Self-compassion - and getting better at it

Post Reply New Topic

I just wanted to post something about self-compassion. I've found techniques relating to this very helpful.

I've also found it really difficult to do (and still do) but with practice I am getting better at treating myself in a genuinely compassionate way.

One of the exercises that is used is to try and imagine yourself a safe place, the idea being that you can go to this safe place in your mind and then imagine a self-compassionate and friendly being in it who is being kindly and compassionate to you.

I find it very difficult to imagine any places as being completely safe (for various reasons I'd rather not go into in to much detail). I have actually imagined a couple of safe places, only for my mind to spontaneuosly imagine them being destroyed in some way or other later on (yes my mind can go to some dark places sometimes...).

I was wondering if anyone else has an interest in self-compassion?

Also has anyone else had the 'safe-place' problem, and if so have you found any way round it, a way to successfully imagine a safe-place?

For anyone interested in more about self-compassion a couple of interesting web-site resources are listed below:-
A website set-up by one of the leading researchers on self-compassion
http://www.self-compassion.org/
A website which lists recent psychological research on compassion and compassion focused therapy
http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk

[Note to mods - not sure where this best belongs, as it's in part related to support I've put in the Haven but feel free to move if you think somewhere else is more appropriate].

If people are interested in this I'm happy to post more about my experiences of this technique.

I'm interested, I think self-compassion is what most people need. I've read a couple of books on self-compassion/kindness and it helped me learn to not beat myself up (as much). It also makes it easier to extend that same kindness towards others. People on the spectrum definitely would benefit. I haven't tried the same technique as you, although I have tried some visualization for other types of meditation. For me, it's more about the kind of attitude I choose to have toward myself.

The not beating myself up (as much) bit is the thing I've really been working on. I'm getting pretty good at it now. It's been very helpful in combating depression for me. It has been probably THE most important thing I've got out of my reading on self compassion. I had a lot more difficulty extending kindness to myself than I did extending kindness to others, but I do agree that being kind to yourself DOES make it easier to be kind to others. I've been surprised how much diffference it's made, as I already thought I was quite good a being kind to others before I started actively being self-compassionate.

To start with it was very hard, I'd be beating up on myself for so long, it was a hard habit to break. It took me quite a long time to realise beating myself up did not (usually if ever) do anything helpful.

At the moment, I'm perhaps being a little too easy on myself. I now need to learn how to be firm with myself in a compassionate way, since self-compassion is not about just doing whatever you feel like either.

Sometimes you need to take the long term view about this; not doing something now might give you pleasure or relief in the short term, but it may make things worse for you in the long term so you might be better off doing it now. Self-compassion also means recognising your limitations in a given moment; if you're feeling really sick one day, forcing yourself to do things may make you feel really ill for longer. It's about a healthy balance.

As a basic example, if you do not feel like doing any housework that day, just because you're a bit tired today, it can be a good idea to kindly persuade yourself to do at least a little bit so it does not build up too much, rather than just not doing anything because you do not feel like it. On the other hand if you had a very nasty viral infection, you might do well to leave off most of the housework for the day until you get better.

To me, self-compassion is partly about looking out for your needs and wants, while also respecting others needs and wants.

I really like some of the self-compassion meditations, there is a body scan meditation (I think on the Kirsten Neff website) where you concentrate on and thank each of your body parts in turn for doing what they do and then allow them to relax. I found this one both slightly ludicrous in a gently funny way, but also very satisfying.

One of things I've enjoyed about a number of the books I've read on self-compassion is that the authors both recognise their own flaws, forgive themselves for them and do not take themselves too seriously. I can find this very comforting.

I agree for too many years I've hated myself, and when you do that it's impossible to get close to people.

You can't delude yourself into pretending you are something you aren't, but you can forgive yourself for what you are.

I think I've said before that I tend to "self-parent", which is practically the same thing as what you're talking about.

