I feel like I'm suffering a nervous breakdown

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I hated school and college... I was severely underestimated in both places I feel.
I had a girlfriend when I was in college who lives in America... it lasted two years and I put all my eggs in the one basket to be with her my whole life and become a musician... neither dreams are to be taken lightly and without courage.

Well I'm no longer with said girlfriend - it ended about two years ago... eventually I got over this... now however I'm thinking about it all again and feeling tortured.

My parents don't really get what Asperger's is about if I'm honest so I can't get amazing help there.
I tend to refuse meds because I got caught up in the thoughts of conspiracies etc.
I do not know what reality feels like any more... I feel under threat in the presence of people I don't know... I wonder what is real - the physical realm of this, that and the other, or something Spiritual and not seen by the naked eye? I enjoy meditation but it will take constant meditation to get rid of all this horrible stress.

I am very much alone apart from the fact that I live with my parents - I do not even intend to do general work, I just want to be a musician... but I don't know if I'll ever get fans on my side particularly.

I use the site facebook a lot and wonder why the heck no one ever talks to me, likes my statuses etc when many people get likes a thousand fold... it's making me feel crushingly defeated.

Often times I'm carrying a huge amount of mental stress with me and have no one to turn to... no contacts on messengers etc...

I'm in severe pain and it feels like the only person who can get rid of it is me because of the lack of people to talk to.

I also feel like I haven't become anyone particularly interesting... I just want to be a musician etc and meditate on the Chakra's... I have unseen illness I feel... people think I'm doing well but I think I'm heading for a god damn heart attack.

Remembering my former girlfriend and things makes me feel close to barely able to enjoy anything...

I also have a severe thunderstorm phobia that is extremely anxiety provoking.

I don't know what to do, what makes sense, if there's much even worth having passion for...

I don't know how to live.

Hey I don't really know what to say, other than: I understand. I can relate to you really well.
I know there isn't a lot to say, but if you feel like it I'm open to talk, just pm me.
I guess it's not the best comfort but that's the best I can offer.

*hugs* College was like that for me too. It's the constant stress and sensory overload. I felt like the whole world was against me and I had no real way to gauge reality.

Please don't refuse meds. There are some very good ones out there. For me, it was finally being able to calm down enough to sleep properly that's for the most part changed my outlook on life.

If you have good insurance, try to find therapy in private practice rather than at school. If you don't like a therapist, find another.

Remember, you are not alone. Other people have been through this too.

Thank you DunderPF.
Thank you Lucywlf.

To DunderPF: Thank you for the offer. I may send a pm soon. I hope you feel well.
To Lucywlf: It can be very painful to feel isolated, ostracized, which is a pain I know well, and I know many Aspies will also undeservedly experience this; the world can feel like a cruel place to those with a difference... we have to be that shade braver than most people it feels like sometimes.
About the meds - what detached me from them was that I was thinking about the illuminati, government conspiracies etc. because people introduced me to the topic of conspiracy theories etc. but apart from the fact that I can't even deem what's real and what's made up (can anyone?), it's terribly bad for my health to think about the stuff, so I got paranoid about taking meds etc. but maybe I'm not perceiving things correctly. The other more intelligible reason I don't take them is because it makes me feel patronized to take them and I just kind of want to do and experience things naturally and without meds, but maybe I'm having a warped opinion of what is natural - if meds are made naturally then maybe it's fine for me to think of them as natural anyway.

Something about depression makes me feel shameful of myself... when I start doing well at things and then burn out of energy, and have a day or two (at least) doing barely a thing at all, I feel like a total humiliated failure... but maybe it's nothing like that and maybe I'm not seeing the beauty of life, and maybe I'm not respecting the needs of my body and mind (and Spirit, if one believes in this concept; I half do personally).

I think I must be pragmatic... I must move slowly, and not greatly ambitiously right now.
I have to be very, very careful... focussing on thoughts of my ex girlfriend again when this wasn't an issue any more but is now again is disappointing and painful for me, and it is eating me up and not letting me practice music and do the things I want to do in life, so I must be very careful.
I am going to figure out a strategy to allow myself to keep healthy, musical, even if thinking about these things again; it is not good and there's no time in my life to get back into this state - her and I do not talk any more so I can't get help from her so I must be very careful of my state.
Thinking about emotional trauma is an effort in itself... so distractions may help but work rate has to be careful, not perfectionist, and slow... I think, for me right now.