Disputes with my mom

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Hey,

My name is Troy, I have mild Asperger's syndrome and mild social anxiety. That's as much as I know on that end, we never fully completed my help at the mental health facility I went to for these things. For all I know I've only completed like.. 2/3 of the required stuff or something. Anyway, I had asked my mom if I could go get re-evaluated, I believe I might have something worse or something they missed as it didn't feel thorough. I merely got a psych evaluation I never went through therapy before the evaluation or anything. This was a couple day evaluation.

I believe I might have depression, rage issues, sometimes it feels like I might not even be fully an aspie. Alot of things add up but I would like a professionals help. Anyway, I asked my mom if she would help me and she offered her opinions as a final word against what I thought. Her sister is in a home with manic depressive schizophrenia and doesn't want me to end up the same way. She believes I make things up and that i'm just not trying hard enough etc.

I think she's gone, I've told her my views as it doesn't matter how fakely charismatic at a resume dropping etc. I'll still be denied etc. I can't seem to get a job no matter how much I try and I've had instances where possible employers have treated me oddly and I would just like to hear why, why I can't feel normal, do things normally, is there training available for things like this. Where I can get help if possible, If all these things are possible without taking mind affecting drugs that turn me into a zombie etc.

Well, after explaining both of our opinions my mom and I fought as we usually do when we talk about me. Shes made me so angry my arms, head, face, and eyes are numb, I feel hot, feel like i'm going to puke and faint at the same time or punch through a wall. As i'm typing this i'm calming down but still shakey. I don't know what to do, she's in the mind set of (Well, if you want it, let me know if you need a ride..) Meaning.. she's good to do it as long as I plan every single step, schedule everything on my own, figure out who to talk to etc. all from my computer and if I forget a step she will simply turn around and be willing to forget about it all because that's easier for her.

she's done this in the past and upset me greatly. She doesn't try very hard when it comes to me, she'll only do things that are convienent for her.. For instance, I couldn't continue treatment at my mental health facilities because it was inconvienient for her to drive me there for therapy, cognitive beahvioral training etc. I forget the rest of the things they wanted me to do.

I'm partially writing this to ask what the heck I do? I'm completely dependant on this woman and she's under the impression that I can just walk outside, talk to people, magically find out locations to jobs that are hiring people exactly like me and get everything I need just by walking around. But the world doesn't work like that anymore and people are put off by me, much less I avoid them like the plague.

The other reason i'm writing this is i'm wondering how I handle my mom, she feels almost toxic to me but I have no choices, She's kicked me out before to where i've been homeless etc. I've tried living with other people and been taken advantage of and almost got my identity stolen among other things.

I feel as if she were to push me I would end up killing her. I wish I could get rid of all this stuff.

"Meaning.. she's good to do it as long as I plan every single step, schedule everything on my own, figure out who to talk to etc. all from my computer and if I forget a step she will simply turn around and be willing to forget about it all because that's easier for her. "

I was in a similar position two years back, and decided enough was enough and went for it. The big assurance I can give you that once you make the first step, you'll come into a world where people will help -you- out. And to be blunt at the end of the day you do have to learn those kinds of things for yourself and it's something a lot of aspi's have to learn so the people you'll be talking to will help you out because they understand your situation. I still get called an hour before I have an appointment with someone for example because it's a small thing for them (stupid NTs and their "easy way of going about things") and a huge confidence booster knowing you won't forget things.

As kids get older, parents rightfully expect them to take on more personal responsibility for themselves unless there is a valid reason that they can't do it. You said you haven't really gotten a dx or anything, and so she probably isn't taking that into consideration, especially if her sister has severe problems and is institutionalized. She may be judging the severity of your issues based on those of her sister, sort of like if her sister were paralyzed and you only had a sprained ankle.

I would just tell her that I am having a very hard time right now and ask her to make an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist for you. Not a LBSW or something, you want someone who can look at all your issues and find the best help for you. If she won't do it, then you are going to have to find someone to see if you want to be seen. The best way is to call around to psych practices and find who takes your insurance then make an appointment. If you don't have insurance then calling your county mental health association or even United Way Information and Referral would be the best bet to get the name of someone who can see you.

