The reason why.

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This is it.
This is the reason, the explanation for it.

The reason I made such inflammatory adoption posts is because I'm afraid of finding out that I'm sterile. I felt that if I have kids of my own, I can leave my mark on the gene pool. If I don't, I'll only be a specter, a ghost living on through my works.

I have the disease to please. What if my future lover/wife wants kids, but she can't either? My greatest nightmare is being a horrible father.

I can hardly type anything. I had a breakdown at vocational rehabilitation today after adoption was brought up. I don't know what to say.

Do you have any reason at all to suspect that you are sterile?

Unless you have tried to conceive for over a year (which I'm presuming is not the case, due to your age) then there is no reason for you to think that you aren't able to father children. Again, unless you try for a baby before you are married (or your wife already has children), then you cannot be sure whether or not your wife will be fertile either. All these things are completely outwith your control. There is also no reason to believe that you will be a horrible father.

If you have a therapist, perhaps you could talk it over with them. Going round and round in circles worrying about this must be exhausting and is not very helpful.

I don't believe that you would be a horrible father. I think you could be a good father if you truly want to be a father.

BS.

I'm afraid that if I adopt a baby, they'd be in a foster home within two years, my writing career would be ruined, and I'd be in a coma from the alcohol intake.

At least you don't have to worry about your biological clock. And at least you care about these things. And even if you only stick to your own age group, you'll have about 30 years worth of trying .

Still, I'd rather have kids of my own in the future rather than someone's handmedowns and leftovers.

It's not that expensive to get a sperm count done.