Feeling really bad. Don't know what to do.

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I don't even know what to write.
I'm not coping.

I've been signed off work for two weeks with "stress" following my overdose but have to go back next week. It's exhausting just trying to stay alive and somehow I'm expected to have the energy to look after my marriage, my home, my job on top of that.

If I told my GP I didn't feel like I could go back I am sure he would sign me off again. Heck, he wants to have me admitted to psychiatric hospital - the psychiatrist disagrees but the only thing she could offer me today was to try to bring forward my psychotherapy referral but I have to be responsible for keeping myself alive until that comes through without anything to help me do this. She told me in June she was going to try to bring forward the referral but I'm still waiting so I don't hold out much hope.

But I have to go back to work next week whether I am ready or not - both for my professional reputation and to keep my home. I know that I have been extremely fortunate that I got full pay for the first 6 months absence but then it gets cut to half pay. With the four months I had off at this time last year and the various times I've had off this year I am now at the stage where they will cut my pay and if they do that we can't afford to pay our mortgage.

But I really think I'm not OK to go back to work. I really think this could properly break me. Honestly, that this might be the thing that kills me. Work has been unbelievably supportive. I am very lucky. I feel like I am letting everyone down by not being able to cope.

I don't know what to say or what to do. I see my GP in the morning but I don't know what to tell him. Thing is I know what would help because it helped before when I was like this ... diazepam. It cleared space in my brain for thoughts other than killing myself to get in and set seed and it also helped me to relax a bit physically which takes away a huge amount of exhaustion. But my psychiatrist had a family member who had a problem with it and I messed up with the responsibility of the pills the last time so they'll never prescribe it. Instead they prefer to hedge their bets that I won't kill myself. I don't even want to tell them that I feel like this because they'll just think I'm being manipulative (I have a tentative dx of Borderline Personality Disorder, which I disagree with) but I'm not. I just don't know how I'm supposed to have the energy to do anything, especially work, when all my energy is focused on keeping myself alive right now.

Honestly I just want the world to stop so that I can get off and for any evidence that I was ever here to be wiped away. I am tired and don't want to be here anymore.

I'm going to go to bed now. It's late. I'll attempt some sleep and maybe things will seem better in the morning.

I don't know what to tell you, except that I wish I could hug you or buy you ice cream or something nice. I hope you know that I want you to be okay.

It's so hard when you feel like that.

Sorry to hear about you situation for me work can provide a distraction that is needed or be an unbearable burden. Focus on getting better then worry about work tell you GP that you are not ready and why take the help if you need it. In most cases its far worse to crack after just getting back than to be gone longer. Good luck and get well.