I'm at my limit.

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I just want to destroy everything in my apartment and go up to some random as*hole one the street who's smiling and punch him.
Its taking just about everything I have to stop myself from ripping my f*****g glasses off my face and crushing them in my hands even though I'll be have to buy a new pair for $60 and slice my hands up, probably bad enough to need the hospital.

I'm so frustrated with everything in my worthless existence.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being nice.
I'm tired of my worthless piece of s**t brother who can't even f*****g keep his hands off cough syrup to get high.
I just want to punch him in the f*****g face every time I see him.

I'm tired of them telling me it'll all be ok and if I give it a chance I'll like it.

3 weeks ago "Hey mike I'm thinking of moving and wanted to talk to you about it"
2 weeks ago "Hey mike we're going to go look at houses tomorrow just to look, want to come?
On the way there "Oh I didn't tell you that I got a job here? yah I start next week."
Today "Oh I didn't tell you, yah I bought the house and the movers are coming over on wednesday to assess the move."
"Oh don't worry about it, its a great city, you'll like it if you just give it a chance"

NO I f*****g wont you worthless selfish b***h! You f*****g terrible excuse for a mother!
I will ROT in my f*****g apartment!

My childhood was horrendous, everyone hated me, I couldn't control myself, I had NO friends, 0 friends, I was beat up, I was yelled at, I was betrayed by my f*****g brother!
You f*****g forced me off on my father because you didn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't take me back until my f*****g life was in danger!
You gave my brother my rooms, you threw my s**t in a closet to get torn up by dogs and rats and pissed on!
When I got back you tor the TRASH out of my brothers old room and made ME paint it and then threw me in that!
You never got me new cloths! You never taught me ANYTHING, the house was disgusting! Homeless people would not have lived in that f*****g house!
I was unwanted, unloved, miserableness, bullied and alone!

and you want me to move back to that f*****g town!?!?
and you give me no notice?!?!
You go from "I'm thinking of moving" to "Oh didn't I tell you I bought a house, got a job an the movers are coming on wednesday" in 3 f*****g week!
and all you have to say is "Just give it a chance it will be fine"

NO! f**k you you selfish b***h!
My Mind hates that town so f*****g much that when I step foot in it it actually looks like I'm wearing grey sunglasses and I'm NOT!
I am disgusted by that town so much that my mind actually tries to filter it out!
I will not be fine, I will not like it! I will sit in my f*****g apartment and ROT.

and now I have no choice but to become self sufficient even though I'm not.
and if I somehow manage to do that I have to deal with her guilt tripping me when I tell her to go f**k herself because I f*****g hate this state and move the f**k away.

You have ruined my entire f*****g life because of your selfish f*****g acts and wanting to be near YOUR family.
YOUR family that doesn't even like me and bad mouths me to my face!
YOUR family that only talk to me because I;m YOUR son.
Well not this time, I am not following you into that hell hole again!
I will not willingly walk into a situation that I know will result in my death within the next 10 years.

.....

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 13 Oct 2012, 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Why respond if you wont even read the whole post?
and what exactly is it that's so special about family that I'm not allowed to call them a selfish b***h when they have been a selfish b***h my entire life?

Just because she's my mother I'm not allowed to say anything bad even though she's been a selfish b***h her whole life and dragged me through hell for her happiness?
That I haven't been able to depend on her for much of anything actually important other then not letting me starve when she kicked me out and I went broke?
That even when she did help me eat most of the money came from food stamps and shelfs.
That when I actually look to her for emotional support all she has to say is "I don't know what to say. We'll figure something out" and then never mentioning it again because she couldn't be bothered to help.
That when I found aspergers and even went to a doc to get a primary evaluation she didn't even look up the definition until a month and 4 extremely heated conversations after the doc said it was pretty likely that I had it but that there was no point in going any further because it would cost me a lot of money and have no benefits afterwords?

The only reason my mother gives a s**t about me anymore is because she feels guilty about how she treated me as a kid.
She spends time with me for her benefit, not mine.
She'd get rid of that damn cat that I am literally deathly allergic to if she did.
After 4 hours I can't breath and after 4 days of that I have to use an inhaler every 3 hours BUT I CAN'T! because the god damn thing is once ever 4 hours, so I have to sit there breathing like there's someone sitting on my chest for an hour.
If I don't then I get to spend a night in the hospital with oxygen strapped to me so I don't DIE.
But nooooo she loves her f*****g cat, her NEW cat. Apparently a lot more then me too.
She's always telling me to spend the night, because apparently being unable to breath after 4 hours means I would do real well after another 8 hours sleeping there.
I honestly think she wants to kill me with that f*****g cat sometimes.

Because I was drinking and distracted so it was a bit hard to really read the whole thing but I got the gist of being angry with family BS and so I could sort of understand feeling that way I mean thats part of the reason Im drinking tonight because Im sick of it(in my own life) and I wanted a break.

