being a failure...
22 Oct 2012, 11:35 pm
Not sure the point of me writing all this down, maybe to vent, or see if others feel as I do. I don't know. I have nobody that I can actually communicate how I feel to so this is what I am left with.
Been kinda more down lately than my normal "being down" mood. Looking back on my life and where I am today mentally and emotionally doesn't bring a smile to my face. In my life I never was noticed, never had any talents, wasn't a rocket scientist. Socially I was near invisible. Never dated or had any relationship, don't even know how to get one let alone keep one. 27 year old virgin who feels an absolute failure at life. I think to myself daily that I truely wish I could do it all over again, or at least go back to when I was young and nieve and didn't have any clue to the path my life was about to take. In my 27 years, I feel I have achieved nothing. Mentally I feel 13, socially maybe 13 as well.
I occasionally hear or see someone from my past (they don't remember me) and am amazed at how good they are doing at this point in their life and I am not. I went to school and ate lunch with my senior year a kid who now is a famous pro athelete and has worked with 2 companies designing shoes with his name while being a pro in his field. 2 other people that I went to school with that took over their family's multi-million dollar construction companies. 1 who took over his family business due to tragic circumstances, countless others who went to war, some who have come home, some who have not. Plus many more married, happy people that I grew up with throughout my school life. All successful.
Then that makes me look at myself. I have always had social anxiety, depression, etc. All the way to age 19 I lived with it pretty fine. Then from 19-25 I looked for ways to try to kill the pain. Weed was the biggest, then alcohol. I did weed so damn much that now if I do it I have uncontrollable nervous system and heart problems that I could have died from a few times now. Drinking gives me heart palpatations pretty nasty the day after. I decided after my last really bad experience that it was time to change myself. I gave up those bad habits and haven't gone back for 2 years and have no plans of ever doing so again. But I was so good at hiding it that I never missed a beat with school or work. I worked 2 jobs and went to a community college full time. Accelled at both work and school while trying to numb the pain. When I walked away from my bad habits, I also walked away from the bad influences / friends that could / would have dragged me back. So I did make positive life changes.
So now I am left with no friends. I walked away from a lot of people because I was tired of being taken advantage of. I have always been one to help others. I have always been a dedicated friend, but once I get screwed over or I see I am being used, I cut you off instantly and I never help again. I just don't trust people at all any more and am always trying to figure out someones "angle."
Back to successes. I have been a physical labor person my whole life. I just could not sit still in a classroom or behind a desk, and feared what my life would be like if I took that path. I never could figure out or pin down exactly what I wanted to do career-wise. My family thinks I am crazy for decided to start my own business because it is not what everyone else does. They are all really successful where as I am not. I started this business with my bro 3 years ago and every year it had doubled and tripled in profits etc. So we own 50% each and all expenses are split evenly. But after all the work and after paying taxes, I just barely made it past the national poverty level. It scares the hell out of me how much more work is needed to become middle class. I cannot do 90+ hour work weeks all the time like I do for 4-5 months out of the year. With all of this business expense, I never could afford to move from my parents house yet. My business's equipment costs a lot of $$ so it takes most of my profit always. But the only bright side is that I own every single thing I have ever had, have absolutely no debt at all, have a savings and retirement savings. Just cannot afford to become "normal"
But what most people see is a 27 year old guy who achieved nothing and lives with his parents. I tell you this does not help self esteem. I have none. Haven't had any for years because I see myself as others do, not counting some of the reasons for why I am who I am. Another problem is that I am a hopeless romantic and all I want is love and acceptance and a partner to go through life with. I see any chances of this gone or almost gone. I have always believed in helping, doing good towards others, karma, working hard, not cheating etc. All it has gotten me is to distrust most people because they don't act the same towards me as I do towards them. I never had a girlfriend or relationship, no sex, only kissed 1 time when I was 19 or 20. Women won't look at me, and the ones that do, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared to even try anymore. I don't want to feel the rejection once they see that I am not like others. Also a big factor is trying to explain why I have no friends, live at home, don't go anywhere, am obcessed with my hobby, never had a relationship, don't just go out and try to nail women, etc. Being my age and no experience is painful and is a huge red flag to any women.
I notice a trend in my thinking over this last year of myself trying to justify and convince myself that I am better off being alone and not to get into any relationship. But also this horrible feeling I get from never being loved or cared for from anyone other than family. I want it, I have made positive life changes, worked on trying to be like most people in society, but no progress.
