Why do -I- have to be the confident one?

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What are women attracted to? The word that's most repeated is "confidence." Confidence, confidence, confidence...okay, well, what about those of us that don't have it? What about insecure guys who are fine when we're already in a conversation, but tremble at the thought of saying hello and of initiating a conversation?

I hate gender roles, but everyone around me is such a f*****g conformist in matters like these, even the ones who are "nonconformists" in visual ways relating to how they dress or what they wear. So I'm not manly, not masculine, and not typical. Why does this make me so unnattractive, especially in San Francisco of all places? Or maybe it's just the zit scars. Or maybe it's that my taste in music is nothing like anyone else's around me. I like bands like Orgy and Marilyn Manson and Emilie Autumn; nobody else nearby does, and with people here musical taste is even more important than political views. I just wish that girls I liked would approach ME, but the only girls that do are ones that I DON'T find appealing at all because I find nothing to connect to in them. It's too bad I don't like girls that are giggly and not particularly intellectual, because most of the girls who like me are like that for some reason. Maybe I crack too many jokes in class, but it's how I make my presence known, and I enjoy hearing the people laugh. But I like girls who are subtler than that, deeper than that...girls who are compassionate and understanding rather than simply "kind" or "easygoing" or any of that, and have weird quirks and a dark demeanor. But the girls I like never show any interest in me, never say anything to me unless I talk to them first, and even then it's ME who has to do all the talking. Yesterday I even worked up the guts to say hi to a girl. She gave me a glance and kept on walking. I was so miserable about it that I couldn't do my homework.

And say I get to the point where I've talked to a girl a few times and know them okay. Will they ever talk to me? Will they ever start a conversation with ME? Never. So then I always feel insecure and wonder if I'm annoying them or if they don't care, or if they're just insecure too, and of course they're just like "Oh I'm sorry I'm just distracted because I'm busy" or whatever whenever I bring it up. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who will both love and accept who I am with honesty, rather than just acting like they accept me but never showing it beyond their words.

And what the f**k is with the PDA's (public displays of affection)? Every day I see girls kissing their boyfriends at school. Every other girls' MySpace profile has their picture with either a kiss or a lick. They always have to make such a big deal about the fact that they're in a relationship and everything's all wonderful, never stopping to think or care about how this makes single people feel. It makes me feel jealous, not of specific people, but of what they share as a whole. It's one more thing that just makes it that much worse, makes it hurt that much more. Girls here are sooooo fine with taking initiative when they're already in the relationship, but somehow guys have to be the ones to start anything. Gender roles. It doesn't matter how "different" most people claim to be, in the end most of their brains work the same way, and because mine DOESN'T I'm screwed.

I want a relationship. I want contact. I want to love, and to be loved. It's terrible. The ideal haunts me every day and night. But no matter how hard I try, it never ever amounts to anything. Every crush becomes either one more missed oppertunity (because I fail to act before classes change), or one more time where I got my heart broken because I let myself think that there was a possibility of a relationship, and got disappointed. I just don't know what to do. I want to be able to sleep at night without being kept awake by my wishes for romance and the inevitable bombardment of self-pity that follows. How can I be romantic if nobody will give me the oppertunity? A whole chunk of my personality has been neglected all my life because I've never had the oppertunity to excercise it, to show it...because I'm insecure. Because I'm not confident. Because I don't know how to attract the right people, or how to be attracted to the right people. I've known homosexuals with better love lives.

Will it ever get better? Will there ever be hope? CAN there ever be hope in a world as rigid as this one? Why can't I find someone I like that feels the same way? Why can't I find a female who has the confidence I lack, but isn't a slut?

Welcome to the disgusting realm of conformity. Even the gayest city in the world isn't exempt from it.

The confidence thing is due to gender roles. You have the indication a paycheck-maker between your legs as far as un-sociologized NTs are concerned, therefore you're supposed to take the dominant role. But then I'm pointing out the obvious... if you want an intellectual, and you're willing to go after NTs, change your style to something relevant maybe? Even go so far as to go about wearing a labcoat?

Honestly, I'd say start mingling with, say, the Church of Satan. Given it's HQ'd in Frisco and it's pretty much the magnet for intellectual atheists, intellectual wannabes and flat-out rebels, it's a good place to start. Take the inquisitive role and you might find yourself a mate when you aren't trying or really thinking about it.

Otherwise, look to the feminists. You might find a monogamous romantic among them who will make all the moves, pay for the dinner, and repair the car just to spite the current norms.

As for PDA's, "love" is 95% trophy and 5% emotional companionship. Unfortunately that makes it a bloody pain in the ass for those of us who are going strictly for emotion.

Either way, even if you don't actively ASK for love, you're not gonna get anywhere by simply being a complete submissive.

I wouldn't wear a labcoat because I'm not scientific at all. I'm an artistic sort. I do wear a black trenchcoat though. That's relevent in gothic circles, which I'd like to attract, but sadly they're in short supply here.



No, but I don't see why I should have to make all the moves either. Thanks though...I'll mull over what you've said.