Feels like I'm waiting on a bloody death sentance.

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Only a couple days now till that appointment I scheduled to address all these freaking mental issues that wont leave me alone. Trying to be 'relieved' I mean even my sister thinks it's a good thing so I can get help with these issues but I am still pretty worried about it. I've mentioned to my friend I'm afraid of being committed to a psych ward.....he said he doesn't think they will but he's been to one so he said it wasn't that bad.

Trouble is I've been in so much pain I actually am pretty worried about what I might resort to and such, so I am probably going to be honest about that. Not sure if they will take it as I am right to be concerned but that anything to extreme can be avoided with less intense treatment or whatever or if I'm an immediate danger to myself....because honestly I don't even know how to specify because I don't really know. Last couple times I drank I over-did it(I actually got kinda beat up physically to from having bad coordination from the alcohol and tripping and bumping into things). I've bumped my head against the wall out of anger/frustration/self loathing twice in the last week and I've certainly been having suicidal thoughts(just haven't been acting on them but it takes a lot of effort to keep from dwelling on it too much). And to think even a few months ago I was afraid I wouldn't be able to express things well enough for them to understand its not just a case of mild depression or something now I am afraid of not being able to turn back when I say too much and they get 'concerned'.

Even the other day my mom said I was making no sense and seemed way too stressed out....uhh why do I have to be the mental one of the family, I am like the only one who cannot function because of my mental state........not the only one with mental issues but they are all still functional. Even my sister gets bad anxiety but she is still able to keep it under control and still get through her day at work and such...but yeah she understands how feeling that way pretty much all the time could be pretty disabling...maybe one of her benefits is she gets frusterated/angry more openly which gives her a little bit of a push to fight back a bit more I tend to kinda bottle things up till its too much to take anymore.

oh, sweetleaf, so sorry you are feeling so bad. i hope the help you get suits you well.

I hope so as well....just feels like such a 50/50 gamble, is it a bad psychiatrist or a good psychiatrist I will be talking to is what I keep thinking. I suppose any help that keeps me around long enough to potentially not feel as terrible is better than nothing...just hope I don't get all overwhelmed and freak out at the appointment if I feel uncomfortable or something. In the back of my mind I keep thinking 'don't go to the appointment...find any reason not to go bla bla bla' but it has to be done so I can't listen to that irrationality but it can certainly interfere when I am at the appointment by being all anxious about what to say though I already made up my mind to be honest and not downplay anything just to make it seem less severe like I've done every time in the past.

GO. Whatever you do afterwards is up to you, but GO. And be honest when you're there. It saves time later. Nobody wins if you try and suppress your feelings, although I think to do so, or at least want to do so, is pretty normal. But trust me, things get fixed a lot more easily and a lot quicker if you start out blunt and honest. That's the way to win.

Also, I know what it's like to be the 'mental' one in the family, and it's not all bad. I look at some of my relatives, and I can honestly say that I would rather be me than them, and I've been in and out (hopefully now permanently out) of mental health departments of hospitals, tried to run away from home, self harmed, taken drugs (prescribed and um... otherwise...) and done a hell of a lot of things I'm not proud of, and I only turned fourteen last month. But, even though my relatives have pretty uneventful and normal lives, I wouldn't swap. The way my mind works is really to good to waste. I just need to learn to control it. 'Mental issues' leave you alone (although it may take time), and you're left with who you actually are, which is almost always someone awesome. Don't take the path I did. I hid how I felt and what I was going through, to try and look more 'normal' and 'healthier', but I just made myself worse. Things could have been a lot simpler for me and my family, but I was selfish and stupid. Life may be difficult, but all the best things are, and if something isn't worth fighting for, it isn't worth having. I do not apologise for the cliche. Or my English spelling of the word 'apologise'.

Once you get home from the appointment I hope there is some hope and a plan maybe; for your well being. You've got time to heal and get better. And you have quite a "spark" that comes across even through the internet. I have a positive feeling about it.

Damn it I should have known...now i don't even know if its a psych evaluation or not, thought it was........thought I could finally get it over with. I was under the impression it was with the regular doctor and psychologist, well I called to see exactly what time it was and they only mentioned it was with the one. WTF.......uhh either way at least its an appointment I guess maybe they just didn't mention both. I guess I'll find out I just don't see why these things have to be so complicated.

I am sorry to hear about how bad you are feeling. I have been to that point several times where the depression is so bad that it is physically painful so I understand how you feel. All I can say is that you need to go to that appointment and hear what they have to say. Even if they want to put you in a hospital for a short time, do it. It's not like they will put you there for the rest of your life. Most likely, you will be there for a week or two max (more likely 2-3 days) while they get you on the right medication for your needs. It's better than suicide as it actually gives you hope and a chance at a future. Remember too that anxiety and depression often go hand in hand, so getting help for the one will help with the other. You are NOT alone in this. I would venture to guess that every person who posts here has dealt with this sort of issue at some time in their life. Some, like me, have had lifelong issues because we have not sought professional help. Given the opportunity to do so today, I would seek help and even consider hospitalization if it would help. Not doing so means you will suffer a fate far worse than if you did since your life will likely go nowhere due to these issues.

Probably even worse than my life going nowhere, I'll probably kill myself or at least try to if I don't since that is how horrible I feel I don't even particularly want to but that is how unbearable it is. So yeah I'll go to it for sure and be honest about how I feel...Anxiety or not I have to I suppose.