My older daughter is 19 in two weeks and even though she is very popular and comfortable with people her own age, when it came to talking to adults she was very shy. She couldn't even call the school and ask them to get her work when she was absent. Calling a doctor's office was out of the question. After she turned 18 I started making her make some of her own phone calls, the easier ones first. She also sees the doctor alone now too. There are some things she still asks me to do for her, and needs me with her for, and calls she just won't make herself, but for the most part she's found that it's not as bad as she thought. She's NT, so transitioning from telling a parent what you need and them setting it up, to you finding what you need and setting it up, is hard for everyone. Just take it slowly one step at a time and don't think past that step.

If she can't take you to the appointment, do you have a car or can borrow hers and drive yourself, or take a bus or get a ride from a friend? There is usually a way around things and to get them to work, but it just takes effort sometimes. If you are depressed like you said you think you were, it's a lot harder to do this, but it's possible. I have pretty bad depression myself, and when I'm depressed and without meds, things seem impossible. Molehills turn into mountains. Everything is overwhelming and I can see no way to make anything work. If I only worry about each step then it's possible to get it done. If you need antidepressants, once you start them and they kick in, you will feel so much better. I know I do. Also, it's amazing how much easier every day life is with them.

Just take it slow and do it yourself. Tell her when and where you have to be, and work on getting there. It's really worth all the effort and stress of doing it, once you have something that works.

Good advice I appreciate it,

I waited a good two hours, took a walk (eases my anxiety) and talked with my mom. She refuses to take me to get another psych evaluation because she believes that I can do just fine by myself. If I wasn't clear I do actually have written medical documentation stating that I have a mild form of Asperger's syndrome, Social anxiety, and full blown ODD (Opositional defiant disorder). I've kind of given up on the psych evaluation.. I wasn't really sure what I was hoping to gain from getting it again.. I've been on medication before and hated it, had to go through a withdrawl of Sertaline and Hydroxizene because my doctor didn't give me any refills when he went on vacation.. It was horrible.

Guess i'll just keep doing what i'm doing until something works. I have applied so many times in my new area that I lost count and I have not recieved 1 interview, I must have applied more then 30 times this month, that's more then an application a day. I can't believe how bad the economy and my luck is over here despite everyone hiring.. I can't even get a job in fast food.

I've never had to work before because I was always sheltered in the country side, had my computer hardware and I was happy, then family fell apart and now I have to experience all this stuff. I don't know if it puts them off that i'm almost 23 and have never worked but holy cow.. Didn't think it'd be this hard.

Oh, and getting to these places to help me would prove difficult as I have literally no friends, I don't say it as in nobody that hangs around me, I mean seriously, none of my OWN friends. I know people that know my family, but nobody that actually cares to know anything about me much less help me. Also my family lives across the USA up in Wisconsin so they're out of the question. Sucks too, they would definantly help me. I AM however very good at outdoor stuff like hiking, biking, camping etc. I could easily walk/bike/hike etc but would be easier if I had support. I tend to freeze up and go mute at random times with specific types of people.

First, you have a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome.

This is a neurological condition and it is NEVER mild.

It is a presentation of autism and from next May anyone who would currently be diagnosed with AS will be looking at an autism diagnosis as AS will not be being diagnosed as a separate condition (you will not lose your diagnosis, only people getting a diagnosis from May will be affected by this change but it gives you the indication that we are talking about a serious condition, not something that can be ignored or dismissed as just something to get over).

As a neurological condition AS determines how your brain is structured and how it processes the data it receives. It determines how your senses receive the information from your body and from the world around you. This clearly affects the way you think and how you manage certain aspects of life. In some cases you may have advantages over others - in the ability to focus on detail, persevere, etc, you may have heightened senses such as hearing or touch which can make your world a more vivid and interesting place but can also make it overwhelming, you may also have under-developed senses which mean you find it difficult to know where you are in space or that you don't feel your body signals accurately - some people can break bones and not notice, others can't bear the tiniest pin prick. So there are pros and cons to having AS and you need to figure out what those are for you so you can use them or deal with them as necessary.

