why is it so hard to cope

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I saw an ex basically looking homeless with his new girlfriend and scoring drugs. Why don't I feel glad I am miles from the place in my life I was when I was with him? I was miserable. I couldn't take care of both of us. I couldn't take care of him and I couldn't support both of us and afford to pay for him to go to drug counseling, not that I ever convinced him he should.

I feel so alone. And day by day the universe reveals another layer of darkness.

What the heck is wrong with me? Why did I love someone like that? Why do I feel like I failed him?

I have a similar past experience, so I will say, it is not because something is wrong with you. Even people with serious substance addictions have their good qualities and thngs that are attractive, and loveable. It is just hard because you see those good things sometimes and at other times they are hidden or taken away by the bad things that happen with addictions.

It is also hard to walk away even if you have to do it to save yourself. Just because someone has hurt you and themselves with their addiction doesn't mean your heart can just stop loving them. But give yourself distance, and give it time. Keep doing what you need to do for you, and know that there is nothing you could do to fix or change another person. Maybe you could find help thru a program called Al-Anon, it is support for the families and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts who have asked themselves the same questions you are hurting from now.

Remember that you are honoring yourself by having healthy boundaries where you don't take care of someone who refuses to take care of himself. You take care of you, and build on what you like to do, and I promise you, you won't be alone forever. But take some time. Stay aware. When you get interested in yourself and what you can do with your own life you won't be as likely to get sunk with a person who drags you down. It sucks and it hurts and may hurt for a long time, but let go of the person.

I hope you feel better soon

I theorize that you don't actually miss him, you miss being with someone. It sounds like he was the last person you were with, so he is just the face of you missing being with someone.

No, I don't miss that relationship. I miss the decade long friendship that got destroyed in the process but still, I don't even miss him or being with someone. I've dated since, but I can't deal with being in a relationship right now. Which makes it so strange that I should want to live alone, have a lot of time to myself etc. because I feel like I'm the only person who can see how messed up I really am and I feel so alone. Yet I'm... choosing it, I think?

I feel like I sat by and watched my best friend dig his own grave and tried everything but extending a hand to help him climb back out.

I feel like I just accepted it and it's too late to offer help now, even if I wanted to speak to him, I wouldn't anymore. I never want to see him again because this accidental sighting(hours from where he lives, minutes from where I live, as if he wanted me to see him) has left me feeling like I saw a dead man that I helped to kill.