Wish I was never born with this cruel disease

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I'm a f****d up, insecure c**t who needs my f*****g pathetic life sorted out because all I do is get horribly jealous and want to do nasty things to people who have found love, all because I can't find love. Whoever does fancy me, I get talking to them then something happens where I can never see them again, or I don't fancy them back. I have a man fancying me but what's the point if I don't fancy him back? He is shorter and skinnier than me and I am short and skinny myself, but standing next to him makes me feel immense. And the other man that fancied me was a bus-driver (AND JUST BECAUSE HE'S A BUS-DRIVER DOESN'T MEAN IT'S FALSE, THAT IS AN OLD STEREOTYPE, HE IS REGULAR AND I KNEW HE LIKED ME PERSONALLY) but now he's suddenly vanished off the face of the earth, either they've put him on another shift or he's left, f**k knows, all the other bus-drivers are on it but him, always the way because it's just my f*****g luck. And nobody my age fancies me because I'm so f*****g thick on fashion, can't dress up to save my life, can't put make-up on (don't want to anyway) to save my life, can't be more confident to save my life, when I do try to be confident I just blow it (I've got proof of that). Boys in their 20s only like these confident Madonnas who dress up every day in these (in my opinion) most hideous clothes that is said to be the fashion these days. f**k life, I f*****g hate it, wish I was born NT like everyone else in my family so that I would have a better knack for dressing up, talking to people, and making an effort in myself, but NO I have to be born a f*****g Aspie c**t who knows f**k all about nothing, f*****g hate my f*****g life, my only f*****g life I will ever get and it is f****d up all because my f*****g brain couldn't just be wired like everyone else's was. No, I can't make a living out of my special interests, I don't have any special interests and the obsessions I do have just invite more stress into my life so I don't know what to do. I might aswell die and hope for the best to come back as somebody who I was meant to be in this life.

Ouch just hit my head about 10 times, the f****d up head what contains a f****d up brain what I didn't even ask for. Yes, I am deformed, I have one big eye on my cheek and one small eye on my forehead and no nose at all and really scary lips. Well......well, as far as I know, judging by the way people stare and point and laugh at me in public. f*****g unempathetic w*kers who need to go to Empathy School, they have ruined my self-image, wish I had a gun then I would shoot every f****r who even tries to giggle at me again. In fact I would like to shoot everybody who has ever bullied me and called me ''weird'' out of nastiness (calling me ''weird'' out of joke is different).

Ohh dear, sounds like you've got yourself all het up over something again. I worried when I first saw your post because I thought you were trying to say that you have been diagnosed with something like lung cancer or something awful like that, then felt relieved when you were just ranting about your state.

I know it is hard to accept and somebody in your state must be feeling devastated because you're watching everyone around you moving on and succeeding and you feel like you're slipping further and further down. It is hard but like you said, you only have one life, so live it! There's no good in worrying! Just think 'oh I've got all my health, I've got all my family, I know they may be getting on better socially but they're still there for me and they still love me'. I know it's hard to say that when you just think 'oh I may be healthy, I may have family around me but what's the point in it all if I haven't got the right knack for socialising and conforming to NT expectations?' but just think of all the people who like you, and just cherish them, keep your chin up and smile and enjoy your time with them and think yourself lucky you have friends because some Aspies here have literally got no friends at all. And try not to be so hard on yourself. I know its hard when you feel people are on to you but the more you lift your spirits a bit the more people will like you even more. Negative thoughts and emotions are OK in small doses and its good to share problems with friends, but too much of it can push friendships away, slowly but surely. A good friend wants you to be happy, just like you want your friends to be happy. Problems are OK to share, but happiness is also important too.

And people aren't laughing and staring at you. People aren't that stupid, and I say that as an average NT. When I go out in public I don't point out people who look nervous or shy or however you think you come across in public. I don't even notice them, and even if I did....they're not that funny. I laugh at comedians. I laugh at people who joke with me and make me laugh. I may laugh at people who are really making a fool of themselves what is signifficantly noticeable. Otherwise, even with my mates, I think I would feel pretty pathetic standing there laughing at another girl who I don't even know who is just minding her own business and not doing anything to stand out. I mean, do you laugh at people who look shy? We may of all did in school as kids, but most people grow out of that silly behaviour and have more things in life to think about than noticing if a random girl looks shy or not. I mean, who cares if you're shy or confident? Everybody's different, nobody's perfect, there's so many people here in this small island that it's hard to tell the difference between normal and abnormal these days, unless somebody is doing something interestingly unusual. Even then I don't always notice.

So tomorrow when you go out, just remember what I said, and be yourself. OK that sounds too easy to 'just be yourself', but you know what I mean. The fact isn't that you're weird and unusual to look at. The fact is you're a normal human being like everybody else. Now, to calm yourself down, get yourself a cup of tea or a glass of milk, settle down and watch a film. You have pointed out in some of your other posts that you feel relaxed when watching films in bed, so do that tonight, and forget about everything else!