Also I meant if they've wronged you that bad then you have every right to be angry about it, but with my situation I know I sometimes get carried away so I wasn't entirely sure what all was more ranting and what all was pure fact. Those are valid reasons to be angry. I just don't quite have the same issues though I cannot say I have the best relationship with my mom and usually I am too worried about hurting her feelings to be straight up with her.....but I shouldn't.

Anyways is it possible to find another living situation where you don't have to deal with your mom or the cat? I mean I don't know if you have any diagnosed issues or anything but you could try SSI if you can't work.

I already have SSI and disability, for a whole WHOPPING $680 a month!
That's right, doctors say I can't work, but they expect me to live on $680 a month!
The county has found themselves gracious enough to grant me another $180 in food stamps.
So I can actually afford to buy a pair of pants every now and then.

So I have the most money I'm ever going to get and its a lousy $860.

You seem to be mistaken by the way, I haven't lived with my mom since I was 18, that was 7 years ago, when she kicked me out.
My brother on the other hand has lived and had all his expenses payed for his entire life because she actually likes him, he's 23 and a drug addict.
If I did live with my mother I would be dead.
4 hours of exposure to that cat and I can't breath, 4 days of that and I'm reliant on an inhaler to breath at all and its guaranteed to be unpleasant for a few days of open windows and a cat free apartment before I don't have to rely on it anymore but still need it to breath comfortably.

The only reason I'm not homeless is because this apartment is income based so its only costing me $220 a month.
Frankly my life sucks. The world takes a big smelly diarrhea dump on me every time I dare feel good about anything.

My childhood was terrible too. My mother moved me around too and all to satisfy her own ego and social goals/lifestyle.

I am tired of being alone and tired of being nice too. So tired it makes me feel sick.

I want to hurt those that have hurt me not random people though.

Last edited by Mishra2012 on 13 Oct 2012, 4:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

I understand being angry. I understand bad childhoods.

My mother stood back and watched my step dad make me eat vomit. Step brothers who stabbed me through the foot, cracked my skull open and gave me black eyes... and much more too horrendous to recount here.

I know moving is hard - I know living on your benefits is not easy. But at least you have the benefits. That is way more than many, including myself get granted.

Get this off your chest, maybe try telling your mother this - or leave your post open so she "finds" it if telling her directly is too hard. Your anger and hurts are very real - but it is not healthy to hold on to them. I am not saying forgive anything, by any means... but accept what has been and do your best with what comes your way. If you are angry, then you are angry... and rightly so... just try and release that anger.

I hope posting here has helped you... I hope my sharing my past details helps you feel not so alone. It isn't much... I know...

....

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 13 Oct 2012, 5:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think most people are confused about what it is I'm upset about and it is that she is trying to drag me back to the town she lived in when I was a kid.
A town that is literally so f****d in my mind that all of my senses dull the second I enter the town.
Food tastes worse, everything looks dull and I feel like s**t.
This town is practically hell for me.

All she has to say is, "well I don't know what to say""We'll figure something out""you can come visit and spend the $20 to sleep in a house that can literally kill you".
Oh yah, because I'm going to spend $20 in gas of my precious f*****g money to come visit you and be stuck for 24 hours in a house that I can't breath in after 4 hours.
I get to spend $20 in gas so you can feel better about yourself. Meanwhile I get to rely on an inhaler to breath, which wont work very well after 8 hours, sleep horribly because my lungs and sinuses will not be working, and then spend another 8 hours pretending I'm not f*****g suffocating!
All so you can be close to your family. "No I got a job there, I'm moving for that" No you got a job there because you wanted to move there to be close to your family!
Stop f*****g lying to me and justifying your f*****g selfish actions!


And yes we did have a conversation and I did say all of this and it ended with as always "I don't know what to say, we'll come up with something"
Even though I gave her the only three options in my life at this moment.

1. I move there for her and I rot in my apartment I never leave, I hopefully get out enough to buy food for myself, and within 10 years I die from whatever medical condition takes me due to crap diet, no activity and utter depression.

2. I stay here, I try and become self dependent even though I'm not, I spend my life talking to no one and hope I pull myself together enough before I go insane or die.

3. I somehow do become self dependent, I leave this freezing f*****g wasteland and I probably never speak to her ever again and HOPEFULLY I finally find some f*****g happiness, something she clearly only cares about getting for herself.


All she has to say is "Well I'm sorry this is happening so fast, I thought you would enjoy living there."
Yah, just like you think I enjoy football, which I don't and how you offer me alcohol nearly 3 times every f*****g year because you can't figure out that I don't drink.
How you buy me trash bags and socks and f*****g slippers I will never use for xmass, because you don't have the slightest f*****g clue what I would actually like to get.

