It's hard for me to tell anymore.

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It has become extremely hard for me to tell, whether or not I've been damned to a personal hell. It is very difficult for me to even formulate a cohesive string of thoughts at this instance. I've been fighting Depression since I was Eleven years old. It is not an easy task, nor is it one that I derive pleasure for. Nor would I presume anyone -would- derive pleasure from it. Usually I get by, I can only exist on the best terms possible. Recently it has been worse than ever before, the Depression that is. Recently my girlfriend of 7-8 months left me because she felt that I deserved "Better", that her Autism would prevent her from being the type of partner I need. I do not understand her rationale. We remain close friends. But it still hurts. She calls me her Soul mate, yet she would not enter a relationship again. I know it's cliche to say, "She was perfect for me", so I won't say that. But our interest and our Aspie obsessions were exactly the same.

I've never had a wide plethora of friends. Especially none in real life - All of my friends were on the internet, though I have met several in real life. So losing this person, romantically, was a major blow to take. And it seems as if things went downhill from there. To cope. I turned to drugs. Nothing like heroin. But rather I did Triple C's. I tried to overdose on the Triple C's after having a few sessions of abuse. Three boxes worth, which should have been enough. I can barely even remember that night, but my Grandmother found me and took me to the hospital. She never knew I had done drugs, so it was a shock to her and I'm constantly reminded of how I've "greatly disappointed" her. She has GAD and OCD and she takes out her frustrations on me half the time. I had my stomach pumped, luckily the drugs numbed the pain otherwise having a tube shoved up my nose would have hurt.

Ever since the overdose. My Grandmother has locked up all medication. I can not even take an Ibuprofen without consulting her. She's one of those people who believes you can get high off everything, or that I could kill myself with just a few pills. This has caused problems when going out in public. I had been given Xanax for the social anxiety which stems from my AS, but considering they're locked in a chest. I never get to use them in public anymore. No. I wouldn't abuse Xanax either. It doesn't get me high, it just relaxes me. After the failed suicide attempt and the clamping down of security in the home. I became more and more angry. The prescription drugs I had been given exasperated this profusely.

During my Triple C binge. Two of my close friends ceased to be so. Saying that I "Wasn't the same person anymore" and that someone with "The potential to do great things." had "Selfishly" chosen to become a "Drug addled loser". Those two had been my friends were around three years, so that hurt a lot. After they pretty much ditched me, or resigned themselves to just mocking me every turn. I lashed out against one and caused him to hate me as opposed to simply disliking my choices. Their rationale for abandoning my is, "You're not really out friend. Cause if you were you'd stop doing drugs and get over your depression." I tried to off myself again, albeit this time hanging myself. I didn't use a strong enough material for the "rope" and ended up falling to the ground after flopping around like a fish in the air for a good 5 minutes.

Eventually my therapist was made aware of my irritability and I was presented three choices. Voluntary stay in a mental hospital, involuntary stay, or a group home. The therapist claimed if I "didn't make progress" in therapy that she would have, "No choice but to write the magistrate and have you placed in a group home." Now, I don't know if she was trying to motivate me. But it caused me to panic and leave her office. The cops were called. They tried to mess with me, asking if I was "mentally ret*d" because I have AS. And demanding that I look them in the eyes while speaking and not to mumble. I always have a monotone drone like voice. I was forced to ride with one to the hospital.

The stay wasn't terrible. But it was boring and having my typical routine at home being wrecked irritated me. But no matter. I come home. I find that my only three remaining friends (Other than the girl) had grown cold. They won't speak to me when I message them. One I was forced to block on Facebook because he'd curse me out and accuse me of "Faking" my suicide attempts for "attention" and that if I "Really wanted to die I'd just buy a gun and shoot myself." The other two just... won't talk to me. One is like Master Shake from Aqua Teen, so he's not really... one to acquire emotional support from. Ever. The other said he, "Doesn't know what to believe" pertaining to my suicide attempts. I didn't even tell them about the attempts, my Grandmother did. I wouldn't /tell/ someone that can easily contact someone close to me to stop me.

I found out today I was rejected for SSI. So no income. My sensory issues prevent me from working in a fast food establish, which is... the only type of work in my town currently. Even 30 and 40 year old Mothers and Fathers are working at Burger King because there is nothing else around here anymore. My Grandparents are not in good health, in fact it's likely they'll be dead in the next ten years. They're the only family members I'm close to. Since my Mother and I have a poor relationship, my siblings believe I hate them and they don't understand Asperger's. So the prospect of the future is to be broke, lose my family and have no friends. I would love to have friends where I live. But I have nowhere to go /to/ make friends. There is an intensity inside myself that is difficult to even describe, but it's an unpleasant intensity. I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like sleeping. I've been on almost every Anti-Depressant under the sun in the past eight years. I would wish that things had been different, but that would be pointless. Ultimately I suppose how things turn out is in my hands. Or some would say. I apologize for the walls of text, but I wanted to get this stuff off my mind.

I have so much I want to say, but my computer is down and replying to all the necessary points on my phone would take more time than I have.

