my tired brain

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i don't know how to bridge my neurology with the world. the world is loud, ceaseless and indeterminably crazed and i can only stand so much of it before my brain shuts down. i want to live in the world, but i find it unbearable. i don't know if this experience is relatively common - but i often feel so mentally overloaded by the things i'm expected to do and tolerate as a person (let alone an adult) that i'm rendered inoperative. it's like my brain overloads and short-circuits under the (basic) demands and stresses we call life. it's a truly horrible feeling. it feels like a pressure is building inside your skull and your head might explode - if there is even one more bit of incoming data.

 it's also difficult because i know the world doesn't look at me and see a person with autism: they see a relatively normal looking, if eccentric underachiever who could do (insert list of things people are expected to do) if she tried. the problem isn't necessarily their opinion of me, but the fact that i listen to these opinions and start believing theres nothing wrong with me beyond extreme laziness. and then i start expecting things of myself that i just can't do because i'm operating under the assumption that i have no limitations. and then i suffer a complete collapse which ends in me looking very much affected by autism. it's a destructive cycle, that, like many cyclic things, takes me absolutely nowhere. and yet i go through this cycle at least once a year if not more.

i don't particularly care if i marry, have children, or spend the rest of my life being classified as "the resident oddball and social misfit". i just want some semblance of stability, independent living, my degree - and eventually a job doing something that doesn't throw me into an existential crisis. i struggle so much with everything i wonder if i'll ever get there. every time i start making any progress, i feel like i'm on the verge of a neurological short-circuit and need to take a break from the world. i'm doing everything i can to get to where i want to be but feel very discouraged tonight. especially being surrounded by people in my day-to-day life who seem to handle everything i struggle with, with such ease and finesse. i sometimes catch myself feeling envious of these people. i wouldn't want to change my identity for any of theirs but i could certain stand less of my own struggles.

this is mostly posted because i simply need to get this off my shoulders..
but does anyone have similar feelings? if so, how have you dealt with them, if you have?

I had the same problem. Not as bad - I didn't shut down - but life was a constant struggle and none of my grand plans got anywhere. I never used my degree (in marketing), or my post grad qualification (as a physics teacher). My only obvious success is three children of whom I am immensely proud. They are succeeding where I failed. But everything else - education, marriage, career, etc., ended up as a mistake. It was hard for me to accept, because I'm reasonably capable in most areas: I find academic work easy, I'm a fairly good artist, I've run my own business, written a history book (which actually sold enough to cover its costs), I've programmed games, I enjoy intellectually demanding topics, I can DO stuff...

...except that I can't.

Sooner or later every activity requires social interaction plus multiple issues at once, and then I hit a brick wall. Being diagnosed with AS as an adult finally explained it. But the hardest part was the instability. I never earned what I needed to, I never fit in, I could never relax, I never had a future, I was always the proverbial rabbit in the headlights.

All I ever wanted was stability. That part of your post really resonates with me. Well all of your post resonates really.

Finally, about 9 months ago, I accepted that I would never be a millionaire. Money and I do not mix. And I don't even want money. I was only struggling to work because of my children: I hated not being able to provide for them (luckily my ex did most of that). I gave them time and respect, but that was all I had to give. Now they are all at or approaching university, so the pressure is off. They are on their way to well paying jobs, and my son in particular is everything I am not: sociable, popular, breezing from one triumph to the next. So now I can stop the desperate scramble on the greasy pole. 8 months ago I got a job stacking shelves. I am finally, for the first time in my life, at peace. The people at work are good people, the job is stress free, I do it well, people like me, and I can see a future at last. It's not the future I wanted, but it is a future and could be a lot worse. Best of all, it gives me plenty of time for my studies. Every day I turn my brain off and stack shelves for a few hours. Then I come back home and study economics and philosophy, and create art.

I find it helps to think of the great philosophers and religious leaders of the past. People like Diogenes and Buddha and Jesus. They renounced wealth. They discovered a better way. Although I stack shelves, I have no debts and no worries (except being alone, but that is my only sadness). I eat well (I get a discount at the supermarket and live off the reduced sell-by-date food), and I have the most valuable thing of all, time.

For the last few years (since the divorce) I've lived with my parents, but now I have my own place for the first time in my life. True, when married we had a house, but I never wanted the house and car and career and holidays lifestyle. It was just an endless strain, a complicated overwhelming struggle. But now at last I am in a place of my choosing. It is my haven of simplicity. A room, a bed, a shower, a computer, and not much else. I only wish it was even smaller. It's like a zen garden, except with books lying around. I walk home from work each day, have a shower, and then escape into the life of the mind.

It probably also helps that I live in Europe (actually Scotland). The welfare state is good to me. I have a nice little bedsit and never have to worry about health costs. I am sorry if you are not so lucky. But the main point of this is downsizing. By rejecting any hope of money I have found real wealth. I still hope to meet somebody. Having no money makes it harder (and I live in remote area), but if money is what people want then I would rather be single.

Thanks for posting. You write well.