I just feel really low...

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I feel a bit low right now. I don't need your time or effort to help me through. I'm just writing here because I don't like to burden anybody most of the time, and when I feel really low and just want to get it out...tell my story...be heard...nobody wants to know. I just want to write what I feel, and the thought that a stranger may read and know what I feel is enough. I will wake up tomorrow and go through the motions as always, and will hopefully keep well in mind that nobody cares...and if they did, they would wish they didn't, or prefer I wasn't in need of being heard.

I was sitting here and another few loose threads from my past connect and a terrible feeling of comprehension surfaces. I wish I could cry. I wish it would just pour out of me. I deserve my misery, as I have been told. I think I am mentally damaged. I don't think anybody is to blame in this world. We live and die...suffering and joy are inconsequential. And even being incredibly dull witted doesn't save me from at least understanding the irony in not fully comprehending the world and my experience in it, yet professing to understand the sum of my existance. The lines of thought lead me towards one final end...I am deaf, dumb, and blind...and I rake my hands across the ground groping for detail that will give me a basis to perceive the workings of my surroundings. What a pitiful sight I must make.

Anyway, that is as far as I can express my sadness before I can't stand myself. I hope that somebody that is well adjusted to life and generally happy reads this...not because I wish to drag you down somewhat closer to my level...but strangely enough, for some reason it comforts me to believe that you exist.

I don't believe that such a person exists. It is very easy to assume that other people know what they're doing whereas you haven't got a clue. But on some level, we're all just bluffing.

I'll tell you a true story that might cheer you up, or at least it might illustrate my point. Last year, I had a total emotional breakdown caused by feeling inadequate in my field of study. I dropped out of university and spent a lot of time trying to figure out why things keep going wrong in my life, which is what led to me being diagnosed with Asperger's. I went back to university this year and I am doing quite well.

I met a guy this year who is a colleague doing a similar research project to me. He is suffering from feelings of inadequacy just like I was last year. I know this because he confided in me recently. He thought that I could never understand, because he got the impression that I am some sort of confident genius who has it all figured out.

The point is, we all feel lost and alone sometimes. That doesn't mean that your feelings are trivial. But it does mean that it is very likely that your story has some good bits in the future, and maybe even a happy ending.

Your post indicates a relatively high level of self awareness. The more you can see of yourself, the more you will realize your shortcomings. The more you understand about this world, the more you can become aware of the surprisingly big gaps in our knowledge about what's going on here. In other words: dumb people don't realize they're dumb.
I recently read this nice article about that on Ars Technica. (link)

I don't have any wise words I'm afraid but I just wanted to say that I hope writing it down has helped in some way, I know it does with me sometimes. I hope you start to feel better soon.

I think "well adjusted" and "happy" is more or less what you make of it. If you are the happiest you can be considering all the internal and external factors, then that's as much as anyone can ask of you.

Even those who are in that position, still have bad days. They may be generally happy 95% of the time, but even they have their moments. When someone close to them is in pain, or they relive certain memories or maybe a particular song sets them off and they spiral for a few hours. It happens to everyone, including them.

I sense a lack of self-acceptance in your post. Self acceptance is one of the major keys to being happy and well adjusted. Accepting all the parts of yourself, the good and the bad, all the parts, even those you don't particularly like or are ashamed of, is an important part of self acceptance.

You can't work through things or process past events properly and lay them to rest if you can't accept yourself fully first. And it's an on-going process, not a one time and you're done type of deal.

I know you are new to this and are still learning about AS in general, so it is to be expected that it's going to bring up a lot of things from your past that perhaps could have been done differently. Hindsight is a brilliant thing, and it should be used to learn from so you can understand yourself better and create better results in future, not as something to beat yourself up with - which is what you seem to be using it to do here.

*big hugs*

Thanks all...I don't like feeling like a burden or a worry for anybody...and that's why I had a whinge in here...I'm ok...and I appreciate your responses...

Sweet Pea hugs

HaHA i love the sweet pea hug thing! And we all get this way sometimes i know i do.