Forgiving yourself

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I've never had much problem forgiving other people, but I can never seem to forgive myself. How does one come to terms with their past so they can let it go?

It's really hard. You have to force yourself to see yourself as entitled to be forgiven. I don't know about others but I have not always felt that entitlement.

I've found that reading these 3 things over and over helps me be in the right frame of mind to cut myself some slack. Maybe one will work for you or you can find something else that you find encouraging. The last one is a little religious but I like it even though I'm not formally religious, just believe there is a higher power of some form that we don't know what it really is. In any case, these 3 things remind me that others have failed too, it's ok to be me, it's ok to expect peace and happiness no matter who I am. Hope they help you some.

I never failed.
I just discovered 1,000 ways in which the light bulb would not work.
Every attempt brought me closer to the knowledge of how it would.

Thomas Edison

A Different Drummer by Henry David Thoreau

If a man does not keep pace with his companions,
Perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.
Let him step to the music which he hears,
However measured or far away.

I think this is called St Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be....
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received,
and pass on the love that has been given to you....
May you be content knowing you are a child of God....
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of you....

I think sometimes people have trouble forgiving themselves when they've committed no wrong. Even if they insist they have.

1) If the ends does not justify the means. (you can do absolutely any vicious thing as long as the goal is achieved)
Then the ends cannot imprecate the means. If it went wrong it doesn't mean the 'try' was evil, bad, erroneous, wrong or wasted.

2) Knowledge that comes afterwards cannot be used to judge a decision or action. That's not fair to anybody, even yourself.
That means -regardless of accusers- many decisions/actions done were right -all situational things considered! Even mine, even yours.
No 'sin' means forgiveness is not possible.

So now we've whittled down some of the life events. And especially for an aspie, probably most of them.

3) I am starting to regret not having had 'a disreputable youth'. I sometimes feel Good = Tediously Boring Dork*

4) The last guy that was perfect got nailed to a tree. I'm kinda very OK with not being nailed to a tree so far.

5) I have as much right to be wrong as anybody else on the planet, and I will stand up for my rights as much as yours.

Lastish) Besides me, who cares? Kind of unfortunately, nobody really cares.

So show me four people that can walk on water and I'll show you four people that will sink at the spring thaw.

8) Hypnosis


*me
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PS. Ya gotta intend, plan, try hard, practice often, and pretty much repeatedly succeed at unprovoked awfulness before you can fairly question the 'forgivability' of some behavior.
Just bean a social clutz doesn't count.
I hope...

Okay... but how do you forgive yourself when you have done something wrong? I mean, when you know it's wrong but you do it anyway.

... and what if you know you'll do it again?

Cognitive Dissonance?

*I* ask my unconscious network to one of the following:
1) change my response/behavior/attitude to an outcome I'd rather have;
2) find a way to cope with it so I feel the way I want to about it;
3) resolve the issue (to end it);
or
ask it why I'm doing it, I'm usually very surprised (pleasantly).

Your unconscious wants what is truly best for you, there's always a reason why you do everything. Self-forgiveness is not real even in a figurative sense, Self-forgiveness is nonexistent even as an abstract. You must offend yourself to need forgiveness, you cannot offend yourself.
But you can do things you don't consciously understand, that doesn't have the outcome you wish for.

When your unconscious understands that, and realizes that it needs to search all of your experiences for an answer that is truly best for you and to use that answer whenever appropriate, you will be dumbfounded at the amazingly perfect way you 'instinctively' handle the situation... and will forever more.

If you even notice it, it becomes so immediately automatic it's easy to miss that the situation came... and passed.

For me the request takes about 1-3 minutes, then I forget about it and about 24 to 30ish hours later it's working.
I do this with about half a dozen things each day for the past 5 years with about 19 in 20 times permanently fixed (upgraded) first time, forever.

I've never been happier in my life, and my life 'technically' sux hard right now.

that's how *I* 'forgive' myself, I fix it, I improve. or my brain does actually.

Saying self-forgiveness doesn't exist makes no sense to me. I compromised my own morals (something I've never done before...) and I know exactly why I did it. I know what I was after, and I know I won't be able to stop myself from doing it again should the chance arise.

All this talk about the unconscious knowing what's best for us... also makes no sense to me.

Hey dawn

This is something I've struggled with as well.

I think the problem we have is that we are both too humble (at least in one sense).

People who are cavalier have no problem shaking that off of them. They feel that what they did was what they did and they're not going to apologize for it, no matter what. But at the same time, I think people who are conscientuous like ourselves kind of fear developing a thick skin like that because we may fear that we would lose our humility.

Finding that balance is really hard.

But sometimes, maybe a cavalier attitude is what you need.

Heh. I had a very corrupt youth, and yet I'm one of the most boring people you'd ever meet now. Having a bad youth does not make you more extroverted and there's nothing very interesting about it. It's a false stereotype.

I apologize TeaEarlGreyHot*, it’s the first time I’ve really tried to write (briefly, lol) the concepts that took some unique circumstances and a while to work out. I knew it wasn’t complete and reverted to hoping it might give a hope of a hope ...maybe.
I also hope to have a ‘useable’ explanation soon.