I remember I did have problems with my "safe place" over the years - especially after the worst event of my life.

I would say that if you are self sabotaging then you "safe place" isn't quite as safe as you think it is.

E.g. when mine was sabotaging... it was leading me to a hallway and down a set of stairs in a room which had my first boyfriends best friend in there.
Problematic for me for many reasons - I don't like indoors, I don't like closed in spaces, or mad made objects with unnatural materials, and I definitely didn't want to think about the guy who was there.

Resolving why my mind kept leading me there instead of where it was supposed to go was very helpful and was what eventually solved the problem. I wasn't dealing with it and was instead trying to ignore it and hoping it would go away because I simply couldn't deal with it - but it was having a substancial effect.

@Kjas

Yes there are a lot similarities between the self-compassion stuff and self-parenting I think. Self compassion also has an aspect of connecting with others by understanding others need compassion too; that might, or might not, be part of self-parenting I suppose, depending on how you did it.

Hmmmm yes as far as the safe place goes, I have been suspecting that some past unresolved stuff is at the root of this...I too have a one-off particularly nasty incident from childhood that I probably still have not fully come to terms with. I may soon have to face it head on rather than hoping it will pass away and ease with time. (This is not something I'd be willing to talk about here). It is a memory of an incident that was surpressed until my late teens.

My psychologists, response was well safe places don't work for everyone, and also there may be some stuff I'm not ready to deal with yet....at the moment she's trying to ensure I can stably self-manage stuff rather than 'fix' everything.

At the minute she's encouraging me to get more exercise (although this sounds glib it is not). I have a lot of nervous energy I need to do some constructive with and I have no current outlet for it. It might be once I've got a useful outlet for the nervous energy I'll be better able to to finally face off the thing I'm avoiding. Now may not yet be the right time, if I ended up feeling a lot more vulnerable for a bit I probably could not handle this too well just now. Too many other outside pressures just at the minute.

May need to finish the PhD first if I can...then deal with the left over stuff then...

All ways easy for me to give to others but never my self. So yes I'm interested as well.
As to my mental safe place It is based on an old cematary I used to go to as little boy. Its a circle in the middle of the forest were the birds wont even go in. Its like nothing living belongs there or ever has. But nothing good or bad ever enters but me, there are no stones left but you can tell why it was put there. I used to lay on the moss and enjoy the silence, pathetic I know but it the quietest place I've ever know.

Visualization is important and powerful. I would definitely encourage others to practice this in a way that makes them comfortable. There are many benefits to it.

There is nothing pathetic about it...That's great. I have gone out into nature to specific locations on so many occasions in my life. It is good that you found a place that works for you. It matters not what location. The important part is that the location was compatible with you. I would really like to know more about this place in the forest you speak of. I have always felt a strong connection with nature and I also like to help others. If you want to talk about it more or anything else feel free.

What makes it pathetic isn't seeking solace in nature but an area that is so unnatural to every one elts . With out talking metaphysically I don't know how to explain the spot. It scared every one that I have ever taken there. Its all ways the same reason I get for them not stepping into it. I don't belong here or this just doesn't feel right. Its cooler than the surrounding area, there is remnants of salt around it, the inside is all covered in moss and mushrooms that glow at night. I can sleep there no fire and feel as if nothing dare try to harm me as long as I am inside the ring of trees. I cant think of any other way to describe it with out sounding mad other than the trees protect me there.

If only I could give myself a little bit of the compassion I give to my stray and former stray cats... They receive everything I never did, and which I don't give myself either.

Listening attentively to really understand what they need / want
Good-quality food
Occasional treats, not so much that it's unhealthy, not so little that it's frustrating.
Doing everything in my power to avoid stress, anxiety, fear and uncertainty in their lives, because they've already had too much of it
Giving them always something to look forward to, a reason to live (all-you-can-eat meats on Friday evenings for 15 strays)
Working with them from the point they are at, not expecting them to be at a certain "acceptable" point but only that they progress from wherever they are. Rewarding them for improvements, not for absolute achievements.
Reassurance, reassurance, reassurance, reassurance.
And most of all, always searching for the underlying cause of their misbehavior rather than blaming their "character"

I'm unable to give myself compassion.

