My Mother, again

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I've cut my mother off before for a while but always end up having her back in my life. Right now I'm so mad that I am hoping I can hold up and keep her out of my life from now on.

As many of you know, my mother is Borderline. This has caused lots of problems for me all my life, and it's worse now that she's old. Right now, I'm her target person. She's into causing drama and problems so that she can eitther step in and be the hero, or play herself up to her friends as a martyr.

A month ago she sent me to the grocery store with her debit card. She said she had $24 in the bank (she called them while I was sitting there) and that she would split that amount with me. That meant I could spend $12. I went first and got me a pack of cigaretttes and a coke. $5. Came back and brought her the receipt and went back home to do some housework and see what I needed from the store for later. When I went back over, I told her I wouldn't spend more than $7. She told me no, she had $44 in there. I argued and told her that she said $24 at first, and she showed me that she wrote down $44 when she called them. Well, ok maybe she just said $24. So I go back to the store and spent close to $20, like she told me I could.

No problems.

The other day she jumps on me and starts yelling at me because she said I stole all her money. That she told me she had $44 and I not only spent $20 I went back and got $20 in cash out. Well, no I didn't. She said she called the bank and verified it. At first I thought she was somehow mistaken and misremembering it, and reminded her of me telling her that she said $24. No, she said $44 and I "got it all!" I had brought her the freaking receipts and showed her what I spent that day! So, I just left and came home.

I went over there over the weekend to do some laundry (washer died here) and didn't speak to her. I took a kid with me every time so there wouldn't be any hassle and I couldn't be accused of anything. She puts on this nicey nice voice and fake politeness around them, which for the most part, they buy into. The last time I went over there I was alone, and just ran in and got my laundry. She asked why I was in such a hurry and I told her that I don't appreciate being accused of stealing. She started screaming at me, calling me names, yelling GET OUT OR ILL CALL THE POLICE! etc. I was already walking out the door when she did that. The next day my husband went over there to do laundry and she told him that she didn't want me back over there again ever. Because of my "attitude".

Well, that pissed me off so my youngest daughter and I went over. I asked her if she said that and she said "Why, did he say I said that?" I said "Did you say that?" she said "Yes I did, because I don't like your attitude" I told her "Can you expect me to be happy when you accuse me of stealing from you?" and right in front of my daughter, who btw had heard her accuse me of stealing the money she said "I didn't accuse you of anything, that's all in your mind!"

I had asked her to show me the bank statement where I supposedly did this and she freaked out and waved her cane at me lol. She's a nut! Tonight when my daughter went over there to get something she left she told her "I didn't accuse your mama of anything, she's just trying to start something" and my daughter just looked at her and said "Really Nana, REALLY??????" and left.

I can't take any more of her crap. She's already threatened me with "you'll get yours!" and I know she's keeping the s**t stirred up between my oldest son and me and the rest of the family. She's the only one he talks to. I've caught her saying things before, which she denies. I'm sure she's about to start up more of her BS lies, but this time everybody who lives here is finally aware that I've been telling the truth about her and that she's not just old and losing it, she's never had it to begin with.

I'm so, so tempted to do something. She hasn't filed her income tax since 1996. If I tell the IRS that, she will be in a world of hurt. However, that could be really petty of me to do. But, if she starts up one more thing or tries to spread one more lie about me, I'm so gonna do it. Or I might possibly talk to her doctor and put her in a nursing home. That'll really show her. The thing is, she treats me like this, then needs me for some health reason or other and I pretty much go do what I'm supposed to do, because it's the right thing to do. Next time she needs me I'll ask her if she needs an ambulance, and if she does I'll call one for her, or I'll call her nurse to come, but I'm not coming.

I wish I had the willpower to stick to this decision. She's a horrible old harpie, crazier than a shithouse rat, and she's messed up my life enough as it is. I've never done one bad thing to her, and yet she treats me like s**t. I love her, of course, but I do not like her one bit.

have you tried to establish solid boundaries with her?
http://serenityonlinetherapy.com/healthyboundaries.htm

i tried to do that with my mom, but i did it incorrectly - i didn't communicate the boundary to her so it was ineffective.

anyway, (((hugs))) and i hope things go better between you two.

My mother won't respect any boundries. She uses me for whatever purpose she wants. When I was little, she played up allergies that I had, that she made worse by keeping me inside a house 24/7 where people were chainsmoking, so I was in the hospital with respiratory infections about three months out of the year and played up me being "sick" so she could get attention, then when I got older and left home she decided to play up me being "bad" and when I divorced my first husband and was upset over it she tried to put me in the mental hospital because I cried for a few days.

It's all about her. When her friend tried to get custody of her own grandkids, my mother after testifying at the trial for her, wanted that drama herself and tried that with me, because my husband had a nervous breakdown after his dad died. he decided to make me "crazy" in other people's eyes.

She's very good at what she does. She seems rational, believable, and she knows how to manipulate people. One time when I woke up at her house, early in the morning while my husband and I and the kids were staying with her, and heard her saying horrible things about me on the phone to her friend and said "you never said that to me, if there's a problem tell me and I'll fix it" she attacked me, slammed a chair down on my foot, then got me in a choke hold around the neck. My choices were do something that would hurt her or bite the arm that she's got shoved around my mouth so I can't breath, so I opted for the least damaging one. She called the cops, told them I attacked her and put me in jail. She's believable, I'm not.

