Suicide or loony bin?

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Yeah so I think that is what its come down to. I finally got through with that appointment did my best to express everything, turns out it was just with the GP again not the psychologist. Anyways she gave me Clonazepam and some weird apparently non-ssri anti-depressant called mirtazapine that is supposed to help me sleep if I take it before bed I guess(honestly kind of uncomfortable about taking it but i won't know what it does till I take it). Anyways just hoping these drugs and the last of my alcohol and cannabis can get me through till the next appointment as in keeping me calm enough not to be a dumb ass.

But this is what its come to....gotta be sedated to make it through the day or week ever or I am literally afraid of what I'll do. So yeah even though drugs can relieve symptoms I can't very well go on like this on my own........I mean it wont rid me of the pain, just decrease it for a while and then that still leaves me out and about to do whatever stupid things I might do in an effort to manage it. I mean it makes me want to off myself honestly so pathetic I'm resorting to freaking psych meds and i honestly do not trust myself alone. I could kill myself fairly easily in my room.........I certianly have enough drugs to overdose on but I won't act on it.......I'll wait it out till the next appointment and try to be more direct about it. I mean the only thing that is keeping me from acting on suicidal thoughts is promising myself I have to wait till the next appointment before I do anything and that it would make everyone(family/friends) very upset if I do and I don't want to do that. Also my panic attacks and PTSD freak outs scare me because I can get pretty violent, out of touch and its hard to control any impulses since its like my body going into fight or flight when it happens so that leaves no room for logic.

But yeah I cannot take the pain and I know from past experiences, eventually worrying about hurting others with suicide and waiting, just a little longer for potential help turns into they;d be better off without me and its somehow my fault this process of getting help takes so long and is so complex as in maybe they just think I'm hopeless so that's why it takes a while to get appointments and get the process started.

Taking psych meds for a psych condition (ie. depression or PTSD) is NOT pathetic. That is like saying that a diabetic resorting to insulin is pathetic. Resorting to alcohol, a depressant, and cannabis, a mild hallucinogen not prescribed to you, is far more likely to be seen as "pathetic" and is far more likely to be causing your problems to be worse. So maybe you'll take the mirtazepine for a few days and decide that it is giving you some kind of side effect, even though that "side effect" could actually be an interaction with alcohol and pot, and then give up on it believing that it wasn't helpful. It may be helpful if you use it the right way and give it a fair try. And, honestly, most people spend a fair bit of time not happy. There is no pill, no therapy, nothing, that will make a person never have emotional pain. Any improvement of mood is a gain. It sucks, but if you're anything like me then you might always be more depressed and anxious than the average person. It's no different than the suffering involved in any medical condition, like diabetes or migraines, but you can learn to live with it and have an acceptable quality of life. I had to accept that I have a chronic condition, that it sucks, but that it doesn't really suck any worse than other chronic conditions I could have, and I can make it suck less. I still feel like crap sometimes, depressed and anxious and even crazy, but I'm not on the edge of killing myself any more. Acceptance doesn't mean you like it, it just means you can live with it.

Sweetleaf, please stay here with us. I think you add to a lot of discussions and potentially help a fair number of people. You often have good straightforward analysis of situations, which might come naturally to you, but not everyone can do this. So, you do help us.

Okay, about the panic attacks and freak outs where you can get pretty violent. Well, you probably know that in marital arts, there's soft style and hard style. What if you learn hard style blocks? That pretty clearly communicates to people, Stay the Hell Back. I mean, a block gives you something very active to do that's not directly violent. And maybe even fist squeezes and fist exercises might help prevent some but not all panics.

Sweet leaf, i've recently gotten medical coverage about 5 months ago.

I'm currently on clonazepam and wellbutrin, this is not shame--this is a step. Full acceptance of being yourself is realizing that you're great, but not perfect and right now you're trying to work on those very things that are bringing you down emotionally. There is time, if the meds work talk to your doctor about it, if the meds suck talk to them about it, they will up the dosage, or change them but the point is they are there to work for you.

Its not your fault at all, i'm still dealing with my issues. I deal with emotional pain as well, but going to a doctor overtime has helped me some with my issues, or at least prevented them from getting worse from things I generally could not deal with at all prior to them helping.

I only take clonazepam to go to sleep (it does make you drowsy).

Also I don't think that it sucks worse than other conditions or whatever, I don't even think about that.....all I know is it causes me more pain than I can cope with...the whole problem is I am not doing a good job of living with it at all. Hence the reason I am thinking its best if I get put in the psych ward at least long enough to get a freaking psych evaluation otherwise I can't imagine I can go on much longer without at least attempting suicide..........its unbearable, no one close to me understands except one person and I pretty much promised him if it gets down to me feeling suicidal I'll take the necessary actions to avoid it. so I can't even tell them(family) that's how I feel too much shame and embarrassment from the last time I attempted and they take it personally like its something they aren't doing and well there is nothing more they can do but then it would turn into a nasty argument about I should be greatful for what I do have and such.........and they don't get I am grateful for their help, support whatever but its not enough to give me the ability to manage the pain I feel.

Guess I'd worry about the bill later, I am trying to get on SSI so maybe I could pay it but I think i need more than a few doctors appointments and therapy sessions and pills...its been reaching that point and the longer I try and deny it the worse it will get.

A friend of mine ran up a $33,000 bill from being committed to the psych ward 4x over the past year due to depression and suicide attempts. However, he had no income and no assets, so they forgave the debt! He was able to get Medicaid because of his finances and is now on his way towards fixing his life. My suggestion is to call the hospital and see if you qualify for financial assistance. Also, you are an adult now, so you do not need to involve your family in this unless you want to.

