not sure anymore

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im not sure why i bother anymore. doesnt take a genious to foretell the end of this story. This isnt an m night shyamalan movie, things arent going to change for no damn rreason.

Now add that for the next 2 months ill be back with my parents, itll be the first time i see them since they threw me out for being too broke to pay for school and rent. and if thats not awkward enough ill be back to being alone 24/7 since i atleast have 1 friend here. and if things didnt look gloomy enough already theres also zombies in miami. Why do i have to go there when the zombies come out.

All for what, some hope that for the first time in my life things would go my way? pfft. ive had that one before. you cn guess how it went. why am i even asking you questions? especially ones which I answered the sentence before. lol like if someones bothered reading this post let alone this far into this post. now i need to write more random crap so in case someone does open this that they actually had to read to see that. Anyhow. Back to depressed ranting. Is it even surprising ive spent since i was 10 suicidal? How every chance for something better ends much worse than i could have imagined. Ohh well, im getting closer every day to 25. For those who dont know thats the age i predicted id be dead by (meaning at or before) when i was 9. I also predicted that it would be my fault but never that it was on purpose, something like a car accident or some stupid thing like that. still, im not sure why i bother at all

Life sucks, right? Yep. Been there, done that. I couldn't even tell you why I hang around. Maybe I have some screenplays and novels and music left to write. I don't feel like checking out, though. Things could be worse. They'll get better for you, too.

Things dint get better. Thats just a fallacy to keep yourself going

21 is nothing. You can't even separate biological /homone depression from actual things that are wrong at that age. You think they're one and the same and you'll probably even argue with me saying that your life is really bad. Add 5 years and tell me what you feel. Even better, add 10 years. Things haven't even started for you yet. When did you become an adult? When did you start thinking for yourself? You're only even a few years into it really. You only just got control of your life.

30 is the aspie 18. 30 is the year that you suddenly have the confidence to do what nts have the confidence to do at 18. And you won't even notice it coming. One day you'll be whining and then one day you'll realise that things ARE a load better and they have been for a while. We don't even look that old! 30 isn't that bad, i don't look my age, i get girls of like 18-19 interested. It's just at your age now, you're chronologically 21 but how do you think girls really see you? They see you as a kid. Aspies are immature and it's obvious to nts even if they can't connect the reason they're not interested with a conscious thought, they just know you're too young for them. Just wait, seriously, you have it all coming.

The best i can say is maybe play around, take your time, enjoy your life while you wait to mature. stop stressing over something that will only come closer with time. Try and work at some of your issues and one day things will work out for you. Your life will change and change again and that's just normal for life, for adult life anyway, the life you have in just 5 years will probably be unrecognisable compared to the one you have now and then 5 years later it'll be different again. You honestly have all the time in the world.

Oh, how I love those meaningless knee-jerk responses: You're so young! Everything is still possible for you! Things will get better!

Well, there seems to be some confusion. I don't know what other people were talking about when they were mentioning age but i think that my intention was actually slightly different.

The other posters that mentioned age were probably saying something more along the lines of you not having given enough time trying to resolve your problems .



Me, i meant actually being physically older has it advantages.

I'd like to point out that to me it's obvious what you're really upset at. Things will never get better you're saying. You're so focused on what you're really talking about that you don't even think about the fact that in so many ways your life will get better with a few years. 21 is a bad age. Straight away things will be better in ten years time because you won't have hormones confusing issues to the degree that you do when you're 21. There, things are better. Add confidence, add understanding of things you didn't understand at 21, things are better.

I know what the real issue is as i said though and it's girls.

Well consider another advantage of being slightly older. I know it's not 100% of girls, i'd just like to point that out before someone makes a point about nothing, but most girls look at older guys and most guys look at younger girls. That's a simple fact. At your age, how many girls does that leave you? At your age, girls have all the choices and guys have nothing. As you get older that will shift. I know this isn't strictly true but it mostly is, as a girl gets older she gets less and less guys being interested in her. The exact opposite happens to guys. At 21, how many legal girls do you have the option of? 21 year olds, 20, 19, 18? When you're 30 you'll have what, 3 times more girls to choose from?

Do the math, things get better.

Ive never had problems with hormones. And pretending that women will magically like me because i grew old is a sad fallacy. Thos older men that women go for also had women when they were younger. It didnt happen overnight. But lets pretend its possible. What you're saying is i should learn to live miserable (and not just because of women) with the hopes it wont be so later. What happens when i am 30 and nothing has changed? Someone will tell me give it 10 more years and everything sorts out. What happens then at 40? Same thing, and keeps going and going until either im too damn tired of it all to care or dead.

And your math is flawed. It assumes i cant date girls older than me. Which is pretentious BS

You're not living miserable, you just don't appreciate what you have. Life is good and that's coming from someone that's not in much more of a better position than you. My lifes never been any better but i still smile and am happy because life is worth doing just for the sake of being alive. It's your attitude that messes you up more than anything, said in a constructive way.

its great you found a way to live with yourself. ut that way doesnt work with me

I'm not going to tell you it will get better or worse. However, you can nullify the problem by putting your mind onto something that will make you happy or laugh.

Without a doubt. But thats not something that can be done 24/7. and still, is a life which you spend 24/7 doing things in order to not feel miserable worth living?

I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I've been in and out of therapy most of my adult life. And I couldn't get laid in a whore house with a pocket full of $100.00 bills. That being said, I have surprisingly good days at times. I really didn't come into my own until I was in my 40's. I don't know why.

I know what you mean about suicide and depression being different. When I go into a real tailspin, I don't have the energy to do anything, including put the barrel of a gun to the roof of my mouth and blow my brains out. I might even say depression has saved my life. When I've thought about suicide in the past, it was more out of fear and self-loathing, not depression.

I can't tell you when exactly things turned around or even why. My circumstances hadn't changed, I had the same old job, the same friends and the same life. I didn't find Jesus or a pill or a therapy which made me different. It was something internal, something subtle and it happened without my knowledge. I still have bad days (like yesterday for example), but I still get up in the morning, sometimes more out of duty than for any other reason. I endure. And somehow, that has become its own reward.

Just don't do something you can't undo. People have said "Oh, you're young!" And you are. I felt the way you did when I was your age, and that was nearly 30 years ago. It is also popular now to tell young people "It gets better." I'm sure you hate hearing that, but you know, it's kind of true.

Take care of yourself.

like i said. at this point i dont see why bother continuing.