If we take an ‘evolutionary’ point of view for the sake of an explanation, the unconscious (for lack of a better term) is the part of the mind that the non-human animals mostly rely on. That part has hundreds of millions of years of ‘evolutionary experience’ at adapting, survival, and even prospering. Humans have been in our current format for, at best, about 150,000 years. That suggests (to me anyway) that the newly mutated, ‘conscious’, future-planning part of our mind is the equivalent of a spanking new, confused baby (evolutionarily speaking). The difference in experience is staggering.

The conscious and ‘unconscious’ communicate very, very differently. Especially to each other. And so we as humans are pretty confused most of the time. We have what’s proven to work, trying to adapt to what gives us a tremendous advantage. But we cannot afford to lose either.

Both parts of our mind can easily carry their own load, but can get a bit boggled when trying to figure out which end of the metaphorical couch (or even which couch) they should carry, to move the whole thing together. So again, like in so many of human’s issues, communication is the problem. And the solution.
Does that make any sense? I hope so, it's the best I've got. =(

My 'solution' is conceptually based on what has worked for hundreds of thousands of people through out history and theoretically should work for any human with any type of conceptual communication. Even Hellen Keller. But realistically best for like-language verbal communication, IQ >50ish, and >age (>life experiences) even better.

I can provide the exact format that I use, which works even if it’s not understood. Explaining the concepts so one can initiate their own communications would probably take about 4-6 pages. Which is a challenge for an intense aspie with description problems, and I’m certain, would be a difficult ‘slog through’ to read.
rofl, probably only an aspie focus could do it. =)

Doesn’t matter, I must do it anyway. It’s too powerful/useful and my heart breaks too painfully to not share.

About self-forgiveness… I’m of the feeling that very few humans ever quite fully understand even a small fraction of what they do in their lifetime. Or maybe I’m projecting. =)

*Love your name btw. Esp w/3 sugar + 1 honey, very hot. =)


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Heh, yourself =) that was ‘attempted humor’. If Attempted murder counts, then attempted humor should too. (though they both probably have the same penalty =) I’m still a lil bit jealous. =P
I stole that phrase from a British show that has Huge Laurie in it: Jeeves and Wooster [1990-93].
For me it’s part regret, part balancing, and part current self-forgiving… *wink* TeaEarlGreyHot.

So, edgewaters, one of my big concern stories was worrying about how much damage the rain was doing by washing some grass seeds off my spanking new dirt lawn.

I’ll bet one of your big stories is far more entertaining -in hindsight of course. =)


<edited for typos>

Wow minervx outstandingly said! Most of my life was exactly that!
*applaud*

Perhaps I'm halfway there, accepting the fact that I'd do it again.

Well, I am aware of the fact that I often have to analyze my own actions afterwards to understand why I did them. Is that what you're speaking of? Self-reflection is something I'm constantly doing. I make posts here asking for help only after I've reflected for quite some time and haven't found a solution of my own.

Part of my issue right now is self-control. I just can't seem to say "no" to this. I've been faced with so many new things this past year that I never really thought I'd encounter. I suppose, I'm still drowning in this sea of change and I keep grasping onto things that only provide temporary relief. Things that eventually drag me down deeper. I understand this will happen every time, but just can't stop myself from doing it. Foresight is only good when you listen.

Just as anyone my age, I'm still learning who I am and what I'm capable of. I'm not liking what I'm seeing in a few areas, and forgiving myself is the first step to changing it. Perhaps I'm having trouble with this (something I haven't had much trouble with as self-improvement has always been something I valued and strove for) because there's already been so much change lately. I feel like I just need to stop and be for a while, but life keeps pushing me forward. Sometimes with a gentle nudge, and sometimes a forceful shove.

Despite this, I find myself stuck in the past. I have a tight grip on one thing in particular. One thing I know in my heart will not come back the way I want it to. I can't let it go, though I've tried. Letting it go is the best thing for me, I know this as it's got me hanging in limbo.

This all sounds like a horrible contradiction, and the truth is... it is. Trying to come to grips with this, understanding how to get past it so I can continue my life the way I feel I should has proven elusive. There are so many things I want and need to do, not just for myself but my children, and in order to I have to let go.

This all brings me back to forgiving myself for giving in and tightening my grip on the past.

Sweet Pea hugs

Thank you, CR.

this may result in an endless loop.
What about imagining yourself not doing it again, and substituting something else. See what it feels like to do something else, in your mind, I mean.
As for forgiving yourself, the only technique that has worked at all for me on some really Awful things, is, pretend you are listening to some other person telling you they did these things. ( the ones you are having trouble with) Wouldn't you forgive them?
I struggle with this from time to time and have to "re-forgive" all over again. I probably will succeed at some point the bad stuff will be like a tiny old bit of dry ice that puffs out one last carbon dioxide 'puff', and disappears.

The only thing that I can do is to try not to do it again. Or decide that the reasons were not my own for regretting it to began with, such as faith, family expectations or social expectations. I that's the case I will reevaluate why I think it was wrong and may decide that I don't care about other expectation any how.
I know this may not be helpful but I just might.