So sad I can't sleep.

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At the college I went to (it feels odd typing 'went to', I finished my A levels in June, and I'm still waiting for my results so it feels like I'm just going to be going back in September) there was a student finance and welfare officer in my first year.

She was really nice, and funny, and not patronising and she really understood how hard it was for me to keep with coming and such like while living with my mother (she has severe bipolar with psychotic features). I know it's silly, because she was just paid to sort stuff out for students and make sure they were okay, but I really felt that she cared about me, as a person, seperate from my mum, and my home life, and everything going on. There's only one other grown up who made me feel that way - my year seven form tutor.

I found myself opening up to her, and when my flat burnt down that summer, I felt she was really someone who would listen to me, and give practical advice. When I had to go back in September she sorted out my train fare, and was trying to sort out a passport for me (because I have no ID), but I couldn't keep up my end of that so I ended up avoiding her a little bit.

In October she told me she had found a really awesome job and was leaving. I know it's irrational, but I felt really betrayed and abandoned. It really made me feel so worthless and pointless. It upset me so much thinking of college and travelling there - because it made me think of her - that I put less effort into attending, and my school work (leading to massive grade anxiety now).

It's like, 10 months since she left and I still start crying whenever I think about her. I am not a person who cries easily. I am mostly emotionally flat, so it really shocks me when I have such extreme emotional responses.

I have a history of abruptly severed relationships and abandonment, so I was probably just being ridiculously over-sensitive. I know that things change, and people leave, and you leave people. But I hate it. I hate having to be mature about it. I never got to be childish about it, I never got to have a tantrum when my mum left me with her boyfriends or relatives, because she was sick. I never got to complain when she packed me up and moved me away from the few friends I'd managed to make, because she needed a fresh start. I never got a say in which boyfriends she kept, and which ones she sent away.

And I hate it. I hate having no control over anything, and I hate people leaving me, and I hate everything changing.

I just want a grown up to care about me, and be there. I want real parents, not ones who leave you in the car for hours while they go and shoot up heroin. I know I'm too old to be adopted, or to get new parents. I'm nineteen. I should have gotten over this obsessive need for adult love and approval. But I'm not. And I don't know how to get over it.

I just someone to be proud of me. Someone who can look at me, and see me as I am, and say, you know what. It's okay, and I'm here.

But I should stop this, because now I'm a covered in snot and crying like a little child. :/ I can't even remember the topic I had in mind when I started writing this.

I actually know exactly how you feel and it really truly sucks and I'm so so sorry.
The best thing you could do is find a counselor you trust to talk to. They will have a better understanding of what you need to rebuild the trusting part of yourself and guide you toward a proper adulthood. I wish I'd done this, instead I toughed it out and now I'm mid-30s and find it extremely difficult to let anyone close.

I hate loss,both my adopted parents(my real aunt & uncle ) died before I was 14,then I wound up being shuffled around from relatives to foster care.Nothing was stable and I think it has gave me problems getting close to anyone,it's like why bother,they'll just die or leave me.When one of my pets dies ,it just devastates me for months.I wish there was something I could tell you to make it better,but I'm still looking for the magic antidote myself.I do hope you feel better.

I know this feeling too. I can't see doctors or other 'professionals' as people that really care for me. Maybe they do, or don't. But I decided that it would be better to find a friend that I can talk to about things that are bothering me. I am running a little short on these valuable resources at the moment, but I know that I need someone trustworthy around me to help me get through difficult feelings like this, or I am left unable to move on.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but did you get a chance to say "thank you" to her for all the things she did for you?

If you haven't, maybe you should send her an e-mail saying so. Even though it may be really late, own up to that, but at least say "thanks" and "I'll miss you." Something I found for myself was that it's hard to say goodbye to someone without having their blessing.

Thanks for the replies.

It's unfortunate that I'm not the only person who feels like this. :/ I hope things improve for you guys too.

@AngelKnight, I don't have her e-mail. I think a lot of me feels too angry and betrayed to talk to her, even though that's irrational. :/

I'm having this problem as well. About two weeks ago my bf and I agreed to break up because he had to move to another state for work and still is trying to get stable with his career. I'm so worried we won't get back together and he's been really feeling insecure and thinks its best to just be friends right now. I disagreed because I think he's the right one for me but we've had communication difficulties because he is an aspie and I'm an NT. I think maybe our first year together distracted him from working on his career goals and he thinks that once things are better we can decide to get back together. It's been so hard though being apart I miss him so much! This does not feel right to be apart but I must keep it together and do the best I can and hope we somehow get back together in the future. It's so hard to sleep without him though.