I just want to die....

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.....lately more and more for quite some time I feeling manic. I dont know if im having manic thoughts, but something similar maybe really bad paranoia. I cant see a doctor because I dont have one and I am moving soon.

Something I noticed about myself, when I am by myself, I am a f*****g wreck, especially after my anxiety kicks in, I start to feel really paranoid, If I turn my head to look anywhere other than straight ahead, someone sees me and starts staring at me, and then I have to look away. Its like people are looking at me because I look weird or different, or they can just sense Im NOT one of them.

When I am around other people, are talking to family, I just block all of this out. I just hide. I don't know how to express this. Maybe its only a feelin when I am alone, or I really am hiding when I am in their presence, so they don't see me naked metaphorically speaking. I just don't know, its part of the reason why I could say I identify with AS, or I'm feelin really depressed, and my parents would ask "depressed about what?". How can I possibly explain explain why Iv felt like s**t my whole life. How can I possibly explain to anyone the level of anxiety I feel? Theres not enough words to really explain it, and if there are, my brain doesn't function to that level to be able to express myself. They just have no idea. I had too much pride when I was in high school still living at home to say I never had any friends and was a lonely schmuck. But I still am, and I can't see a way of saying that now, because they would still have no idea.

Thanks for sharing. I wish the best for you. Hope things get better.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think it may help to focus on getting more out of your shell and experiencing life. Meditate on the moment as it is, and embrace it for what it is. The thoughts that surface are possibly things you have repressed. Try writing them down in as light a way as you can. And memory exercises help. It could be as simple as focusing on an object and a thought, and relating the two or a memory and talking about it. A good memory. People aren't perfect, and if you feel too exposed you can talk or think through it by reassuring your positives outweigh the negatives. That's what helps me and how I stopped being socially anxious and withdrawn. Good luck!

Don't try to do anything stupid, you'll regret it.

Things will get better. It will honestly get better. It's completely impossible to believe in the state of mind you are in (wanting to die. i know the feeling) but just keep on going, twill get better dude.

Nothing gets better. I have to make things better. I have to pour my heart and soul and be 100% honest with myself and maybe maybe then I can beat my depression, my loneliness, my social dysfunction/ avoidant behavior, my loveshyness /chronic fatigue whatever..........f**k naming labels. I don't know how to do it because I just don't fit in anywhere. I've never found any place where I remotely fit in and felt at ease.

I've been told things get better my whole life when I was starting HS. I waited forever thinking I would naturally mature like the rest. I would eventually feel comfortable in my own skin. HS blew by. DIdn't happen........went to college and moved away........a complete f*****g waste. It didn't happen.

Its so painfully obvious to myself, and nobody really knows me. I don't think there is anybody on the face of this earth really knows the real me. Its so painfully obvious to myself that im stuck. Im so f*****g stuck mentally. There are 17 year olds that smoke me with their emotional intelligence and their personality and life experience too. Im just so f*****g ashamed of myself, wasting my whole life. Always compressing myself trying to fit in and pretend like I am open-minded.