Firstly…

I don't care WHAT it takes, you need to try and get back with your GF. It's obvious you need the emotional support. Hell, for all we know she could've broken up with you because she's going through something similar. From what I can tell it seems like she's having difficulties, which is leading to her own low self esteem - while being ignorant of your own situation. It's obvious this is when you need each other the most.

If you EVER feel unable to describe your feelings, just show them this. This is most likely the closest we're going to get - the closest way to be understood bt the rampant NTs who don't understand much of anything really
( Sounds like their attempts at anti-suicude are starting to have the opposite effect).

Along with your GF, make certain you've confronted and solved whatever provoked the first attempt in the first place.

I have tried everything. I'm aware that it stems from her own lack of self esteem. I told her I could make do with the possibility of us never having any physical contact, or having to slowly work on testing the water because of our sensory issues. The only other girlfriend I've ever had was raped and molested. She couldn't be touched either. Her reply was, "You may not care. But I do. I'm sick." She also wants me to, well, reach a state where I /don't/ have to rely on her, or anyone else for emotional support. She wants me to be able to cope on my own and become a stronger person. I presume she has the best of intentions, but...

Wow, this is really powerful, and sort of reminds me of the situation I have been in. I, too, was involuntarily hospitalized when my SI got too bad, and it was one of the most intense experiences of my life. I self-medicated my anxiety and depression with SI for a long time, and once they got me on medication, none of it worked. When I am depressed, I tend to withdraw from everyone and let all my relationships crash and burn. Frankly, I agree with Zodai--your girlfriend seems to mean so much to you, and you probably both need each other's support right now. Heck, if she is the only one you feel you can really talk to, then don't be ashamed to tell her this! Write her a letter, or just send her what you have written. People can only judge you from what they see on the outside, which means that she may not know that you are truly having this much trouble if you do not make it known.
Off topic, but maybe try and get some sleep, as well? Even counting techniques to get you to sleep can work, because your body really needs that time to recuperate. I hope this is helpful, and good luck! It is really brave of you to let that all out!

I am sorry to hear that you went through the same thing. It seems that most hospital stays are either extremely chaotic and jarring (I've had these types of stays before) or otherwise terribly boring and tedious. It seems as if self-medicating is extremely common. Which wouldn't be an issue if the treatments for depression were effective for everyone, but that may be asking for too much from the medical community. She does mean a lot to me, but I've explained to her she's the only person I feel I could talk to. Her reply is usually, "You're still my closest friend. I'm still here." and she is right, she is still there and I am thankful for that. I still talk to her, but at the moment I can't help but long for more. The desire lingers.

I managed to sleep for a few hours last night. Around four hours. But that's good for me. My Doctors keep bouncing back between, "Is it Severe Depression? Or is it Bipolar type 2?". I've never had manic episodes. But there are states where I have energy and compulsions to do really, really out of character things. I just have too many thoughts racing through my mind at night and there isn't an off switch. I wish there was though. I appreciate your kind words and I hope all goes well for you too!

You could probably appeal the SSI rejection I am pretty sure, last time I applied I didn't so I've had to apply again since its been too long since the last time. Sorry I don't have much hopeful crap to say, but I am doing pretty terribly myself mentally so yeah, but I can sort of understand how you feel I've had depression for quite some time and I also have other mental health issues. It can be very frusterating when people especially the ones like friends and family that are supposed to care just brush it off or worse accuse you of being able to just 'get over it' and refusing to do so or doing it for attention or whatever.

I mean honestly whenever I get 'attention' for things related to my bad mental health I just wish I didn't exist so I didn't cause problems for anyone else. Anyways I'd appeal the SSI denial if i were you, its not uncommon to be denied the first time even if you have good reason.

I may be way off-base, but if you can't get your mind off this, maybe you should try some type of activity or volunteer work? Doing something involved usually helps me...I find I can't ruminate on my nasty thoughts if I am forced to focus on something else. Diagnoses can always be tricky. My thinking is that it doesn't matter what they tell you is wrong, but what makes you actually feel better and function successfully, which can ironically be the hardest part of all. If you ever want to talk or whatever, just message me! I wish I had some wise and inspired words to give you about your girlfriend-situation, but when it comes to love, words can never mend feelings. If worst comes to worst it will suck for a while, but it always gets better (easier said than felt, eh?).

No, no. No need to apologize. I would prefer someone be honest with me. I hope everything becomes better for you. I know that while we wish we could take these feelings of Depression away, it is not that easy. I often feel like a nuisance as well because of the issues I have. I do not want to have to rely on others, because I want to become stronger - and not be a burden. But I also acknowledge that I can't at this moment and that frustrates me.



I've accepted that she's gone. Acceptance does not wave away any of the hurt though. I am trying to make new friends now and maybe find a girl to have a romantic relationship with on OkCupid. Volunteer work would not be good, because of the sensory issues I have. I am more likely to become more stressed away from my room than anywhere else. I feel safe and I've been a recluse for most of my teenage life. I did meet a girl that seemed to be genuinely interested in me on OkCupid. She was very friendly and had the same interest I did, or we shared similar interest. Things were going well until she said that she and her ex boyfriend may get back together. Now she barely speaks to me. I don't want to date her, but it angers me that I was used as a placeholder. I thank you for the offer and I will keep it in mind.