Ah, that makes sense. Thank you. I appreciate your response. This location is important and it fascinates me. Do you like stones and crystals? I am a major fan and have been since I was a child, and I am a collector. Any time you are down to talk about nature or anything else supernatural, paranormal, extraterrestrial/inter-dimensional; I am always around and would like to hear stories and share thoughts and opinions on all of these matters. Have a good one and be well.

It is hard due to my safe place being the woods and since my special interest is in paintings and general aesthetics, I do tend to garner that "attraction" that the word implies. Thus, I have been approached by many a man in the woods and they say "Hi", and I cheerfully say Hi back and walk by, not noticing that random men walking towards me in the middle of an entirely deserted-of-humans and secluded forest was anything "strange" at all. I swear a monster could walk up and start talking to me and I wouldnt flinch one bit. But due to my high focus and career in the state of beauty, and Im successful at it no less, makes my safe place of the woods rendered unsafe for physical safety. The "final straw" was the Park Ranger jabbing my boob with this metal tool in his hand while he interviewed me on why Im not afraid of being by myself in the woods. I think they never did anything to me BECAUSE I was so joyfully innocent and thought of them as these fascinating-by-default people (Im a loud extrovert aspie). The symmetry in insects and leafs has always been a primary interest within understanding beauty with me.
Thus, my newest safe place is in the woods of the Elderquest: Oblivion video game, where I am the Most Beautiful Orc-Lady youve ever laid eyes on, since I worked on my character's aesthetics for six hours, which I know exactly since I have a timer making me aware of time passing so I do not go too far into the Aspergian Legendary Focus and spend an entire day on the beauty of an unreal Orc in a video game. Not productive. But definitely worthwhile.

Anybody else have their safe place in video games like that?

@Moondust - Lots of people have a really hard time giving themselves compassion.
However, the fact that you are so good at giving such wonderful compassion to the cats you know could work in your favour. One things that is suggested, if you are struggling to be compassionate to yourself, is to start by including yourself in compassion you give to a beloved animal friend.

So, at the same time you are giving the cats treats, could you take a small treat along for yourself and enjoy it while they enjoy their treats. At the same times you are saying kind things to the cats, could you try saying something kind to yourself. Also I have read you can self-comfort, by hugging or stroking yourself gently, I have started to do this, and at first it felt VERY VERY weird but with time this has actually been very helpful.

Very tiny acts of kindness to yourself can be a way to begin to be more compassionate to yourself, and you can build on these slowly.

More generally, and this may not apply to you Moondust I don't know, but might affect some of the others who read this thread:-

A key barrier to self-compassion can be self-criticism. it can be really hard to stop doing this because it can be very deeply engrained. a common habit for many of us and therefore very difficult to stop or at least lessen how much you do this.

Self-criticism can happen for a number of reasons according to psychologist Kirstin Neff:

- A defense mechanism - we can do it to make ourselves less threatening to others in the hope they will be more reasonable to us if we're submissive - yep this might sound very weird but there is psychological research and evolutionary theory to back this up.
- Experience of criticism by others - because we experienced criticism from parents, siblings and peers especially if this happened in childhood, you start to believe self-criticism will stop you making mistakes so you won't get criticism from others
- Culture - if you live in a culture which emphasises independence and individual achievement, if you don't mean high goals you can feel your the one to blame
- Means to and end - self criticism creates an illusion of self-contol, also being angry with yourself can also (apparently) give you a feeling of strength and power which means we can "feel superior to those aspects of ourselves that we judge and thus buttress our sense of authority" (Neff, 2011, 28)
- Self-fulfilling prophecy - self critics can tend not to trust others and assume sooner or later people will try to hut them - this can sometimes mean that self-critics are attracted to partners or 'friends' who in some way confirm their feeling of worhtlessness. "They seek to interact with others who dislike them, so that their experiences will be more familiar and coherent" (Neff, 2011,31)


The good thing about a self-compassion approach is you can slowly learn to lessen greatly your self-criticism, by learning to talk to yourself in a kindly and supportive way.

