How do you carry on?
30 Jun 2013, 5:01 pm
Think this is my first thread here and its gonna be heavy but here goes.
I am 22 years old, was diagnosed with aspergers last november.
im from northern ireland and at the time of diagnosis i was in uni in liverpool, really struggling so i was seeing a uni councilor and after talking for a while i heard about the liverpool aspergers team so put myself forward and a few weeks later was told I have it.
anyway so now im back in northern ireland, moved out of home last wednesday into a little flat of my own and honestly im just spending my time thinking about how to commit suicide.
I have failed every single thing ive ever tried in life, and those things that can be due to aspergers and anxiety its too late for my diagnosis to help with any of those issues.
ive failed
GCSE's ( had no friends, spent last two years having break and dinner in library studying, went to every single study group ran= got pathetic results)
RAF (always wanted to be in RAF initially as fighter pilot but as i grew up and learned where my skills lie i applied as IT technician, i hadnt been diagnosed with aspergers at the time, and a doctor had put me on a three week trial of depression/anxiety medication when i was a kid, when the RAF got my medical records that was enough to have me marked as permanently medically unfit meaning im not even allowed to try for any jobs in any branch of military, police, prison or security)
Army(above)
Driving( driving instructor said i had natural talent for driving, was so shocked when i failed my test he made me a deal that if i book in for the test straightaway and dont pass hed cover the booking fees and waive the fee to use his car, so i kept trying didnt take his money because its not his fault im s**t, but kept reaplying until i literally could not afford it any more)
Uni ( for a fresh start went across to england, a new city tried my best to invent a new me, it was harder than i imagined, i got diagnosed with aspergers and could not handle another three years of uni)
and I always had dreams of doing something meaningful with my life yet here I am sitting in a flat, depressed as ever, still unable to even go outside without becoming violently ill with nerves,no prospects, havent had a single friend in over a decade, no qualifications, no experience, no future. oh and the latest but not biggest thing to happen is that after getting back here from uni I ran into a girl that i think i love( never believed in love but when i see her face i experience something ive never felt before) she went to the gym at the same time as me a few years ago for about 10 months, and not once did i work up the courage to ever talk to her, the other day I ran into her as she has started a local business and I had a talk with her. Which as you can imagine was incredibly awkward but i had to have closure and know if i ever had a shot with her and i missed it or if it was always a pipe dream, it turns out she was single back then but now is in a serious relationship and even has a kid.( the only time i had ever cried in my life was when my dog of 19 years died, but when i found out i missed my chance with her i couldnt help but cry- once id got back to my flat, i contained it in public as best i could)
Im a hard worker and always dedicate, the things i listed above there is literally no way i could have put in any more effort than i did and it wasnt good enough, despite that ive carried on trying to improve myself, with psychologists, various aspergers groups aswell as personal things like exercising and dieting yet Im now at a point where Im so depressed i cant even eat or sleep and just spend every waking moment contemplating how to do it.
my mum found out i feel like this today, I couldnt pretend any more. I tried to have a serious discussion but obviously she has no answers, no matter what way i consider things logically or emotionally there is nothing left to live for. im stuck in a place i hate, every medication ive been put on has failed miserably, too old for any steps to be taken to help with development and education, never had a friend and the people my age from school atleast %80 of them have escaped to better places in the world, never had a girlfriend and only yesterday made a complete fool of myself finally talking to the one girl ive ever loved only to find out i missed my chance, as i said im now 22 and i can honestly say theres not a single memory of happiness or success in my entire life nothing at all to look back on and say "that was good" or "atleast i achieved that" the one thing im not complete s**t at is computers but two major problems with that 1, just because i can work/build and repair them doesnt mean i want to spend my life sitting behind one, and 2 with the current climate and where i live the chances of an unqualified, unenxperienced person living on "severe disability" support getting a job like that is non existent
I have also been cutting myself worse than ever, I have cut myself before as punishment for being so s**t but with all my failures looming over me the last few days ive been cutting myself quite severly, plus with absolutely no way out and my only two options are spend the next 50 odd years in utter abject misery or end things on my terms but effectively devastate my mum and sisters lives, I know my mum would blame herself
sorry for the long rambling post, but due to mood and lack of sleep its really hard to organize my thoughts into a coherent conversation at the minute
30 Jun 2013, 5:08 pm
1- you re not a looser, 2- do not kill yourself, 3- good things come to those who wait- you're only 22, 4- try to get some sleep and ask for help 5- wihs you all the best 6- im not the best person to consolt you 7- life is a b***h, suck it up 8- breathe deeply and try to manage one thing at a time, we re all good at sth, but sometimes we need time to find that one thing
Thelibrarian
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30 Jun 2013, 5:18 pm
I wish I knew, all I do know is that I didnt ask much from this life but everything I did want is now for ever out of my reach.
