Loneliness (whining)

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Feel terrible when I'm by myself too long.
Haven't talked to a single person my own age in months.

Then I think
even if I was to make an honest effort, I would want to home again.
Because all the youth want is to play games and drink and giggle about sex.

I look at myself all the time in the mirror, even though it makes me feel vain.
I love to look at myself. I love to pick out how "unique" I am. How "different" my thoughts are.
Then I get so disgusted when I read the things I write. When I see all the stupid hypocritical parts of myself.
I love to criticize laziness, ignorance, lasciviousness.
But I have all these things. And I never try to really stop them

I am such a phoney. And I am so alone. And it's my own fault.
A product of my selfishness. Because no one is as "special" as me.

There...there...

Eh.. I don't know of a single person that doesn't have some form of hypocrisy in their behavior.

At least you know yourself.

Double post.

I remember having these thoughts when i was a little kid, probably in elementary school. I remember lying awake in bed in the morning and imagining my classmates and realizing that I am one of them yet I am so different because none of them would stop and think about the exact thing I was thinking at the moment. They were all driven by motor so to speak and i was the only one to stop and think all these thoughts.

I also remember having a similar thought when i was in cross country team in high school. I was the top runner in that team. So I remember when I came back from one of the practices and I was waiting for everyone else to come back, I was thinking that there is nothing amaizing that i was faster than everyone else -- after all I am not like anyone else to begin with. Unfortunately I was soon proven wrong when we were competing with other schools. I realized that overall i was number 29 out of 105, which is still above average, clearly, but nothing as impressive as top runner. It is simiply my own team was very weak (second team from the end) thats why i was indeed top runner on my own team (the next guy on my team was number 62 out of 105).

Anyway, as you see in both of the above cases the content of my thoughts was positive one. Even though I was teased massively in grades 3-8, and was still occasionally teased in 9-th and 10-th grades as well, I only viewed it as ''inconvenience'' that I never really cared about other than the fact that it was interfering with whatever I was doing. The first time I was actually hurt was at 21, namely when I tried to attend Hillel (jewish club) and everyone avoided me. So that was when I realized that, quite independently from the fact that I was ''capable of doing what others are not'' it was also true that i ''was incapable of what others do, no matter how hard i try''. The first part i realized all my life, but the second part I only learned at 21 and it was REALLY painful, it took several years to get over it adn I am still not completely healed.