My Facade is Slipping...

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Hi, let me introduce myself...

I'm 48 years old and I was diagnosed with Aspergers about a month ago but by then, the diagnoses was sort of like the answer key at the end of a very complex text book. And it came almost as a relief. When I was a child Autism was rarely talked about, was a "disease" that affected mostly boys, and nobody had ever heard of Aspergers. But that didn't change the fact that I had these traits and I learned to cover them up.

I grew up and came to be known as someone who was startlingly intelligent, extremely shy and introverted, and a little quirky with no close friends. But everybody seems to like me...but then, why wouldn't they, I'm a very brilliant door mat. There's nothing not to like... I make sure of that.

Anyway, with my diagnosis came a lot of self-introspection and I've come to the conclusion that I am extremely tired of hiding who I am and I really, really want the time to contemplate exactly who that is. I've hidden everything about me for so many years that there isn't a single soul on the face of this earth who really knows me for who I am when I'm alone. Not my friends, not my family, not even my own husband. I am extremely adept at covering up the aspects of me that I don't want anyone to see... (example: I smoked pot for 3 years before my husband knew and even then, I had to tell him.)

BUT... now that I know, and I've let a little of my facade slip, I think I'm losing contact with it... it's like my stimming has increased to the point I can't cover any more and even I'm starting to be aware of it.

And I cry ALL the time.

And I can't focus on anything any more... it's like the depression is taking over and tearing down the mask I've worn for 48 years...the one that covers my Aspieness. I am failing at the job I've held for 11 years and I'm afraid I'm going to be let go.

What do you do when you just can't keep it inside anymore? I've set myself up to fail by pretending to be NT for so long and thinking I was doing a great job of acting... Well, I was. Too good. Now everybody is mad at me because I can't be that person any more. And I don't know what to do...

I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate dealing with everyone around me. My son calls me every day for money, my EX daughter in law calls every day for whatever reason. She is drama personified and I get stomach aches when I see her name on the caller ID. I do not have the ability to say no to their requests because I cannot lie. If they ask if I have $20, I can't say no when I know full well that I do and I can't deny them because they are so broke and I feel guilty if I say no. So now I'm broke, and my credit cards are maxed out and they still call every day and I just want to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me.

Thanks for letting me rant...

I'll be okay.

Welcome to WrongPlanet. You're among friends. Not only that, you're among a bunch of people that are JUST. LIKE. YOU.

Will you be o.k.?
I hope so.
p.s. I can recommend turning off the ringer on the phone. for what it's worth, smoking pot at this point in your life may not be the best idea.

I will be ok.

And the pot was a long time ago

I have thoroughly enjoyed reading on this forum as I've seen other express so many of the behaviours that I thought I was the only one trying to conceal. It has really been an enlightening month for me.

Yup-- That is, it seems a lot of the time, what Aspie chicks do. Become very intelligent door mats who are adept at hiding anything that doesn't fit and, consequently, have no idea of just who the f**k they are anyway.

Well, don't feel too stupid-- I went through the process of choosing to accept myself as-is, and then made the decision to transform myself into THAT anyway. Didn't work out any better for me than for anyone else.

I rather suspect nobody has a hell of a lot of answers, but-- Welcome aboard.

Yup-- That is, it seems a lot of the time, what Aspie chicks do. Become very intelligent door mats who are adept at hiding anything that doesn't fit and, consequently, have no idea of just who the f**k they are anyway.

Well, don't feel too stupid-- I went through the process of choosing to accept myself as-is, and then made the decision to transform myself into THAT anyway. Didn't work out any better for me than for anyone else.

I rather suspect nobody has a hell of a lot of answers, but-- Welcome aboard.

The facade might have to slip a little, that's okay. I know exactly what you are talking about and I wish I could be more articulate in offering some kind of moral support. You are not alone.

Let the facade fall. It's impossible to keep it up without suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. I've had a hard time with this ... I've been a doormat as well and after a while I didn't know who I was anymore. Not even when I was alone. I think it takes time to find yourself again.

Hi Budfarmer! Welcome to Wrong Planet! Check out the many interesting forums here. You are among friends here at WP!

If your former daughter in law has no kids with your son, block her calls. Check your phone's instructions on how to do that. If you mislaid them look it up online at the phone's brand web site address.

If your former D-I-L has kids with your son, then turn off the wringer and only take the calls when YOU want to. If she demands to know why you haven't been taking all her calls just tell her that you can't handle any more of her drama as it's stressing you out, so she shouldn't call unless it's a real emergency or a friendly chat call. Also, tell her when is a good time of day, and what day of the week to call. I suggest only taking one or two calls a week from her, and that only if she is the mother of any of your grand kids. From then on, just tell her you were busy to take her calls. You don't owe her any explanation as to what you were busy doing. Also, keep calls short by telling her you have to go, as you have some stuff to do, when you have had enough of her.