I kept on trying new things, like after the RAF decision which i fought for months was finalized, i tried the army, then the navy( even asked my high ranking uncle if there was anything he could do. there wasnt). then I needed something to do and since my family know im good with computers and expected me to do something I went to uni to do an it course simply to say i was still trying to achieve things, but now I dont see any conceivable way for things to pick up
Thelibrarian
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30 Jun 2013, 5:37 pm
I wish I knew, all I do know is that I didnt ask much from this life but everything I did want is now for ever out of my reach.
I kept on trying new things, like after the RAF decision which i fought for months was finalized, i tried the army, then the navy( even asked my high ranking uncle if there was anything he could do. there wasnt). then I needed something to do and since my family know im good with computers and expected me to do something I went to uni to do an it course simply to say i was still trying to achieve things, but now I dont see any conceivable way for things to pick up
Let me ask what I think is a fair question: How are things supposed to get better for you if you're not sure what it would take to make you happy?
BTW, having computer skills puts you way ahead of a lot of people. You may not be able to make a living where you're at, but I'm sure you could make one in London, Edinburgh, or another large British city.
One thing I've found that makes me happy is living far from crowds, noise, and commotion. And from what you said about not wanting to go outside, I wonder if this isn't true for you. Or is your problem otherwise, such as agoraphobia?
30 Jun 2013, 5:42 pm
The first thing to do to help yourself out of this horrible experience is to write it down on paper.
I know from experience that if you don't, it just churns over in your mind endlessly. I'm sure you've heard the saying "Rome wasn't built in a day." The same can be said about things you have identified as requiring attention in your life, don't dwell on things as a huge bundle but as individual projects you could take time to get better at.
I was your age once and suffered mostly what you are going through but I never had the diagnosis of AS so I had no idea why I felt the way I did. Eventually things will get better and you can build on your self-confidence as you possibly come to realise as I did that worrying over the unknown or things in the past is a waste of precious time when you could be doing something you really enjoy doing.
Just make tomorrow's goal writing a list of things you want to change. Things that you can change.
_________________
"Been there, done that, got the t-shirt"
- CosmicRuss
30 Jun 2013, 5:45 pm
I dont know anymore, since my lifelong goal of the RAF fell through ive been doing what others expect of me namely going to uni to do a computer course i had no real interest in.
I think ive reached a point where im so depressed nothing seems to make me happy, as i said in my first post I can no longer sleep or eat, dont play video games, watch tv or even play guitar anymore and ive been exercising 5 days a week for 5 years out of nothing more than self loathing im not happy with my appearance and for the first time since beginning (excluding the rare sick day) ive actually stopped that too because whatever hope i had that in time id catch a break and my work would pay off is gone
i couldnt move away though, as i am on disability which just about covers my rent, food and transport to my various doctor and asperger group meetings its not like i can save up.
id say its more borderline agoraphobia, the aspergers anxiety causes me to be sick before leaving the house and that combined with absolutely no self confidence due to 22 years bad experiences i stay at that same level of discomfort every second im outside, id like that not to be the case but it has been for so long i cant see it changing
Thelibrarian
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30 Jun 2013, 5:50 pm
I think ive reached a point where im so depressed nothing seems to make me happy, as i said in my first post I can no longer sleep or eat, dont play video games, watch tv or even play guitar anymore and ive been exercising 5 days a week for 5 years out of nothing more than self loathing im not happy with my appearance and for the first time since beginning (excluding the rare sick day) ive actually stopped that too because whatever hope i had that in time id catch a break and my work would pay off is gone
i couldnt move away though, as i am on disability which just about covers my rent, food and transport to my various doctor and asperger group meetings its not like i can save up.
id say its more borderline agoraphobia, the aspergers anxiety causes me to be sick before leaving the house and that combined with absolutely no self confidence due to 22 years bad experiences i stay at that same level of discomfort every second im outside, id like that not to be the case but it has been for so long i cant see it changing
It sounds as if the first thing you need to do is get some meds from the doctor. Once you're in a position to think about things, I would strongly suggest you figure out what will make you happy. And I would also think of a plan "B" in case your first option falls through for some reason.