Due to my severe anxiety about calling places(especially to inquire about financial things) and such, not to mention my mom and various people might try to pull the 'come on its not that bad yet' 'its expensive....' bla bla bla, but when I am at the doctors office at the next appointment none of them will be there to stop me from saying what I need to say to get the help I need. They may be a little flustered that I don't come home after the appointment but ha at least I won't have to face them about it as I doubt if I'm in a psych ward they will let any family to come in and nag me....I now understand getting away from all of them for a while 'rather good intentions or not might do me a lot of good so I can just focus on what's going on with me and not so much whats going on with them. The only other options I can think of are suicide or go out and do something stupid enough to get myself arrested.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 28 Sep 2012, 5:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hmm well I don't know much about that nor could I really afford any classes in it. Also the thing is I don't have enough rational thinking going on to actually direct it to anything specific. Its like pure survival/panic instinct so I do things before I even have time to react mentally. Like a kinda funny example but one of my aquantinces poked me in the side just messing around and before I even realized what happened I had dived onto the ground we laughed at the time since it was among friends but yeah its the things I do before I even realize it that would be concerning.

But it makes sense, maybe something to look into.

I am pro-cannabis because I had a friend who smoked. In fact, I think cannabis is across the board better than alcohol in almost every regard, except for legality and the fact that medicinal marijuana is only available in some parts of the country, and most likely would require additional hurdles and maze work. So I hope you don't run out. Or ... sometimes it's sweet and neat not to do something a while and then come back to it.

Now, we aspies are sometimes more strongly affected by medications. Maybe you could start the Clonazepam and mirtazapine at half dose and take it from there?

Well I will be running out, and it will be for a while.......I mean sure I love cannabis, it has helped get me through some dark times, but its time me and mary jane part ways at least for a while. As for the Clonazepam they gave me .5mg pills I find it takes 2 of those to be effective(typically with me I am less sensitive to drugs). A little flustered since they gave me 30.......not enough to last my next appointment even if I just take 2 a day. On the thing it says to take 1 twice a day well I don't even have enough to do that let alone take what appears to be the nessisary amount twice in a day. Suppose I can call the doctor and tell them, I mean I'm not just saying that I tried taking just one at first and it didn't quite work so I took another and it worked fine, then today I tried just one again, waited like a half hour continued getting more anxious so I took the second. As for the mirtazapine I think I'll probably start with the full dose, its before bed anyways so the ,more drowsy it makes me the better.

And the doctor should understand that everyone's body is a little different. And/or try another anti-anxiety medication, although it sounds like this one does work just in a higher dose.

And I guess there's the method of camping out at the doctor's, showing up early, saying 'whenever the doctor can work me in, maybe someone will cancel.'

A friend of mine at the old copy center, told me this method of calling when they first open and asking to be worked in, maybe someone will cancel, saying 'no, I'm not really in a place where I can receive calls. Let me call back at ten o'clock.' And call back every two hours in this fashion being very polite throughout. I'm not sure I'd quite have the skills to pull this off. And I guess it all depends on how much sense of humor the receptionist has. In my friend's story, the guy got the appointment at the third two-hour interval he called back.

Yeah not too good with that kind of thing...would be easier to just call the doctor and see what they can do about the potential med shortage otherwise just wait it out till the next appointment. I should be fine till the next appointment, but yeah I think I need to get it out of my head how people will feel if I tell the doctor the truth and have myself committed.........ha can't be any worse then having collage debt I can't afford to pay, and maybe it would help my SSI(so then I can pay bills..yay). And its kind of embarrassing but as much as I would like to have a better relationship with my mom like my sister somehow developed, and how much I love my brother and my dad these are not really people who can help(my sister aside but it can be flaky with her since shes distractable) and they've got some problems of their own so getting away from any of their influence for a time to get my head together would not be a bad idea either.

In my experience working with paramedics, hospitals are pretty good about working on payment plans.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirtazapine

I DEFINITELY get the whole fear of phones thing! I need to get help for my issues too and rather than call, I wound up going with my friend to the treatment center to inquire in person. I am too much of a coward to walk in alone and needed the moral support just to ask. Perhaps you could find a friend who would be willing to do you a similar favor?

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No I don't think there is anyone I can bring with me...next appointment I'll just till the doctor that I'm suicidal or whatever, then I am sure they will do what they do all I have to do is give them reason to send me to the psych ward which shouldn't be hard........I should have just been straight up the last time but no stupid me had to once again pull the whole 'oh yeah I'll be fine till the next appointment, no self harm thoughts or anything.' then I kind of rethought having not been specific that I am actually concerned to the extent its an urgent manner and she was already gone a medical assistant came and gave me a note for when my next appointment is and prescriptions and that was it.........ended abruptly so I couldn't say anything else.

Or maybe at the next anointment I'll be an idiot again. Just wish there was some way to express to that doctor that I am afraid of causing harm to myself if not straight up attempting suicide so they should probably put me somewhere safe.....but I am always so stupid I can't help but not quite say that out of fear of embarrassment with family and I guess I feel it would be humiliating or something. Of course there is always suicide still I suppose if I am too stupid to admit to someone who can actually do something about it.

And later on maybe just tell friends and family members, I needed to get some help. And brief is probably good.

Now, if I was going into a facility, I'd want at least two books, one I'm familiar with and like a whole lot but maybe haven't read in a while, and then one new book which I've lightly sampled which feels promising. And I'd also try and be ready to let this go if I couldn't take them in. This is me. I can be a really big reader.