Disassociation

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I was wondering if any of you have experienced this-it's something that has been troubling me lately.

My friends (whom I have gone to high school with for the past six years), daily routine (going to high school, homework, a set rigid schedule) has been completely disrupted ever since I began college. I am clueless and anxiety-ridden over planning my own schedule and following through. I have wasted my year being unproductive, what I call lazy, and humiliating. But even worse, ever since everything I experienced as "familiar" (the friends/routine/school) was changed and taken away, I have felt an extreme sense of displacement. I no longer know who I am and it's scary. All the familiar aspects of my life that I rooted myself in are no longer there and I feel nebulous, anonymous, and strange. It's as if I don't exist and am not comfortable or secure with being in the world.

Does this make sense? The same thing happens when my stuff is moved around or gotten rid of (like in my room/closet/ect). If the familiar knick knacks and items that I associate with "me" are removed, I no longer know who I am and begin to panic.

Does anyone have advice for this? Have you experienced this ever? It's really strange. I don't even know what I've been doing the past year or so. It's all a strange blur and I've accomplished nothing. I've become increasingly dependent on various medications to get through the day and not succumb to anxiety/ocd/depression/panic attacks, but that has taken a toll on my sense of self even more. I don't know if it's worth it to sacrifice your personality/soul/what have you in order to feel more normal/secure/stable. But I have had extreme difficulty making it through the day and don't enjoy doing anything anymore. I sleep until late afternoon and have such self-hatred it's pathetic and makes me cringe with rage.

You gave a word to something that I have been struggling with for a long time now.
Im 20 now and since I left highschool at 16 I haven't accomplished anything in a similair way as you have. Im looking forward to the responses here.

If you watch Temple Grandin, you'll see that your are not alone; many on the spectrum have this issue. Not weird at all, for many.

I wrote a blog post last night about what it feels like to be trapped.

I relate to many of these posts here. I feel like I know in my head who I am, but that's about it. I feel disconnected from the world, from life, from myself, from happiness.

I have equated many of my struggles to a lack of sufficient mental stimulation (something I address in the blog post), but the root of that lack is simply that I am stuck, left outside of myself and trying desperately to get in.

Structure helps a little, but it doesn't help me identify with myself. Change worsens everything. Change effects my identity. Structure is at the same time a comfort and a death sentence. This too gave me a word to my struggles. I have labeled this OCD, depression, and at times not even had a name for it. Maybe this time, I can get some answers.

Here's my blog post if you're interested. It's long, but it's an example of how I feel when I'm outside. In fact, the whole darn blog is.
Aspiration Blog

Are we kidding? Another dead thread?

I have dissociation. It's manifested as derealization. The world seems fake or imaginary. Life is a blur. My consciousness feels altered like in a dream state. My memory and cognitive abilities are poor. The last year seems like a dream. This is all due to a bad drug trip.

Sweet Pea hugs

I have experienced something like this. At the time it was tumultuous and extremely disconcerting, but looking back on it now I can see that it was the best education I ever had.

What I took from it was the realization that who you are changes in every single moment, so don't worry about who you were in the past, that was the THEN you. All you have to do is be the NOW you, and to do that you don't even have to try.

You are unable to anchor yourself to anything because the self you refer to doesn't exist. Any label you put on yourself will not last. Trying to label yourself like this is like trying to claim a portion of the sky as your own.

We are all strange, anonymous, and nebulous. Those who claim not to be have simply forgotten. Being alive is very strange. But compared to what? All we have to compare ourselves to is what's around us. You would have the same feeling if you were born on any other planet at any other time.

It is only disconcerting because so few people go through it. They try to cover up the feeling of alienation by seeking escape in drink, drugs, sex, shoplifting etc., not realizing that they are shooting themselves in the foot. They are ignoring the signs that are attempting to lead them out of the illusion they're in.

It is scary, but why not see where it takes you? Indulge this feeling of alienation. Witness it, but don't judge it, just observe. You can always go back to what you were before. You cannot lose yourself, because you are always there, wherever you go. All you have to do is witness it.