As for both your D-I-L and your son draining your finances, just tell them that, "The Bank of Mom has gone out of business, and when can you pay me back what you've already borrowed?" If you say that every time they call they will stop calling to borrow money, and you will probably receive less drama queen calls from them, too, but it will take a little while for them to get the message.

Practice telling them that, "The Bank of Mom has gone out of business, and when can you pay me back what you've already borrowed?", ahead of time, so it will seem more natural to say it when the time comes. If they want to know of where else they can get some cash, suggest a job, or secnd job, or garage/bake sale, etc. Think of the fun you will have saying "The Bank of Mom has gone out of business, and when can you pay me back what you've already borrowed?" to them every time they call.

Have fun!

Aspergirls are masters of masking.
The skills you've learned won't go away, they are just in abeyance while you come to terms with who you are without the mask and when you're ready you will be able to use them again, just you'll be more in control of how and when.

I'm 48 and have sort of been going through a similar thing, though I'm closer to the end of the process now. I've masked my autism for the most part all my life, even after I knew that I couldn't possibly be NT, and I still do (the mask is useful), but there are times when the mask slips and I can't hold out. That used to be a real problem before I admitted to myself that I'm on the spectrum, I would completely lose it, end up in a crisis of anxiety, hide in my room to have my meltdowns.............Now I just laugh it off, I'm autistic, what else do people expect from me?

I am really, really fortunate to have a fantastic boss who spotted my autism pretty quickly and she values me for it - she is our top specialist; if she says I'm autistic, I can't deny it, lol!
It is an advantage for her to be able to employ someone on the spectrum, both from the point of view of my inside knowledge and understanding and from the point of view of inclusivity - how can a company specialising in autism not benefit from including the very people they set out to help? The advantage for me is that I can be myself with her and my colleagues and even, within professional parameters, with my students. And best of all I can say when I have a problem and know someone will understand and support me. For example, my boss knows I am structure averse and doesn't try to pin me down, she knows paperwork sends me scatty and only asks for the absolute minimum, she knows I will end up in A&E every couple of months because I fall down the stairs or stick a crotchet hook through my finger (no balance, delayed sense of pain) and accepts it.
I just wish it hadn't taken till last year for her to find me!

I was really struggling with myself, my identity, my place in life, for a while, things seemed to be falling apart and I couldn't cope. For the first time in my life I admitted I needed medication to cope with the anxiety and I discovered after a couple of disasters, that a very low dose of fluoxetine (about 1/3 of the normal minimum) keeps my head above water. Since then I've coped much better and in the last few years I have done things I would never have considered as the doormat masking my autism - I have stood in elections, I have stood up for my children against systems that would have destroyed their lives, I have let myself shine through my mask and I like who I see (mostly).

So my advice is go and look for some help - start with talking to someone about your anxiety, get medication if you need it but don't expect that the first thing you try will be the right one for you, or that the dose you need will be the same as that an NT might need (we are very sensitive to chemicals and often need much less than most people). Then look at disclosing to your manager and asking for accommodations at work to help you manage the transition from your mask to yourself - your GP may be able to help with a letter explaining that you are going through a difficult time emotionally because of your diagnosis and you may be able to go part time for a bit while you adjust. And if you still really hate it you can start looking for something else - in my worst period I decided shelf-stacking would be about all I could cope with and I would probably have enjoyed it for the simplicity, and rhythm, now I'm back on my feet I'm working at a higher level in my profession than I ever considered I could before.

You need to find yourself and become who you want to be, then perhaps you'll have the strength to cope better with your family and work

i can relate to how you feel, even though i'm a lot younger still.

my revelation started about a year ago, when a recommended public speaking workshop at my college made me realise that i was more different then i thought at first (i have my diagnosis from early highschool, so it wasn't a complete surprise, yet i respoded earlier by masking more effectively; i knew what ot mask).
this realisation hit me quite hard, so hard in fact that i went to see a psyciatrist.
while there, i got comfortable enough to lift a small corner of my facade, but that small corner opened the entire act and i had to reinvent myself.
i'm now at the point that i have restabilised, and build a new, smaller and weaker, facade, so i can still hide in plain sight, yet remain true to myself, with the only disadvantage that the true me is showing on occasion, amongst friends; which are then taken by surprise, and think i faked the 'true' me they saw for a second...

Your entire response was comforting, but this last paragraph was enlightening. I have always noticed an extreme sensitivity to chemicals and medications. The list of medications I have tried and discarded is quite lengthy...however, no one has ever suggested titrating down below the minimum normal dosage. That is very interesting to know.