I can't give you any advice but I can say I know how this feels, not all of it because I have never even thought about dating any guys I know (still unsure if this is age or sexual orientation) but I know what its like to be a female Aspie- a few years ago I blamed my condition for everything, I'm not going to say you have to accept it as part of you because it's not as easy as that, an I'm pretty sure you know that already. I think acceptance is something you have to find for yourself, I found realising there are others like me kind of helpful and learning to laugh at myself a little was useful too.
I don't have much self confidence either, I haven't dice I started high school and people began to spit at me and throw stuff at me. I am yet to find a way to deal with this- its the main reason for all my anxiety.
I have never had a special interest that's helped me in life, generally they hinder because I scare people away when I don't know when to stop or I bore them. I spent money on stuff I won't even like in a few months time.
I also have never seen the point of make-up, people look better without it anyway. It's just another thing to do in my life and it doesnt make me feel any better about myself. Clothes don't either. I wish we could go back to the days when clothes were worn for their purpose only, to do with work and warmth. I love old-fashioned things and would love to be able to run around in the clothes they wore back then.
It probably is a bit strange I'm trying to help here since I am only fifteen, sixteen on two months time, but I do know what this feels like and I have also been a diagnosed Aspie since I was a kid (5) I don't know if this helps but that's my thought and, well I'm here if you need any. One to listen.

Joe90,

Why do I get the feeling you're having a bad day?

I wish you wouldn't beat yourself up so much. Figuratively and literally.

I know what it's like to feel unappealing to the opposite sex. When I think about it, it really brings me down. I'm not very fashionable either. If my socks match and I'm not mixing black and brown, I figure that's enough.

You sound like a perfectly wonderful young woman to me. I think some day, someone you fancy will figure that out.

I don't think I'm ugly. Well, I'm trying to convince myself that I am pretty, because I've read that the more pretty you think you are, the more you will draw positive attention. I don't know how that works or if it's really true, but I'm still trying to go by that. I've figured that following simple tips, rather than taking large steps that could change my routine, works best for me.

I really don't know what sort of clothes to wear. I usually wear skinny jeans or just ordinary jeans, trainers, and a hoodie, and that's me. But I always worry that does wearing hoodies do me much justice? Should I go for more neater clothes? Do I look too chavvy, or too masculine? My friend told me today that girls in T-shirts with sharp pictures on look manly and draw negative attention, which frightened me because some of my T-shirts have ''sharp'' pictures on, but then my aunt (who is into fashion and knows a lot about it and has a good knack with this sort of thing) brought me a T-shirt for my birthday what had a skull and crossbone on it and she said it looked really nice on me and picked out some nice, light blue skinny jeans that she said would look really nice with it. So I don't know who's opinions to follow, and at the end of the day it is upto me what I wear.

But then I am in a dilemma because I feel comfortable in the clothes I wear but I worry that I look too masculine or too ''sharp''. Then I get upset because I seem to have the type of body what needs more maintainance done because if I don't make much effort I can look very stark, whereas some other females can get away with not having to do much with themselves but it suits them at the same time. Like if I tie my hair back, I look awful. I look much younger than my age, it doesn't suit me, and it makes my face look very stark. But there are also several other hairstyles that make me look too stark aswell, and the only types of hairstyles that suit me (in lot's of people's opinions, including mine actually) are hairstyles that I don't want or particularly like or are harder to maintain. So I don't know what's best.

f**k fashion, just wear what you feel comfortable in. You'll never pull off a look unless you're confident enough to make it work. Thats how Russel brand can go out wearing see through mesh shirts etc and still somehow look good, because hes confident in himself enough to keep his head held high while doing so. I used to try and follow trends when i was younger, but most of the time if you dont know how to work it you just come off as looking like you are trying too hard. As for feeling ugly, at least women can wear makeup, when a guy feels that way hes s**t out of luck.

BTW coming from a guy, I and most guys I know are not into girls who dress and act like everybody else like some kind of clone.

BTW coming from a guy, I and most guys I know are not into girls who dress and act like everybody else like some kind of clone.[/quote]

I'd have to go along with that.

I'm a jeans and t-shirt person myself. Like you said - no fashion sense whatsoever, but... Who cares, really. I feel comfortable in jeans and t-shirts, and if anyone else decides to judge me for that, they're a moron anyway.

