I go through weird mood swings that aren't exactly bipolar, since I go through more than two of them but when I experience strong emotions I experience them with passion and intensity beyond the measure of most other human beings I know, and a lot of times it shows. I don't publically freak out or anything (that would be embarassing: I make a point of saving face and behaving properly), but during moments of intense anguish I feel like everything's completely lost to the point where I become suicidal. Especially during summer vacation, because I have this strange, intense need for human interaction. Isolation drives me nuts. I was suspended from school a few times in middle school, and that led to this phase where I became a dangerous pyromaniac. I remember getting really weird and setting my homework on fire for no other reason than that "I was happy." Not only that, but my only friend was this creepy boy who himself was living in his own little world of madness, bloodshed, and things that simply don't exist. He talked about seeing weirdass giant creatures with fangs and millions of legs as if they were real. He actually kind of made me realize after a while that he wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be. In any case, I'm over that now, but I still remember that. And during that same time period, I spent all my time alone with a computer reading mythology textbooks, playing a violent, gory computer game, and trying to start my own religion by writing a nasty, violent text (inspired by what I'd read of popular religious texts) that advocated murder and made no sense whatsoever. I'm really, really glad I'm over that now, I have to say. It embarasses me to think about.
What's weird is that this hasn't caused me any problems at school. Well, not since eighth grade, but that's another story. But when I was younger I used to try to hold opinions and say things that were the opposite of what everyone else said, and that got me in trouble with the school staff when I tried to defend the British viewpoint on the American Revolution back in fourth grade.
Anyway, it all stopped when I fell in love with an expressive, playful young girl. I practically worshipped her for half a year before she cut off all contact with me, but thinking about her made me decide that I had found a path in life. Unfortunately, when I decided that I had found a path in life I tried too hard to make it her path in life, and I think that's why she left me... because I tried too hard to be what my image of her was in terms of personality. But that made me realize a need for inner peace in my life.
And I think the fact that one of my aspie obsessions was BDSM is very weird, although this isn't the mature forum so I'm not going to discuss that (or any of the rest of my sexual history) in detail. And I'm obviously kind of a sex maniac, but from what I've seen of the mature forum that doesn't seem too weird for most aspies. Anyway, better to be a horndog teenager than an evil small child like I used to be.
It's probably just because I'm an angsty teenager, tho'. Altho' I feel like bragging about being publically angstier than most teenagers. I outdo the emo kids in terms of angstiness.
19 Nov 2006, 8:18 pm