As for assistance, I have scheduled a meeting for early next week with the Employee Assistance Counselor at work to disclose my diagnosis and ask for some help. I have been with the company for over 11 years, and for 10 of those, I had a female boss who was only concerned with getting the job done well and she allowed me to dictate how I needed to function to do that. It was wonderful, but aided me in hiding my condition without me even realizing it. Then in early 2011, I got a new boss and he is horrible. I have made the same types of requests of him that I made of my former boss (can I work at home today?, can I move to a quieter cubicle?, can I come in really early or stay really late so that I can work when nobody else is here to distract me?) and he continues to deny me any accomodation. And my work quality suffers for it. My former boss is still here and she sees what he is doing to me, but she can't really do anything.

But now that I do have an official diagnosis, I am going to insist that they make a few accomodations for me... most of my requests (made via email, so I have documentation), have been the ones above and they are on days when I know that I will not be able to cope with the office environment. My cubicle is in the center of a large marketing group (I'm not marketing). They chat all around me all the time about promotions and shows and business expos they are planning, blah, blah... There are days I can't do anything but sit in my office chair and quietly stim...

I'm glad you found it comforting, I know how difficult this stage can be - part of my job is supporting students going through diagnosis and coming to terms with it afterwards and they are referred to me rather than other members of our team largely because I can relate to that experience even though I still haven't got formal diagnosis. For some it is a relief, for some it almost literally hits them in the face, but every one of them takes a dive for a while before resurfacing more confident than they ever thought they could be. The thing to hold on to is that you are the same person as you always were, you're just getting to know yourself that bit better and in the end you will be so much stronger for the self-awareness you are building.

On the subject of medication, Temple Grandin has written something on drug dosage and autism - she suggests the same: less is best!

stay strong!

Zemanski, thanks for the words of encouragement. You are right, this is a diffficult time and I do have to keep reminding myself, that this diagnosis is NOT surprising, and really doesn't change a thing about who I am except that now I have a little better understanding of who that is.

On the other hand, it has given me a sense of validation on some levels and has sent my head for a spin on others. I find myself hypervigilent about my behavior lately, almost psychoanalyzing everything I do... "is this because I'm an aspie?" type thoughts...

I've also taken closer notice of my family now that I've been diagnosed and disclosed it to them. Their reactions are interesting to digest. I cannot help but wonder in what ways I have influenced or hampered my son's development because he is so obviously an NT and he's been raised with an Aspie mom. It's funny to recollect now, in retrospect, some of the things that he seemed to instinctively know about me when he was just a child.

I remember one time we were running late for something and we had to stop at the store on the way. My son was less than 6 at the time because he hadn't started school yet. Anyway, I was fretting over the time as we were standing in a slow-moving check out line. Punctuality is something I am really adamant about. My son knew that I have a total aversion to talking to strangers, but he could sense that I really needed to know the time (I cannot wear a watch... I'll obsess). I was probably mildly stimming. I remember him taking my hand, and saying "Mom, we have plenty of time, see?" Whereby he asked the man in line in front of us for the time. Turns out we were doing fine and made it to the event on time. But I really remember how impressed I was that he knew that I needed to know and was unable to ask for myself.

I commented in another thread that yesterday was my son's 21st birthday. I totally failed at creating a celebration for him.

And is it okay if I feel dread or resentment when I am going over to visit my granddaughters? I love them, but sometimes a toddler and a newborn is just too much for me.

Budfarmer,
In your first post you put into words what I have been feeling lately. I am 42 and have an appointment next month to discuss with a psychologist the possibly of being an Aspie. I will have to admit it will be a relief if it is positive as it would explain a lot in my life. I felt like I was broken and if I worked hard enough I would be able to understand the things around me better. I realize now I too have created a facade and can no longer maintain it. My wife and sons have been very supportive and are the ones to first recognize the potential signs. I have only been able to skim over some of the other post because I am at work but I look forward to reading more later. The best thing now is I no longer feel alone and isolated, I truly feel like I belong to something for a change. Thanks to all of you at WP.

I've lost count of the times my daughter, now in her teens, has stopped me stepping out onto the road in front of traffic or guided me away from the down escalator I was attempting to go up on, lol! It's a sort of private joke that I only taught her road sense so she could look after me!

I spent today in the hospital, first my daughter's physio and then to A&E for a splinter removal - only there an hour and a half when I got an emergency call from the university because my son had a meltdown in an exam (they put him in a room with motion sensors on the lighting and the lights kept going out; he only lasted 15 mins) so had to leave only to return after lunch to sit for another 3 hours or so. By the end I was stimming so hard, and on the edge of tears, all over the tiniest splinter and had to ring home to get myself grounded more than once. Had to do it though, the GP couldn't see me till Thursday and I can't risk infection as I'm not allowed antibiotics.

Understanding from family is essential

And no, it's absolutely normal to dread visiting family - I actually prefer the little ones being there though, when they are around I can let myself be distracted from the social family stuff I can't cope with and get down on the floor with them, it's the adults i find difficult, I'm just not cut out to be a social animal even with family in small doses. What I hate most, though is family visiting me, itdisrupts our little corner of the world too much.