I have been told by many people that I need to get a life. I hate hearing it, but I cannot explain to them my problems. I do see some positive things in myself that I would think could show women that I could be a decent pick:
-hard worker, can fix anything, never pay someone to do anything (so I can save $$)
-can easily speak and understand things on an emotional level
-dedicated friend / companion, but if screwed over, I'm gone
-110% against cheating
-non-judgemental
-no debt
-decent on the looks
-I can cook, clean, do laundry, great with kids
I would think I would have some points, but I feel that all that I have said in the previous paragraphs eliminate all points I may have had and am now in the negative zone. I also don't have any free time to myself to really even find a girlfriend. My brother is just like me only more to the point that he just doesn't give a s**t. But I cannot go anywhere without him ever. So I cannot even try to meet women myself because he never leaves my side. I try to go on my own but he always wants to go and gets mad if I don't ask or take him. Sometimes I have to lie and say I am going somewhere he hates going to just to have some alone time and meet someone. This has also been a deterant. My family and even some clients that know us over the years all say that I will never leave my parents house, and if I do, my brother will be living with me because I will never find a women and the only way I can afford to live on my own is if he is with me.
So after all of that, I just connot imagine ever meeting someone to accept me, even if I have some good qualities. Plus I don't know where to look for a women who is similar to me, and have nevr even met a women like this. I think a women who feels or understands me would be the best match but time is really flying by and I don't want to find this person when I am 60 and lost out on all the fun and excitement of love and relationships in my youth. But I think my youth is dead. I am quietly freaking out inside. Ever since I quite toking and drinking, I bury my pain with constant work and my hobby and try to leave no time for dwelling on it, but at every small amount of free time I have, it's in the back of my mind. If karma was real I would think I should be happy. I mean come one, last year I saved a 90 year old neighbor that fell on her patio and layed in the snow calling for help for 5 hours while being snowed on. Doesn't that count for something? But if karma is real and me doing that didn't change anything, then I must have been some really evil bastard in a past life that deserves no happiness ever.
Just had to get that off my chest. I feel better, I don't expect people to read all of this, there is a lot of random thoughts everywhere. Just a few points of my thinking that never get spoken. Everyone have a good night
24 Oct 2012, 5:44 am
This is the right place. We understand.
Keeping is the hard part. You can learn how to get girls from web sites. Three rules:
1. It's a numbers game. Pretend you are confident. Swagger. Look people in the eye. Fill the room. And if it all fails just try again with somebody else. That's what pick up artists do and it works: it only has to work once.
2. Read "How To Win Friends And Influence People." That's what I did,and it works. it's the granddaddy of all self help books.
3. Google "alpha male". E.g. http://www.wikihow.com/Become-an-Alpha-Male
Remember that if even obnoxious jerks can fake this, so can you. Some parts are hard for aspies, but you don't have to be perfect at it: anything is better than your present status.
Me too. I was diagnosed at age 44. Before that I did everything wrong.
I find it helps to remember that this is NOT because they are better or smarter or harder working. I use my own example for that: I have a high IQ, lots of qualifications and experience, and have always worked hard on my projects instead of socializing, and I spend my time trying to be as moral as possible. And now I stack shelves at the supermarket and have no friends. Meanwhile NTs who merely go with the flow end up with money, houses, friends, relationships. THIS IS NOT BECAUSE THEY WORKED HARDER OR WERE SMARTER. They just fit in
Yeah. Rich parents certainly helps.
If we measure success as a percentage - what have you got compared to the tools you had - you are more successful than your friends. Because they started with everything, they fit into the system and merely had to do with they were told, and were then helped by their environment. You had nothing (brain not wired for this world) and had to fight merely to survive.
Objectively that makes you more valuable than other people. Some people make the world a better place, some people make it worse. The people who make it worse often get rich and popular, but that merely shows that the system is broken.
There is the proof that you are succeeding, but THE SYSTEM is failing you. Tax is a special interest of mine. Tax on work is theft, pure and simple. Adam Smith is the father of modern economics, and he taught that governments should get their money from ground rents, not from taxing work. The fact that somebody hard working can be pushed to the poverty line by tax is proof that the system is wrong.
The middle class do not get their money from work. They get it from fitting into the system. Sure,the middle class work (often very hard) but then they get an extra boost. Until 2008 they got a ton of extra money was from the rising value of land: they buy a house at $100k and a few years later it's worth $200k. This is not because they did any work: it would still be worth $200k if they did nothing. Since 2008 house prices have not risen much, but they exploded in value before that, and that explains most middle class wealth. There are other mechanisms as well of course: it's all about using networks, using their unearned wealth to help in bad times when poorer people crash, and jobs that merely shift money around.
