Breaking these cycles of blistering self hate & harm

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I dunno, maybe this is a post-partum depression sort of episode, since I just finished a new film I've been working on the last four months.

But I just really hate myself at this moment in time. I see the film I made, and I see flaws and things I botched, and I really despise myself for corrupting what was a beautiful film in my head, because I'm just such a goddamn talentless hack. I thing what I created is crap, and I'm a bit ashamed to show it, even though everyone tells me it's great. I don't believe them. I fear everyone is lying to me because they can't bear to tell me the truth because I'm that sad and pathetic.

I keep trying to remind myself of all the good in my life. I've got good health, a place to live, a job that pays and allows me to practice what I'm good at. I've made some films, and I continue to advance my craft.

I tell myself I'm fortunate, I should be grateful. I should be happy. Yet that only fills me with more despair. I believe that because I have been fortunate, I am obliged to do more, to really give back.

And so far, I feel I've failed in this. I've failed to excel and do what I'm capable of doing. I wonder if I'm in a dead end job. I wonder if I'm a coward for not moving to a bigger city. I fear I'm not good enough. I see so many people my age doing such incredible things, and I've made all these works, these films that just fill me with shame because of their mediocrity in my own eyes. I know I've got a work of beauty in me, but I fear I'm wholly incapable of translating what lives in my mind to a reality.

And in the meantime I'm going to the Olympic Trials to spectate and hopefully gather some interviews and footage for my next documentary. And I wonder, what if I fail? What if what I gather there is utter crap. And I'm tortured by seeing all those incredible athletes in the prime of their life, doing magnificent things, and I'm 28 and I feel over the hill, and really wanting to punish myself for not being better. I sometimes punch myself hard, and contemplate cutting or worse.

The only thing that keeps me from really thinking about ending it all is that i don't want to disappoint my parents. I owe them so much, I need to make them proud. They say they ARE proud of me, but I don't believe it. They deserve a better son than what they got.

There is always going to be a disparity between what you envision and what you actually produce. I think the Romantic poets had a name for this, but I can't remember what it is.

You could think of your artistic career or growth as a ladder. Each mediocre film is another step on the ladder. You wouldn't be getting anywhere with out them.

Hating the past films is like taking a hammer and knocking out the steps on the ladder below you--it doesn't really make sense, right?

Just the fact that you can look at your past films and see flaws in them shows that you are growing as an artist. You have moved past them.

You might want to try practicing radical self care. You sound like you're basing your personal value on your achievements, when you actually have value beyond what you produce or achieve. If you work on treating yourself well and valuing yourself for who you are, you might end up being even more successful--and it would probably make your parents feel better because I'm sure they love you and wish you could love yourself that way too.

There's nothing wrong with feeling how you feel, but I think you're right in trying to find a healthier mindset because you are worth more than your achievements.

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You've made a film; that's a great accomplishment. Things can never be exactly the way you envision them; the art is in the process - you've created something; contributed; and probably learned some things from it. Put it into positive energy with your new project.
You may be partly right about the post-partum depression. Depression can change your interpretation and experience of things; you may want to talk to your doctor about it; especially if you feel like self-harming.