I don't think moving in with your mom is a good idea especially if that is the main thing you're pissed about is her trying to drag you there......honestly I'd just tell her 'no' and maybe take steps to cut her out of your life a bit more I mean I don't want to judge other peoples family but it sounds like she's rather toxic in your life and doesn't really care much for your well being based on what you've said. It seems that moving in with her would be even worse than how it is now.

If you totally hate where you live you could maybe look into other places with the same sort of price range maybe, I mean having some income gives you a few options even if its not much. But of course finding much in that sort of price range may be rather difficult.

Otherwise maybe getting out and doing things you like would be a good idea(though depending on how sh*tty you feel that can be more effort than its worth at times). And well if you have SSI you could spend leftover money if you ever have it after bills and such on things you want. But if you're totally unhappy and want to become self dependent I don't know how you would do that I mean the job market and such is already sh*tty even for people who are functional enough to hold full time jobs. So maybe just living on that SSI for a while and maybe spending more time on yourself than talking to or thinking about that awful family of yours could help.

I can't hold a job, even if I could get one, so its not an option. I'm always late because I don't want to go and then I just end up shutting down and don't show up one day.
I'm not moving in with her either, I'd be moving to another apartment in that town.
I can't live with her because of her cat, not that I'm really sure that's even an offer she'd make unless I was homeless.

Frankly I don't even know where I would start to find another place like this and I can't afford even the cheapest of normal rents.
I've been saving up money and I have around $400 now, but I can't bring myself to spend it on anything.

Rent - 210
Internet and phone - 70
Food - 200-250
Gas - 20
Insurance - 75
Total - 625
Leaving $175 to spend on cleaning supplies, toilet paper, cloths, anything fun.
that 175 is new though, from the county, its food stamps.
Without that I didn't even have enough to buy new cloths.


the problem isn't really so much that I'm spending to much time with family as it is that they are the only people I've spoken to more then in passing in the last 6 months and I'm frankly starting to go insane.

....

No, I'd love to blow the $400 on anything and everything I think might make me happy.
But I can't bring myself to spend the money because I could get kicked out of the apartment, or i could break my glasses, or my 23 year old poorly maintained car could break down any day now or I might need some new cloths if I gain or lose any weight and now that my selfish mother has just put down $80,000 on a home she is broke and in debt until she sells the one shes in now.
So if anything happens I'm on my own. But I'm sure she'll still buy my brother his 3 packs of cigarets a week.

What the hell am I going to socialize with people about? The weather?
"Hows life been?"
Oh, I haven't left my house all week, I've played a few video games and watched tv, and otherwise just wasted away at my computer desk.
"Wana get a drink"
I don't drink.
"Why not?"
f****d up in the head.
"Want to come over and have a party?"
I'd really rather not, I don't know any of them and I don't like groups especially drunk groups.

I don't really know anyone in this town, which is especially sad because I've lived here for 8 years.

*shrug* sooner or later I'm just going to break down.
Maybe I'll go buy a cigar and let my brother know that his constant smoking in front of me has resulted in that.
Because its of coarse not at all embedded in my subconscious because my father smokes and on tv all real men smoke that smoking is manly.
Its not like I think a couple times a month, hey smoking makes my father feel so good and now my brother can't get enough of it, I bet I'd be just a little happier if I did it too or anything.
If I'm going to do it, I might as well do it right.

Frankly I'm so damned miserable that I don't know if I care anymore.
Who cares if smoking might kill me, if I don't get happy and change my life I'll die in the next 10 years from a heart attack anyway.
So what if I turn out to be an angry drunk like my father, no one likes me anyway, maybe I'll kill enough brain cells that I just wont care anymore.
Maybe I'll just go smoke some weed, its going to be legal soon anyway and it's not any worse then booze.

Well you can always go personally attack others who come here for help...apparently.

They deserve the attack, they are a petty spiteful little brat.
They take pleasure in watching a man die of cancer slowly because they disciplined them in a non abusive manner.
The fact that he dare try and teach them right and wrong is in their eyes enough to commend the man to a slow, painful, humiliating death.
And he still wouldn't say a bad word about them. That man loves them more then anyone has ever even liked me and they have admitted that.

They aren't looking for help, they are looking for attention.

Well no one can tell you what to think, but this is certainly not the place for personal attacks...especially this part of the site. If that post was for attention then its that posters problem. I mean its not like you were speaking kindly of your family so attacking someone else for essentially the same thing is kind of BS you don't know if they've actually been mistreated or not I imagine their whole life is not in that one post.

A parent going on and on about how terrible their adult child who pays rent in their own apartment is not something I see as good treatment and one can only take so much of that before they get very angry and resentful. Based on your first post I figured you would get that but I guess I was wrong.

You're not the only person 'at their limit' especially here.