LOL I sound like a Marxist. I'm not. Marx was wrong about his solution (a centrally planned economy) but he was right about the problem: the current system allows some people to live without working and others have to work without truly living.
You can hold your head up high. Morally you are a success. The ones who don't work as hard but extract more money from the system are the failures, from the point of view of history. Society only survives because of people like you: workers.
Until earlier this year I was a 43 year old guy living with his parents. And I am overweight, stack shelves in a supermarket, and read comic books. I know exactly what it looks like from the outside.
I am lucky in that I did well at academic subjects (but I am totally not practical, I envy you). Society favors academics, so I have great self esteem. But I sometimes wish I was gay. There are plenty of idealistic males like you and me out there. But sadly we are both hetero.
Women are as shallow as men. That' been a really hard lesson for me to learn. And I still won't accept it: I put women on a pedestal. I believe they are kinder, gentler, have a longer term view, look below the surface, etc. That's true, they are gentler and more long term than men, but only very marginally so.
I have such big dreams, of shared goals, of shared vision: I yearn for somebody who thinks in terms of the abstract and the eternal. But for most men and women it's about money and a good body. That's all. I don't want that kind of woman. I have tried dating. But everybody is like that, even the smart and thoughtful ones. Nobody believes it of themself I know, but the evidence is pretty clear cut.
We all do that. It's not true - we all need others. But for some of us the best we can hope for is to keep busy. That's why I am against porn in public places. I can just about get by as long as nobody reminds me of what I'm missing.
Those people are beneath contempt. You have a life. You work. You are honest. you have a vision that's romantic, that goes beyond the mundane. Your problem is that the rest of the world does not have a life, it just has sex and stealing.
Sorry, I should not accuse most people of stealing, that is very bad manners. I should just observe that the economy is based on net transfers of wealth from those who create it to those who do not. Nearly everybody creates SOME wealth, but what we get to use is a different matter.
The rich always blame the poor for their problems. Worse, we are taught to admire the rich. This is why I can't read Jane Austen novels. In Pride and Prejudice Mr Darcy has an annual income of 300 times the average. This is because he owns land. His people have to pay him rent even if he does nothing: therefore that rent is not earned. He is a parasite and we are supposed to see him as desirable. To most women he is VERY desirable, and that is a damning indictment of our species.
Your list is pretty awesome.
Have you tried online dating? Yes, 99.9 percent of women will reject you, but there are literally millions out there. Some of them have really bad experiences and all they want is somebody like you. Spend a few days researching how to make the best profile. Use "OKCupid" and "Plenty Of Fish" They're free. OKCupid has better ways of finding people (lorts of questions to answer) and POF is bigger. Don't waste time with the other sites: the other ones either charge money or are rubbish.
Emails will come. And if they don't, get advice on the OKCupid message board. It takes time, but it's worth it.
To me you sound like quite a catch.
Also, it looks like you live in the USA. If you get a chance to move to the UK (or maybe Canada, Australia, etc.) the benefit system is much better, and that helps dating: women don't think "oh no, starvation and no health care" if you have a low income. Plumbers etc, are always in demand and make a good living. The USA is really bad for working men: few holidays, insane health care, no union rights, etc. My ex's sister is married to an American trucker so I know.
_________________
No longer trapped in hell. Well, not in the lower levels of hell. But I cannot change my username.
25 Oct 2012, 11:27 pm
Boy you said it. "Brain not wired for this world" That is 110% me. Just seems that the older I get, the harder it will be to attract someone. It's horribly tough for me now as it is. Playing the numbers game just wont do. I really don't go anywhere to have the oppurtunity. By the time I am done working I am usually too tired to go out. Bar scene just wont do because I cannot drink anymore, I am not into clubbing, it is awkward going alone, and the only other person is my brother and that feels weird because I get no alone time. My hobby doesn't really have many women in it, but boy when they see me enjoying it, the gold diggers come out. With me it's odd with women. Yeah I find 100 a day that are really attractive, but I seem to only gravitate towards a girl if I get a "feeling", not sure how to explain it- maybe preminition? Or maybe it's actually only if they show any type of positive attention towards me, which is insanely rare.
taxes on business is insane. I pay taxes on health care, social security, city, state, multiple vehicle insurances / equipment, business, liscenses. Not even counting taxes on what a customer pays me, taxes on the product I sell them, then taxes for savings accounts and my end of year taxes. Hell there are probably more I am forgetting. I should have stuck and became a desk jockey. Would have been easier. I could have a lot more, but the rest of my life will fly by and I will be dead before I know it, lol.
