I am the devil's daughter (long post)

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My mum has always been the most unluckiest person out of her 3 siblings, on top of having a bad unbringing by a self-centered alcoholic parent. Although one of her sisters may have Aspie traits, my mum still seems the most unconfident and lacks any attention from men and is now convinced that she is ugly, even though I don't think she's any different to her two sisters. And I think I have added to her bad luck, being born on the spectrum. She's had a lot of stress from me growing up, and I was always a handful as a child, and I'm still causing her intense worry and stress now, even as an adult. Not too much with behaviour, but with other things, like financial situations that I don't like to mention online due to privacy reasons. Her 3 siblings all have stresses, but my mum's are the worst. At least all of their children are NTs, and just have general NT problems.

I have decided I am the devil's daughter. I had nothing but bad luck, and I cause bad luck for other people. I don't get along with people, I hate myself, and also people see me coming and run to avoid me, like job employers. I just cannot seem to get a job. I have tried different things in order to improve my confidence and skills, you name it I've done it, and nobody still won't give me a chance. And it's all due to this f*****g rotton disability I happen to unintentionally be born with. I didn't ask to be born, and I certainly didn't ask to be cursed with this f*****g s**t. I've found out I can't get away with not telling the employer about this rotton s**t that I have got because I am too dumb to be able to hide it completely. If they did take me on they'll find out I have this s**t sooner or later because of me being too stupid to understand such a simple task, or me saying something stupid and them thinking I'm a bit weird and so on. I f*****g hate being in this trap. I just envy people who can just put N/A in the disability box and move on without worrying about it at all.
And talk about Murphy's Law when it comes to me doing anything. Wherever I stand in a shop, I'm always in the way of some twat, even if I stand in the most unlikely places, like if I stand next to a blank wall in nobody's way at all, someone would still want to get to where I am, like they'd want to read a poster behind me or press a fire alarm button there or something, or someone would come along and want to clean the wall or something. Makes me feel like a clumsy idiot, because most people with Mental Retardation or Alzheimer's usually get in people's way in public more than the average person, because they're clumsy and awkward, and I feel like I'm like that.
Also whenever I talk, I always get shushed because someone wants to listen to something, like the telly. There could be 10 people in a room, all chatting loudly over each other, and me sitting quietly most of the time then the minute I open my mouth to say something relavent, somebody will go, ''oh, shush - I like this song!'', or, ''listen - the news is saying what I was waiting all day to hear!'' That also makes me feel awkward.

So I must be the devil's daughter. Everything I do is always at the wrong time even though what I normally do is nothing unusual. I get laughed at and stared at by people in public all the time, today was no exception, I didn't look at anybody but as people passed by I saw them in my periphery turning their head quick towards me as if to say, ''who the f**k's this freak?'' If I didn't care showing myself up, I would have turned round and said, ''I'm really not in the mood today, so just f**k off and take your f*****g childish judgements somewhere else, you f*****g bully!'' But because I would care showing myself up, lucky for them I didn't say anything, just endured getting critical stares today. f*****g c***s, hope every c**t that stared at me today gets hit by a car.
Oh, and I can't find a job either, nor do I have many friends and the friends I do have I am losing one by one because they either want to move out of the area or are just too busy to bother about me. So yes, I am the devil's daughter, I've had nothing but bad luck all my life and I believe that life is not worth living any more.

Just remember we're here to listen to you whenever you need to talk about anything. Nobody here will judge you or talk down to you. I've read some of your posts and you seem like a nice person. On the job front maybe you could try and find a job where you didn't have to face members of the public like inputting data into a computer? I think also that friends come and go, I had a really good friend who out of the blue just decided not to respond to my texts/e-mails any more but don't be discouraged, I'm sure there are people who will be true friends to you. Also please do NOT think about taking your own life, I've been there and I can tell you there is so much to live for like films and books and television and train rides and walking to places by yourself. I'm currently being supported by a group called Fairfield Care that operate out of Manchester in the UK, maybe I could put you in touch with them? I hope this is helpful to you. PM me if you want to talk

You know, I've thought exactly the same thoughts. Said exactly the same things. Only obviously about myself, because I'm 99.99% sure that I've never met you.

I even knew a guy who told me I was right, that there were other people like me and I could come join them and finally serve the Devil and make all the people suffer.

Yeah. He was an as*hole. A predator and a parasite and a s**t. I'm glad I found some good friends and (mostly) didn't listen to that s**t.

I just wish it would stop playing back in my head every time people turn on me for being too weird or making some stupid mistake that they won't tell me and it takes me months and months and months to figure out.

Well anyway, it's not true. You are not the Devil's daughter. The Devil has no creative powers (if indeed the Devil exists at all). God is the only entity with creative powers. Thus God made me, and you, and God does not make mistakes.

He may, however, be a bloodless cruel Motherf***er who uses people as tools to do things for His own idiosyncratic reasons that will never be explained, without so much as a faint twinge of remorse for the pain and suffering it's going to cost the tool in question.

If, indeed, God exists at all.

Sorry you are feeling way way the f**k down. No matter how accurate it seems right now, it isn't.

