The Pain is Too Much!

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I have spent years trying to be okay and find happiness. I have not succeeded. Often when I am okay and kinda "happy" someone new enters my life and ruins it.

I have so many strikes agianst me, female, part Black and it shows, have high morals and old school values as far as romantic relationships go. On top of all that I have genital herpes and the majority of the type of men I am attracted to physically(racially/ethnically) and culturally are not attracted to me and many of those that are would not marry me for my Blackness alone...add genital viral disease to that.

I have a disfunctional family. I was abused in many ways growning up. ( I am in the process of ditching my family and hope to start my own)

I planned to be married no later than the age of 25 and am now more than a year over that mark. I know a woman that is highly permiscuous, unfaithful when in a relationship recently married and cheated right before and right after the marriage (as in 1to4 days after and before) with multiple men. This same woman has knowingly slept with men that are in committed relationships some married (no they weren't open relationships). I have seen her get angry when the man she has been envolved with is out with his woman or has made plans to spend time with her instead of Ms.Slut.

I never wanted to be unhappy and married that is just as bad as being alone at best after the honey moon faze is up it will be just as bad. I feel like most people marry and view divorce as a way out; not many honestly see marriage as a lifetime long relationship that is to be respected and honored.

I was engaged more than once and the men treated me poorly. I was lied to by a man about major factors in his life like his parental (1yr lie kept up) and marital status(nearly 2 years lie kept up). This guy had no remorse for his lies and to this day he still doesn't. For so long he said he didn't lie he just "didn't want to tell". He out right said he had no kids even told me why; that's a lie and an elaborate lie. He was legally separated not divorced and I made all of my requirements clear must not be married and have no kids. He told me about his child after he asked me to marry him the first time and I said yes. THEN he says well "there's something you have to accept if we're guna get married".....Yep...that he has a kid. It ended and I dated someone else for a few months who was GREAT minus 2 divorces and his fear of being cheated on and divorced again. The Mr. Lies and I were on and off for 3 years. When I asked for divorce papers he never showed them to me always put it off, claimed he couldn't find them, threatened "If I show you we will be done!",
The comments he makes about White people this, etc....I know that is what he idolizes...even though he won't admit it. His cousin added me asked me my race first....then saw my pics and delted me...most of them have married northern european women.

I have no way out. Life is expensive especially for someone like me that has a lot to overcome. When Ms.Slut got married I was devistated and on top of that she was acting cocky about it, yuck! Snarky remarks...snooty facial expressions was terrible. she has 8 children by 6 different men and every preganacy she had she was not sure who the father of her kids are 2 for sure she does not know still. She spends moneey on herself before she takes care of her kids.

Ms.Slut has been envious towards me for the past 7 years, trying to out buy me, say something I have or like is ugly/weird then goes and gets it.
Mr.Lies has said/done a lot more emotionally abussive things. Recently like a desperate fool I decided to give him another chance(going on 4 years now) and decided to look around to "make sure"....saw that 1 month before he asked me to marry him initally that he told his "wife" that he loved her.... literally 1 month and this was the same time he came over assuming I'd let him live with me. I made it clear I don't believe in living together before marriage; I am sure he just had no place to go. So now at least I am all shut off to any hope for him and of him but am still very hurt.

I have done talking and it does not help. I can't afford therapy but from what I see online and from others it doesn't help most people in steep situations and it helps some people walk off the edge.

Fiance #2 was just using me so he wouldn't be alone as he also had a hard time having genital herpes and finding someone. He isn't bright I'd honestly say his IQ is about 80. He was mean, very short temprered, verbally abusive, dishonest about his personality and selfish.
Friends can be nice but aren't the key to happiness not for me anyway.
I wanted to be married that was a major part of my dream/life goal. After all the reading I've done online and the many dates I've gone on and the bad experiences I have had with men I don't even trust marrying anyone. Most men get way more out of marriage than women do and most of them don't even see it. I want someone that likes ME my personality, my body, my lips, my eyes, my eyebrows, my natural hair color, my tanned complected brown skin, my height, my voice, my smell, how I cook and how I dress, etc.

I crave to be vendictive, spiteful and selfish. That is something I want to experience. I noticed alot of people that are that way get what they want more often than "nice" people do. I want to do it to feel it, to possibly release some pain and to gain/have some power. So many people view "nice" people as targets and then when we speak up they attempt to scare us and or slap us down. I hate how so many people in this society has the "blame the victim" mentality or is it better noted as a syndrome.

There's a lot more traumatic experiemces I have had in my life A LOT...Been beat growing up, abandonned, talk down to by so many people, verbally/emotionally abused by more than just those two men and by family and "friends". I'm "very likely autistic" and doing my best to avoid diagnosis at least recorded diagnosis. I guess it is so bad that even people on regular sites told me I need to go on here when chatting with me... had a guy I was seeing out right ask me if I had aspergers wasn't so bad he has it too turned even he was married!

I have my cat. I love my cat so much! I can't even do for her the extravagant things I want to do because I am so affraid of people so I don't work. I would love to have a steady job that I feel comfortable working 20 to 30 hours a week.

I honestly wish suicide were easier and I honestly know that is my only sure way to end my pain. I want to put everyone that has hurt me "on blast" on my way out.

I wrote this somewhere else but instead of saying the same things...I pasted it here with some modifications.

Wow, I'm interested to see all the similarities (misunsterstood, singled out, patronized, lied to etc.) and to see the different sides of the same coin (gender, complexion, social interactions).

I wonder what it is that we tend to form and try to maintain relationships with those who are the moral and temperamental opposites of us, part of the pattern I suppose.

I fought my whole life to be free of the 'Rain Man' label, all the self-help books and advice helped in some aspects but I could never get past the plateau, since landing at WP I've learned that I never was neurotypical and never will be, and that has allowed me the peace of knowing certain things were and are not my realm, that I'm not (that) crazy and I'm not as wrong all the time as people like t tell me I am. Welcome and I hope you find that peace for yourself

Where are you meeting these guys? It sounds like you aren't looking in the right places for someone with your personality. Try somewhere were smarter, better off men assemble.

Where do you live? Where I am places love to hire black females, double diversity. It's far from being a strike.

I am sorry to hear you say you have herpes. I remember seeing a website for std positive dating. That might help you too.

Lastly, why do you yearn to be vindictive and selfish? These are not desirable qualitiies and of I read a girl say that, I'd run for the hills.

One thing to clear up is that suicide will not have any effect on the people who hurt you.

But as far as Life Plans: No plan survives the first draft. You are learning things and can adjust your plans accordingly. Waiting until you find the right person can't be scheduled. When I was your age I too wondered if it would happen, but then at 27 it did. Don't settle for anything less then someone you are absolutely sure of. Better remain single then get into a bad marrige I think. Look closely at employment as I often see that as the key to starting to make satifactory progress. Supporting yourself and and the opportunities and confidence it brings are very basic and strong foundation blocks. Maybe think more of yourself as an independant person with your own life and goals. Since you are not married and have no kids, you are in the best position for accepting jobs or positions anywhere. Moving to a new environment can have a broadening effect.