As another poster suggested, you need to write down the things you want to change. I agree.
Will you call somebody where you're at if you feel a strong urge to do something that can't be undone?
30 Jun 2013, 5:56 pm
already on medication, I dont think medication is the answer ive been on 5 different ones this being the 6th and so far none of them have helped with any symptoms.
how do you figure out what makes you happy? dont know why it was the RAF but as long as i can remember that was always my goal, without that to strive for and with no prior experience being happy where do i start? any ideas
im not gonna do anything serious, if i had the balls to do so i would be long gone from this f*****g planet, but thanks for showing compassion
thanks everyone for the replies, got a banging headache gonna try and get some sleep
Thelibrarian
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Joined: 5 Aug 2012
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30 Jun 2013, 6:03 pm
how do you figure out what makes you happy? dont know why it was the RAF but as long as i can remember that was always my goal, without that to strive for and with no prior experience being happy where do i start? any ideas
im not gonna do anything serious, if i had the balls to do so i would be long gone from this f***ing planet, but thanks for showing compassion
Since we're all unique and different, what it would take to make you happy is something that you would have to figure out. But you need to stabilize yourself to do that.
What makes me happy is that I love my special interest, which is reading heavy books, and I turned that into a career as a librarian. What makes me even happier is living way out in the wide open spaces where my nearest neighbor is a mile away. Crowds, noise, and commotion always depressed me. Leaving all of that made me happy. Finally, what made me most happy of all was learning to accept myself for who and what I am--limitations and strengths.
30 Jun 2013, 8:59 pm
I am 22 years old, was diagnosed with aspergers last november.
im from northern ireland and at the time of diagnosis i was in uni in liverpool, really struggling so i was seeing a uni councilor and after talking for a while i heard about the liverpool aspergers team so put myself forward and a few weeks later was told I have it.
anyway so now im back in northern ireland, moved out of home last wednesday into a little flat of my own and honestly im just spending my time thinking about how to commit suicide.
I have failed every single thing ive ever tried in life, and those things that can be due to aspergers and anxiety its too late for my diagnosis to help with any of those issues.
ive failed
GCSE's ( had no friends, spent last two years having break and dinner in library studying, went to every single study group ran= got pathetic results)
RAF (always wanted to be in RAF initially as fighter pilot but as i grew up and learned where my skills lie i applied as IT technician, i hadnt been diagnosed with aspergers at the time, and a doctor had put me on a three week trial of depression/anxiety medication when i was a kid, when the RAF got my medical records that was enough to have me marked as permanently medically unfit meaning im not even allowed to try for any jobs in any branch of military, police, prison or security)
Army(above)
Driving( driving instructor said i had natural talent for driving, was so shocked when i failed my test he made me a deal that if i book in for the test straightaway and dont pass hed cover the booking fees and waive the fee to use his car, so i kept trying didnt take his money because its not his fault im sh**, but kept reaplying until i literally could not afford it any more)
Uni ( for a fresh start went across to england, a new city tried my best to invent a new me, it was harder than i imagined, i got diagnosed with aspergers and could not handle another three years of uni)
and I always had dreams of doing something meaningful with my life yet here I am sitting in a flat, depressed as ever, still unable to even go outside without becoming violently ill with nerves,no prospects, havent had a single friend in over a decade, no qualifications, no experience, no future. oh and the latest but not biggest thing to happen is that after getting back here from uni I ran into a girl that i think i love( never believed in love but when i see her face i experience something ive never felt before) she went to the gym at the same time as me a few years ago for about 10 months, and not once did i work up the courage to ever talk to her, the other day I ran into her as she has started a local business and I had a talk with her. Which as you can imagine was incredibly awkward but i had to have closure and know if i ever had a shot with her and i missed it or if it was always a pipe dream, it turns out she was single back then but now is in a serious relationship and even has a kid.( the only time i had ever cried in my life was when my dog of 19 years died, but when i found out i missed my chance with her i couldnt help but cry- once id got back to my flat, i contained it in public as best i could)
Im a hard worker and always dedicate, the things i listed above there is literally no way i could have put in any more effort than i did and it wasnt good enough, despite that ive carried on trying to improve myself, with psychologists, various aspergers groups aswell as personal things like exercising and dieting yet Im now at a point where Im so depressed i cant even eat or sleep and just spend every waking moment contemplating how to do it.