Thanks for the replies. I try to look at good things in life. I don't expect too much, but even the small things I look forward to suddenly go pear-shaped for me. Like I love getting the bus what goes from my town to bigger towns outside of my town (well, it's the only bus we can get on), and I like seeing the familiar drivers who are friendly and I talk to 2 of them, but even that is all going pear-shaped. Their contracts have all changed so I can't get to see the 2 that I talk to, for all I know they could have left, and the ones that are on it now are really boring and unfriendly. Also I keep hearing rumors about the bus stopping, and old people keep talking to the other drivers and I have heard one of them say ''...this bus is costing us a lot of petrol...'' that's all I heard and that has worried me. I am fed up with all this, I don't know why they can't just leave things as they were instead of keep chopping and changing everything.

Sorry I keep ranting, I'll stop now.

If there is ever anything that you need help with. Get ahold of any of us. I am going through a lot of stuff as well. I had a job coach that helped me get a job. There should be companies that help people with skills etc. Goodwills do that as well. Find yourself a job coach and if anything comes up that you needs help with... we will gladly help. I am currently getting help involving my dad whom has a hard time understanding aspergers and doesn't know how to explain things..

we are here to help

I do have a job coach, but I find him strange. I've been his client for over a year now, and he is very understanding, but there's a few odd things about him that confuse me. Last year I was still dubious of telling the employer that I have a disability, but he said that they must know and that's he's there for is to help me get settled into work and so on. Now I'm a little more accepting of letting them know I have a disability, although I'm not too happy but I'm not bothered about who knows and who doesn't in the workplace, but now he seems to have a changed his mind. I phoned up about a job the other day, and then I said about my job coach. Then I phoned my job coach up and told him about the job, and that I told them about him, and he seemed a little against it. He didn't say, but because I can ''read between the lines'', I could tell I wasn't meant to tell them about him because he said they might be put off, and I don't think he wanted me to tell them about the disability either. So I think that has made me feel a little anxious.

All this job hunting is like hitting my head against a brick wall.

I just had this lovely mental image of someone turning to gawk at you with that dumb look on their face and getting flipped a mile high by a fast moving vehicle.
Anyway, aside from my sick humor, I just wanted to say that I like you, have always read your posts with sympathy and understanding because I can fully relate to all that you say. Know that you have friends here on WP and never hold back venting because that is how you can begin to heal. You are most certainly not being judged or thought to be weird here! Hell, for the longest I thought "weird" was my middle name, I got called by it so much. Finally the day came when someone rolled their eyes and said, "You're weird." And I replied, "No, I am not weird. However, YOU are boring and limited in outlook."
Please don't think about ending your life. I would miss your posts very much.

It'll be interesting to walk down the street with you and see if people actually stare at you. I'm not saying that they do, but here in the U.S., at least where I live, people don't get stared at at all. How do I know? There are lots of "colourful" people around and that seems to be the norm. I blend in with my quirks here because people are also scared to single others out. (Yeah, the high percentage of gun ownership keeps behaviours in check). Still, though, I hope it's not paranoia you have. I'd hate to think people are staring at you. How rude.

They stare here, too. But my husband pointed something interesting out. He said that people are not so much staring, as looking in your general direction for no particular reason, usually. Often he has been able to give me reality checks, such as the times when I feel unreasonably noticed everywhere and he is able to tell me if people are really staring or not. That helps enormously. And most times, a person who was casually looking in my general direction may then start staring if they see that I am getting distressed because they don't understand.

That is similar to how I feel, though I suppose I wouldn't call myself the devils daughter, I feel like too much of a loser for such a title...but a hellion maybe. Seems like all I do is cause people problems, inconvenience and burden them. Sure the AS, Anxiety and Depression was bad enough but I was lucky enough to get PTSD as well and that one really pisses me off for a number of reasons I am sure I have already gone into on this forum.

Then to top it of my mind nags me....for instance maybe my mom gets on my nerves and I want to tell her 'you know what mom, you don't understand so f**** off!' Instead I will be polite and gently tell her I am kind of dealing with a lot with the mental issues and trying to get help and fairly quickly she gets I want to be left alone some and not badgered with questions about how the appointment went or whatever. But then once she's gone I am bombarded with 'why didn't you just say it? you know you wanted to say it, you know it would make you feel good for a minute, make a habit of dealing with people that way and you might even get some confidence?' So essentially my mind and thoughts beat me up over things like that and of course that is not how I want to go about gaining confidence but its hard to decide what to do when its like I have two opposite contradicting thought processes going.

The reason why I resorted myself to such a name as the ''devil's daughter'' is because I seem to carry an off-putting vibe everywhere I go. Not so much with social interaction in general, but with anything; experiencing weird stares of snickering from random strangers, being rejected from every job I go for even if I'm the only applicant who they are willing to offer a promising chance (and have an understanding of my condition), and also always saying and doing things awkwardly, or so it seems. Also other unlucky things happen to me; there are 200 bus-drivers in a certain bus company that I like, I speak to 2 of them and those very 2 are the 2 that aren't on my bus any more (but not left), just got moved after a big contract change, even though all the others are still about. Why? Because I'm so unlucky.

I seem to have a similar aura. It doesn't seem to manifest itself as bad luck, although my luck is indeed bad. No, my aura manifest itself as this flow of negative people that inspires people to do hateful things to me. As far as I know the aura travels through cyberspace, so at least two people reading this will want to hit me with a blunt object.