If it's possible to hate somebody that you love, then I freaking hate her.

Boy this relationship sounds 100% unhealthy. I can't picture one good thing in it anywhere from what you said. It's twisted, sick, manipulative, abusive and downright dangerous!

Frankly, I can't see any reason to keep in contact with her. You may just have to have a family meeting on your side and discuss with your kids the terms of disassociating with "nana". She'll pull out all the stops to manipulate everyone she can, so the whole fam-damily should probably be made aware the basic premise that you're distancing yourself to protect yourself (I wouldn't go any further than that.)

This much fighting over a pathetic $20 bill mean you can't possibly be humouring her just for an inheritance!

So far I'm having a hard time seeing any negatives at all from the separation... other than the initial drama she'll cause from it. But you'll have to stick to it for good... after a few months she'll try to suck up and possibly even apologize... it's only yet another manipulating tactic.

Wouldn't there be signs of choking on your neck? Did the police see that or was it not visible?
Yeah somehow people like that can make up any old sh** and be convincing.
Saying it is the easy part, actually meaning it is the hard part as you already know...
She won't accept her disorder and get help for it, no matter how hard you try...

after all that i would definately stay away from her, no matter how much you love her. what she does is no way to behave and if she actually has borderline disorder and has been like this since you were little she will not change, no matter how often you try to sort things out and get along with her. shes obviously not able to get along with you, so save yourself the drama and just dont visit her anymore. i wouldnt try to get my revenge on her with the taxes or something like that if i were you because that would be mean and then shed actually have something to accuse you of, just leave instead. that way she can still make up stories if she wants to but they will get old and less believeable and maybe some people will even understand why you cut contact, and what really matters - you will have done the right thing.

you must be a very patient, nice and caring person to try and find a way to get along with her and help her if she needs you over and over again while she treats you like that and even calls the police. you really dont have to feel bad for cutting her out of your life, you have been selfless long enough to actually take that crap and leaving is the most reasonable thing to do. if she tells other people how "heartless you are to ignore your own mother who needs your help", which is most likely going to happen, then you cant prevent that, but youll know the truth. if she needs help she should find someone she can treat with respect and get help from them. fullstop.

[i know that situation all too well. it took me a very long time to understand what was going on and why the person was behaving like that. i cant even differentiate between normal social behavior and someone behaving completely crazy (because i wouldnt know what normal social behavior looks like) and i also felt extremely guilty when that person accused me of being such a horrible person because i usually dont realise it when i accidently hurt someone by being too blunt or ignorant or whatever unless it is pointed out to me explicitly and so i believed it. that person was also suicidal and manipulated me into thinking that i was responsible for it because i wasnt available all the time (while i was already way out of my comfort zone regarding the frequency of contact and severely stressed because of that), and that if i left that person would get hurt or even die and it would be my fault. i only realised that this person was completely nuts and incredibly unfair and abusive after years and cut contact entirely.]

Distance will also mean not using her appliances or taking ANY money from her, offered or not.

Oh, I'm staying away. My kids aren't and there's no reason for them to if she's not targeting them right now. They see how she is now and if they choose to see her, that's up to them. They go wash their clothes there, and my daughter drives her where she needs to go, etc. I'm having nothing to do with her though.

Right now she's sucking up to my kids, getting them over there a lot, knowing that they need her shower and washing machine so she can hold that over me. No, she really can't because I can take a cold shower and I know how to wash my own stuff without a washing machine. I have an old wash board and know how to use it. She will need me before long and I won't be there for her.

No offense, but that's NOT separation. You two are still shackled together and the setup you have going right now won't last long... She'll be using your kids as pawns while your family uses her for her shower and appliances.

Ugly mess... just ugly.

My mother lives across the main road from me. I'm not forcing my kids to stay away from her. I don't take them over there, they are certainly old enough to make their own decisions, and my seperating myself from her does in no way mean that I force them to.

I said I was seperating myself from my mother, not that I was going to be some sort of tyrant and tell my kids they can't go over there if they choose to. What they choose to do and what I choose to do are two different things, and whether you agree with the definition or not, it's still seperating me from my mother.

What do you suggest? Us selling our house and moving out of state and forcing the kids to come with us? LOL!

I am having nothing more to do with her. That was my point. My kids here are 16, 17 and 18. They are certainly old enough to make their own decisions and to have enough sense to know when to ignore her and when to distance themselves from her.

Not sure we're thinking the same thing, but good luck all the same. I'd hate to have such a disturbing psycho right across the street from me. I've had some horrible neighbours, but I never had to see them at family functions! I've had horrible family too and it was bad enough living in the same town where they'd barge into the house unannounced and uninvited... I've had to dive back into the shower a few times when they were just walking right in like they owned the place.

I hope things work out... blecchh!!

My mother can't even walk to the mailbox, let alone come over here. She's stuck in her house. I don't have to worry about her going anywhere.