, but the antidepressant I take for anxiety seems to help me.
As for your mum getting on your case about negativity, how aware is she of depression? Have you tried to point out that you are depressed and that she isn't helping? Have you tried to educate her? That might help. I wish the best for you. If you'd like to talk me, you can PM me, but I may not be able to reply until next week or the week after. Hope I helped.
28 May 2012, 10:47 am