Sorry it's a bad day... Now and then I get super discouraged too, but we just have to pick ourselves up and keep going. Hang in there!! *hugs*

Joe, I don't know if I've mentioned this to you before, but over here back in the 70's and 80's they had these things called "modeling schools". They may still have them for all I know. They weren't actual modeling schools per se, but they did teach a few of the modeling skills in addition to things like how to pick the right clothes for you, how to coordinate, how to walk gracefully, how to sit, how to have conversation, how to act in different social situations, etc. They were basically charm schools but called modeling schools because they taught you how to have pictures taken and how to walk on the runway. They also taught you how to wear makeup, different types of makeup for different situations from every day casual to dressy.

I went to one in 1980. It was Barbizon modeling school. I don't remember how much it was. It also wasn't full of really pretty and popular girls who already had their look right and who wanted to be, and could be, models. It was girls like me. Some of us were awkward, some clumsy, some were pretty bad looking, some were backwoods, some didn't have manners, etc. Basically all of us needed something and we all got it there. It wasn't the same kind of charm school that you imagine debutants going to. They taught things that you could use every day. They also tailored the classes to fit the needs of the girls who were there, without the girls having to ask. The teachers could tell what you were lacking and they taught it. They were also very nice about it and not stuck up or pushy or judgemental.

I was 16 and had already learned a good bit about how to socialize and all from my friends, and was on my way to learning more on my own as I got older, but Barbizon taught me so many things that I really needed to know and that I remember to this day. Little things and big things. They didn't turn out a graduating class of girls who were dainty and perfect in every way and so superficial that it's not funny. The graduating class was still normal girls, but we had polish. We had a little bit of style. We had a lot more self esteem. We had some knowledge of how to take what we were born with and make it better.

It's not all about makeup and hair and fashion. Some of the classes were. Most were about other things.

From reading your posts it sounds like you would really benefit from something like that. I don't know if they have them there, or how much they cost now, but if you can find one and figure out a way to pay for it, I do encourage you to go. The self esteem you get out of it, and the changes you can make with it are worth so much. It really helped me to turn a corner in my life.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

My take as an aspie guy is clothes DON'T 'make the man'. It's just a costume really. Really though, the more I've been complimented the less hard I've been on myself about looks. I'm sure you've gotten compliments, run with them. There's nothing wrong at all with looking young for your age, and if you stick around in life by the time you reach 40 that will be a huge asset in your favor and you'll hold the cards then.
As far as clothes go; I often see people dress older than they are and it makes them become old, or I'll see some and it looks like kindergarteners wearing grownups' clothes, then you have the 50 year-olds trying to keep up with fashion trends for the 20-year-olds.
It's probably safer to wear what someone in their early teens would wear; there's a bit more gender overlap and it's easier to do small modifications that allow for comfort and attractiveness, and at the same time as an older person there's less vulnerability to pedos

Well thanks for the replies anyway. I know I don't wear things that are out of the norm. I wear things that just make me blend in, but I just think I could do much better. Skinny jeans are trendy, and sometimes I wear boots with them, sometimes trainers (depending on the weather) but I do suffer with having blisters, so I've only got to stick to soft boots, trainers and slip-on sandals. I can't wear all these little dolly shoes and plimsoles what these girls all wear nowadays, plus they look so uncomfortable and makes them walk funny anyway, I find.
But when I went to the pub last Friday I felt scruffy because I didn't dress up much. I wore cargo trousers, trainers, a hoodie and my coat over (I have to wear a coat because the UK doesn't get hot summers any more ) and I felt I didn't dress up, then I panicked because I felt like I was the only girl in the world who wouldn't dress up to go out on a Friday night. But if I did dress up I haven't got any dressy shoes, I cannot wear high heels and all other dressy types of shoes rub my feet and cause agonizing blisters that look even more ugly (even though I wear socks and plasters). But it's too cold for sandals, but too warm for boots, and trainers don't go with dressy clothes, and all other types of shoes cause blisters, so, I don't know.

I couldn't care too much for fashion, yet I worry about it at the same time.

I have lots of different kinds of shoes, but I rarely wear anything but tennis shoes or clogs now. Clogs can go with lots of things, and look a bit dressier than tennis shoes. They are also very, very comfortable. You just slip them on. As a matter of fact, the ones I'm wearing now, I wear as slippers too. I don't think you could get blisters from clogs, because they have no backs.

Have you tried clogs, or are they at all popular over there?

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

My humble opinion:

Joe, you're trying too hard to be like your NT cousins. You wear fashions that are uncomfortable because you want to be like "everyone else", you go to clubs and pubs and try to fit in and when it doesn't work you come on WP and scream that you want to be NT.

Here's a little secret: you will NEVER be NT! You have Aspergers, and you need to stop wishing for something that will never exist. You need to accept yourself as you are, not as other people want you to be. You keep trying to pound that square peg into the round hole, and keep getting frustrated because square pegs don't fit into round holes. You will NEVER be a social butterfly, and you need to quit trying to make yourself be one. You need to accept yourself as you are. [/soapbox]