I hate my life

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I can't deal with this overwhelming sensation of emotional turmoil.
Every interaction I have is awkward. No connection is formed with anyone. I feel so unbelievably isolated. And in order to even try and get anywhere with anybody I have to have make myself portray some sort of sh***y social act.
People make effort with me as well. My friends make effort with me and I can't give anything back because I don't have the ability to. I feel like some sort joke or mockery right now.

I'm sorry if this isn't very coherent. I lost the ability to verbalise my thoughts recently. I just wish I could spend a good while on a psych ward. But I can't because of my university studies and commitments. If I could I'd just turn myself over and involuntary commit myself to attempt to get some sort of plan going to get my life on track. But I can't.

urgh. I wish I wasn't born.

I sort of get the feeling...I was pretty convinced i needed to be put in the psych ward, but last appointment i had when I talked to a psychologist she just re-enforced my fears about how I could ever possibly afford to pay the bill something like that would create. Wants me to try and get a proper Aspergers/Autism assessment before really jumping into the PTSD, Anxiety and Depression so much though she says those are still important...but having aspergers/autism could effect how I react to certain normal treatments for the comorbid disorders.

But yeah I just can't feel like I can take the wait with all this, and I am always afraid of having a total mental breakdown and being involuntarily committed or whatever. But yeah I also feel like I don't have much to offer in return for others efforts to help or at least spend time around me.

Some days and weeks are very hard to get through, it is hard to make sense of things. I just wanted to say me too, sometimes it is not possible to keep all the responsibilities and commitments going. I feel like a failure at these times, but I have to remind myself to be kind to myself and not compare my abilities and strengths to what other people can do or accomplish in a day or a week, etc.

I hope you feel better soon, remember you are worth it.

What abilities do you lack the most? Whats the hardest for you?

Like, whats a specific thing that causes your friends to feel far away?

And Life is s**t at times. I feel for you.

The main thing I lack is the ability to reply adequately to things people say. It's like my mind is completely blank and I can't muster up anything to say at all. So usually somebody will say something to me and I'll just reply monosyllablically or just with a smile. This leads to an unbelievable amount of awkward silences I can tell you that. Making a conversation flow is utterly impossible for me. It is the worst when people try and make jokes and stuff - it takes me a silly amount of time to work out what they meant and to form a reply.

My friends feel far away because I feel no emotional connection to them on any level. I think some of them do with me. But that is because I just sit around asking them questions and people love to talk about themselves. But I don't really get to express myself because I can't. So they feel a bond with me and I don't with them.

Seriously I hate my life.

At least you have friends though, be thankful.

I'm not sure for how much longer. Depends how much of my pervasive awkwardness they can stand. But yes I suppose in that respect I am slightly lucky.

How old are you?

I am 25 and feel I have only just required a modicum of social skills. I know I can learn more but through horrible mistakes, great rejection and bullying, I have managed to gain some self awareness. And meet people. Meet as many as you can. You can learn from watching how others handle social situations.
As a matter of fact, there are no clear rules. Neurotypicals are just much better at lying and putting on a front. They don't know how to behave with everyone they meet either, people's experiences are so different, how can everyone relate? It's just they're better at some kind of universal bullshitting.
It's hard as an Aspie, because we have much less guile.

Give yourself time though. Find your own way of being sociable.

It's hard I know. I read once that autistic people see communicating with other people like communicating with a computer, rather than the normal self/other interaction others have. This really disturbed me because I could see it in myself.
Just practice. And stay away from situations you can't handle when you can I suppose. Asking questions and being really into the other person can also deflect from you, but be careful not to sound like you're interviewing them (I saw a male Aspie doing this once and it was a bit ridiculous- keep it casual).