I'm not "selfish" or "impatient". I'm an

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I'm always so guilty about asking for things, especially when I need them. I come off as incredibly selfish, especially when I have to nag people. I lack the verbal (linguistic? mental?) agility to check up on the progress of something without sounding like a impatient nag. I have to keep telling myself that when someone doesn't follow through, that reminding them is not a crime. However, I often feel so powerless and hold my own words in so little regard that it hardly works.

When I was really young, I learned from my mother that if something wasn't given soon after I asked, that I wasn't going to get it at all. This applied to everything from clothing to food. None of the people around me know that my mother starved me in this way. I still struggle with feeling like this every day. I feel like people have so much power over me. I need them to follow through or keep showing that they are going to follow through. I'm afraid to trust them because they don't. I'm a human being, and I don't like going without. I already go without my family because they don't bother to follow through on promises to see me... I don't want to lose more.

I was angry yesterday and I wound up deflecting my anger onto something else, because my dad did not carry through with something and it made me anxious. It got blown so way out of proportion, and he wound up guilting me over being impatient and selfish, which I already am so, so, so aware of and shameful about to begin with. It makes me lose a bit of hope.

Neurotypicals, or at least the ones I know, rarely think things through all the way down to the root. Instead, they focus on what you are deflecting those pent up emotions on, instead of the real problem (that he's not carrying through, and I'm losing hope that he's going to at all). It's like going round and round on a ferris wheel, or chasing our tails. Nothing is ever really solved.

I don't know, I wish I could explain this to people, but I know they wouldn't understand. These are the same people, after all, who dropped my schedule after I came out of a residential treatment program because it did not suit them. So the best I can do is this, I suppose, and try and endure.

Edit: Title was cut off. It's "I'm not impatient or selfish, I'm anxious".

I don't know if this will help, but yes people in general are minimalists when it comes to what they will do or how much they will do for others. People who will go out of their way for you are definately in the minority.

With NTs they assume you will just look after yourself like they do, without any handicaps. They understand the words Aspergers, Autistic, etc. But it doesn't really have any real meaning to them, not knowing what its like.

I can understand therefore how you try to monitor the situation and make sure everything is getting done, and how not knowing makes you anxious. In a way you are being your own best advocate and I think its a good thing. Perhaps you can make improvements to the overall situation by thinking of ways to make your involvement less stressful on the others. Not so much what you do, but how you do it, to make it more palatable to them.

Sweet Pea hugs

I get the same feeling that I am nagging people, they say they don't hate me for it but I don't see why they shouldnt't. Then I am to caught up in sh*t to move one I never can. I feel like I am even losing friends/close family just because I am not strong enough to beat it on my own.