....one of the only reasons I can't, is because it would ruin all of my family's lives. They would be so devastated. It would hit them out of nowhere, but that is part of my problem I just can't ever talk about "feelings" with them. If I told them (parents) that I was depressed (a HUGE understatement, but a starting point) they would ask how come? As if they have absolutely no clue as what I have been going through my whole life. I realize that they can't read my mind, but that is besides the point, they just don't even have a clue. Im 25 now what help can they actually give me? I've never found emotional support in them, or anybody really.
But its kind of like f**k....what the f**k is wrong with me?
1. terrible insomnia for the past 3 years has taken its toll
2. Never had a romance before (had more than several chances, all of which were in sporadic time intervals each time leaving me with wtf feelings like how could any girl actually like me? There must be something way f****d up about her......so I ignored)
3. Just terribly depressed lately. I have been lonely and depressed my whole life, but I always thought "things get better as you get older" and thats what I have been told. Things only seem to get better if your not stuck, because then you keep progressing and maturing. But not, it feels like im so f*****g stuck, and that/those ship(s) have already sailed. I've been stuck my whole life, and everytime I try to get out of it, I can't.
4. Im just so isolated I try being around people at work and gym classes, but I just end up freaking out inside, all the while trying to 'hold face', yet I can't hold it in im just giving off terrible strange low-self esteem f****d up vibes, AND its a really really really really weird feeling when its in front of people younger than me. I feel very very avoidant, and at the same time I force myself to not be, but at the same time it just my mind starts racing.....
5. My whole life is just a waste. High school was a complete waste. I hardly talked to anyone. I walked around everyday at lunchtime trying to avoid everyone hoping no one would see how lonely I was. I never found my place or anything REMOTELY IN BALLPARK, and I STILL HAVEN'T. I just didn't know it at the time how this was going to set the tone for the rest of my life. I just had no idea. When I think about HOW BADLY MY LIFE f*****g SUCKS RIGHT NOW, all I remember is that YEAH ITS NOT A SURPRISE, this was exactly how you were like in high school. Nothing has changed. You f****d up bigtime. This is the same behavior, the same thought patterns, the same avoidance.
6. College was a waste. Dropped out.....really didn't go through the motions or find out anything about myself or grow or mature.
I wish everyday this wasn't my reality. I dream everyday my life wasn't like this. This isn't how I want to be. Just nothing.
19 Jul 2012, 1:05 am
I know that feeling... if things haven't ended yet, you still have a chance to turn things around! Please... my marriage may be over but you might have a chance to make something of yours! Find out what she likes/wants and spend time with her...