my mum found out i feel like this today, I couldnt pretend any more. I tried to have a serious discussion but obviously she has no answers, no matter what way i consider things logically or emotionally there is nothing left to live for. im stuck in a place i hate, every medication ive been put on has failed miserably, too old for any steps to be taken to help with development and education, never had a friend and the people my age from school atleast %80 of them have escaped to better places in the world, never had a girlfriend and only yesterday made a complete fool of myself finally talking to the one girl ive ever loved only to find out i missed my chance, as i said im now 22 and i can honestly say theres not a single memory of happiness or success in my entire life nothing at all to look back on and say "that was good" or "atleast i achieved that" the one thing im not complete sh** at is computers but two major problems with that 1, just because i can work/build and repair them doesnt mean i want to spend my life sitting behind one, and 2 with the current climate and where i live the chances of an unqualified, unenxperienced person living on "severe disability" support getting a job like that is non existent
I have also been cutting myself worse than ever, I have cut myself before as punishment for being so sh** but with all my failures looming over me the last few days ive been cutting myself quite severly, plus with absolutely no way out and my only two options are spend the next 50 odd years in utter abject misery or end things on my terms but effectively devastate my mum and sisters lives, I know my mum would blame herself
sorry for the long rambling post, but due to mood and lack of sleep its really hard to organize my thoughts into a coherent conversation at the minute
You sound so much like me at that age.
The lucky part for you is you now have a diagnosis, and will be able to develop the tools to adapt, and have a better understanding of your condition, capabilities, and difficulties.
I'm 41 and only relatively recently self diagnosed, and awaiting formal diagnosis at an appointment later this month.
Can you imagine how much easier it will be for you, knowing in your 20's what the source of your difficulty could be rather than be like me and live until your 40's always feeling life was hard, that others didn't understand but wondering why?
I lost a marriage, have a teenage child that hardly has any contact with me, and have a toxic relationship with my birth family, and why? Because they conveniently like to think I have a mental problem (previous diagnosis of anxiety and depression, which I now realize are exacerbated by Asperger's).
You need to be grateful, and look upon the diagnosis as a stepping stone to new opportunities in life.
We all have struggles, difficulties, and burdens to carry, but it's so much harder when you can't understand, describe, or seek help because you don't know what it is, don't have a name for it, and don't know where to look.
Whatever it takes to find your niche, your best options is what's best for you.
For some it's meds, for some they don't work, for some (probably most) we need exercise, and to watch our diet.
Don't give up thinking you have a new obstacle, what you have is a definition of what your obstacle is and why you struggle, which is so much easier to cope with than not knowing why you feel different and have difficulties.
So do yourself a favour; now you have a diagnosis, apply the obsessive interest Aspie part of yourself to read up on Asperger's and Autism, read all you can from Temple Grandin, John Elder Robison, get a copy of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Atwood.
An Asperger's diagnosis is a cause for hope and celebration; you now have an explanation as to why it's so hard to get by in the NT world, and you know you are not alone.
Do what you have to do to cope, even if it seems a bit silly and childlike, just don't give up on yourself or on others, as you can be sure the help you're looking for is right around the corner, and will come along just when you give up looking.
Everyone whether and Aspie or not fails at things from time to time, that's not a failure, it's a learning experience, and it doesn't make you a loser, just someone who's tried something they found didn't work for them.
Better to find that out now, than to commit to something you hate and feel regretful.
Just consider now to be the breathing space time, where you can find your feet, explore your wants and needs, and find the path that's right for you; which will not be the same as for everyone else, only you can find what works for you, and that doesn't make others wrong for trying to point you in the right direction, just misguided if you don't feel they're right.
