I just want OUT!!

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The last five years of my life have been awful, really really bad but this year I just feel so so so bad. I've spent more if the year crying than laughing and I am just desperate to be happy again. So much of the year has been really hard but I couldn't explain it all because it is so bad. I feel like there is nothing worth living for, all my dreams have been broken and chewed up and I can really see how pointless my life is. I just want to be happy when I was a kid I was always so happy and confident and I fit in and it was just so great and now I hate it. My mind is even trying to punish me.
I've spent the entire year only barely clinging to a special interest I've been terrified trying so hard to pull it back, to make it work but its so cruel that way I get a tiny little flavour and then it would go. I've had three really short interests, interests in weird things, in an old interest which I adored at first but I've already almost lost. It never used to matter, I never use to even notice the short ones but now I feel so bad about them I hate them, I'm so scared and so down all the time I cry so often but no one understands I can't explain to my mum how awfull this feels I'll try explain it to the counsellor I see in two days time, I don't know she'll understand and if she does what exactly is it going to do to help. I feel like everything that I try and do just pulls me back into the endless out of despair. I just do not know what to do, I've been suicidal before I think about it a lot off and on, I just want to be happy again but I can't make it happen any more. I just wish I could be like everyone else. I want to be NORMAL! No one knows the answer, there are no reset buttons- believe me I've looked for years I just need someone who can get me out, I'm so up then so down all of a sudden and its ruining my whole life!!

Normality is relative and subjective. The standards of 'normality' are set by others, to me Neurotypicals are strange not the other way around. It sounds like you are dealing with Severe Depression. It may be a decent idea to keep a journal and write down all your emotions and inner thoughts of despair. That way when you do see your counselor you can just hand them the book and they can see how you feel. I do wish I could be of more assistance, but I do want to let you know that you are not alone - As I and many others have felt the same as you do.

Pixie,

I wish I was better at comforting and helping others with emotional problems but unfortunately I'm not. So as a guy with AS I can only try and give you a different perspective on your problem.

Consider this:

1- You are in your mid to late teens. That is the age when hormones go crazy and they significantly affect emotional control. Girls in particular have it 'harder' since you mature faster than guys and once a month those hormones go from 'crazy' to 'nuclear'. Even non-AS girls your age go through this stage. Some handle it better than others and most manage to hide it in public but go home and cry their eyes out in their rooms all by themselves.

These feeling you have of despair and suicide and could be caused by the hormonal changes in this stage of your life. Have you maybe tried to see if these 'down' feelings come up near your cycle? (you don't need to answer that, just keep it under consideration if it should apply).

2- "I feel like there is nothing worth living for, all my dreams have been broken and chewed up and I can really see how pointless my life is"

You're only 16 and wow you have no idea of the amazing things and opportunities that you will have access to in just 2 years from now. I know what you're going through now, my whole youth felt like that. When I turned 18 everything flipped upside down (for the better because I had the freedom to make my own choices). Right now you are probably feeling trapped because you have very few options to choose from... at 18 that changes completely. It does get a TON better trust me on that one

The changing of interests and anxiety over what to do next or what to look towards to is not an easy thing even for NT's. I understand that what you're going through is a lot more complex than what you can type here. Do speak to you counselor at length and if there should be anyone in these forums that you are comfortable speaking with send them a PM..who knows, it might help and it doesn't hurt to try.