There are lots of ways to start to do this, these include:

- Writing yourself a compassionate and kind letter

- Hugging or caressing yourself

- Visualising a compassionate being or object who thinks and says kindly thoughts towards you (it does not have to be an imgined person it can be a tree, an animal , a flower, or even just a colour - somtimes it can be easier to get this independent visualised being / thing to be kind to you in your head than yourself - but some people also find this type of visualisation difficult)

- self compassion based meditation

- a self compassion mantra which you say when you become unhappy or frustrated rather than just beating up on yourself - for example

You can make up your own self-compassion mantra, changing the words above to suit you better if you wish, the first phrase should bring mindfulness to the fact you are in pain, the second phrase reminds you that "imperfection is part of the human conditon", the third phrase is to bring caring to yourself in the present situation, and the fourth phrase "reminds you that you are worthy of receiving compassionate care".
(see further Neff, 2011, 119-120)

I have manged to be a lot less self-critical and instead be self-compassionate using some of the techniques above, and it's been very helpful to me.

Just as a word of warning you can sometimes get a kind of 'backdraft' effect once you have started being compassionate to yourself, where are part of you seems to rebel against this self-compassion, and the self-criticism and negativity can suddenly return or get a lot worse. This can be quite shocking, but if you can keep on being self-compassionate to yourself in the face of this difficulty, even in small and simple ways, this phase does pass. Speaking from personal experience, this was quite tough to go through, but after I'd got through it, being self-compassionate got a lot easier. There can also be an infatuation stage, where you get completely overtaken by being compassionate to yourself, and you can get a bit to attached to feeling good constantly. This phase also passes as you learn that self-compassionis not about trying to eradicate pain or negative experiences but instead embracing them and giving them "space to transform on their own".
(see further Neff, 2011, 131)


[For further information see book by Kirstin Neff - 'Self Compassion - stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind' (2011) info above is in particular from Chapter 2 'Ending the Madness' and Chapter 6 'Emotional Resilience']

Thanks for the link, so far it looks very informative. I'll be sure to check it out! I have this problem as well.

Talkstocats, you just helped me So big time. Thank you. I think it is very logical to linking treating oneself well to the very thing you yourself treat well; your pets. It makes a lot of sense, it can act as a directive to trigger pathways that lead in forging strong habitual practices. Definitely great wisdom in that. Any sort of triggers like that, however "odd" or as you say "weird" they are, they help. It is ultimately a trigger; so there is no weirdness in that at all, it is simply another mechanism, just as you describe the defense mechanisms.

Talkstocats, yesterday I totally by chance, when I went downstairs to bring the strays breakfast, bought myself a small yummy breakfast too, then came back up and found your post. Funny coincidence. I think it can help if I try to extend to myself the understanding that I extend to the cats. I'll certainly try it. Translate about myself like I do about them, eg.

"He's being mean to that cat" ---> "Poor thing, he's hot, tired and cranky. I'll turn on the A/C and lie down with him in my bed until he calms down enough to fall asleep".
"You're being mean to that cat!" ---> "Come with me, baby, I'll turn on the A/C and we'll lie together in my bed to rest in the cool, ok?"

"She ate like a pig, now she's vomiting on the sidewalk" ---> "My poor baby, food is her only connection to human comforting, all she knows about a mummy is her feeders. I'll try to find ways to reach out to her that are not food; talking to her, slow-blinking at her, and little by little I'll try to train her to accept a little petting."

I think I must buy that book, your comments sound very good. Thank you so much for taking the time to share with us your findings!