Most people on the spectrum can learn all they need to manage their lives but there are always areas of difficulty they may need extra support with. Sometimes a place like this is enough, other times they may need professional help. The thing with AS people is that they tend to learn cognitively and use analysis to work out how to manage everything from how feelings and social interactions work to how the universe or a computer slots together. This is not the way most people do things, especially in the social and emotional context and analysis is not the most effective way to learn - this is the area that instinctive and intuitive learning are most important which is why it is the hardest area for AS people to learn to cope with but it can be done and many people do it well, it just takes a lot longer and a bit more effort to get there.

The more information you can gather on yourself and how you work the better understanding you will have of how you react to your environment - social, physical, emotional environments are all affected. Look for your strengths, they tend to be more subtle than your difficulties but they will be there, somewhere. Once you have a reasonable picture of how AS affects you in these realms you can look at how to manage relationships, social settings, interviews, work, etc more effectively.

Talk about AS here, ask as many questions as you can, fill in the gaps in your understanding of yourself and how you work and you may find it easier to start to build strategies without having to rely on your mum or professionals you can't get to.

Self awareness is often the key to success for any person, for a person on the spectrum it is essential

Sweet Pea hugs

Never ever?

Correct in a way. Like with almost everything, it's relative. If there was a whole bunch of people with "much more severe" autistic traits, a whole of the people with "milder" conditions wouldn't be labelled as having "something wrong with them".

That being said, there's times where knowledge growth causes overlap in groups. Someone may have been diagnosed with something 20 years ago because at that time it may have been something they weren't aware of yet, but nowadays would be seen as "within "normal" range". Where do you/we/they draw "the line" is what decides this. And with something like aspergers/autism, "the line", means by average it is "enough to not be mild".

I'm aware that mildness is relative for each individual depending on the severity of their own symptoms. Anyways, shouldn't derail the thread. Sorry, OP.

As a professional I disagree strongly with the idea that any form of autism can be labeled as "mild".

The presentation can appear mild on the outside but the condition is the same - it is not the autism itself that has severity levels but the impact of the autism on an individual's sensory and processing systems that makes the level of impairment more or less disabling. And even at the "mild" end of the presentation, it is never "mild" or it wouldn't be considered a disability.

There are people diagnosed with AS who are shivering wrecks, who can't go out of their homes, who attach themselves to a computer and never disconnect unless someone helps them do it, who live in fear and panic; these are sometimes the same people who just a couple of years before had thought they had a mild condition that didn't impact on their lives too much and who seemed to be coping with work, education, family, etc - they thought they had "overcome" their disability or even been misdiagnosed! Then something went wrong, something knocked them sideways, and they found their condition isn't mild any more but as severe as that of someone with an autism diagnosis.

Do not ever under-estimate the power of AS to bring a person to their knees; just because a person doesn't seem to have too many problems on the surface right now it doesn't mean the problems are not there.

As a professional aspergic I must respectfully disagree to the strongest degree. I am one of those "mild" AS people and I have no known disability. No sensory issues, no meltdowns, no stimming, no obsessive interest in a narrow topic, no fine motor skills issues (apart from my handwriting, it's terrible but them I'm left handed) or any other problems associated with AS. I live my life as an NT and do as well as other NT's out there. The only down side is I may be a bit socially clumsy, which isn't necessarily a bad thing or a disability, it's generally perceived as part of my happy-go-lucky personality and people respond to it quite well.

I know this is a useless post in relation to what the OP said but I felt the need to point it out. There are people who believe autism/AS is very severve and you must be crippled by disability and there are those who believe its mild enough to the point of doubting its existence other than an excuse for wrongful behaviour. People need to realize it's a spectrum disorder and people fall all over the spectrum.