I was never into comic books, but I do enjoy a bunch of cartoons. My addiction is cars hardcore. Work on them, build them, race them, restore them. Keeps me busy.
I put them on a pedestal myself. But most I find are not kinder or gentler or anything really nice, at least the ones I come in contact with. When I am working and I have to move out of the way for a lady to pass, if they are around my age they will not even look at me or acknowledge that I even exist. If it is an older lady say 50+, then they will at a minimum say hi but usually talk or compliment me on my work. My dream girl is one that thinks abstractly, non-conventional, eternal, but I have never met one in real life and I don't know where to look.
I can't stand relationships that are only about money and looks. I need substance. I read a lot of post on this site and a lot of women on here just amaze me how they think, and I just think to myself, "where are these women?" I never meet them.
I tried online dating. I posted on here with no responses, and local craigslist. Talked to one girl who gave me her number and said she wanted to meet, but when I asked her to meet at the mall to walk around, eat, talk a bit I never heard back. Another one replied but the e-amil had her name in it. For some reason my gut told me to look it up. I new I recognized it and sure enough she was on the local news for being busted for prostitution in a motel with her 3 year old kid watching. So I have avoided that for a year now. I will look into the 2 that you mentioned. I really want to be upfront with my lack of social skills because I don't want to waste my time and start to like somone and then they figure out I am odd and dissapear. I would like to have someone who understands.
As the saying goes "gotta keep on keepin on"
26 Oct 2012, 10:16 am
Been kinda more down lately than my normal "being down" mood. Looking back on my life and where I am today mentally and emotionally doesn't bring a smile to my face. In my life I never was noticed, never had any talents, wasn't a rocket scientist. Socially I was near invisible. Never dated or had any relationship, don't even know how to get one let alone keep one. 27 year old virgin who feels an absolute failure at life. I think to myself daily that I truely wish I could do it all over again, or at least go back to when I was young and nieve and didn't have any clue to the path my life was about to take. In my 27 years, I feel I have achieved nothing. Mentally I feel 13, socially maybe 13 as well.
I occasionally hear or see someone from my past (they don't remember me) and am amazed at how good they are doing at this point in their life and I am not. I went to school and ate lunch with my senior year a kid who now is a famous pro athelete and has worked with 2 companies designing shoes with his name while being a pro in his field. 2 other people that I went to school with that took over their family's multi-million dollar construction companies. 1 who took over his family business due to tragic circumstances, countless others who went to war, some who have come home, some who have not. Plus many more married, happy people that I grew up with throughout my school life. All successful.
Then that makes me look at myself. I have always had social anxiety, depression, etc. All the way to age 19 I lived with it pretty fine. Then from 19-25 I looked for ways to try to kill the pain. Weed was the biggest, then alcohol. I did weed so damn much that now if I do it I have uncontrollable nervous system and heart problems that I could have died from a few times now. Drinking gives me heart palpatations pretty nasty the day after. I decided after my last really bad experience that it was time to change myself. I gave up those bad habits and haven't gone back for 2 years and have no plans of ever doing so again. But I was so good at hiding it that I never missed a beat with school or work. I worked 2 jobs and went to a community college full time. Accelled at both work and school while trying to numb the pain. When I walked away from my bad habits, I also walked away from the bad influences / friends that could / would have dragged me back. So I did make positive life changes.
So now I am left with no friends. I walked away from a lot of people because I was tired of being taken advantage of. I have always been one to help others. I have always been a dedicated friend, but once I get screwed over or I see I am being used, I cut you off instantly and I never help again. I just don't trust people at all any more and am always trying to figure out someones "angle."
Back to successes. I have been a physical labor person my whole life. I just could not sit still in a classroom or behind a desk, and feared what my life would be like if I took that path. I never could figure out or pin down exactly what I wanted to do career-wise. My family thinks I am crazy for decided to start my own business because it is not what everyone else does. They are all really successful where as I am not. I started this business with my bro 3 years ago and every year it had doubled and tripled in profits etc. So we own 50% each and all expenses are split evenly. But after all the work and after paying taxes, I just barely made it past the national poverty level. It scares the hell out of me how much more work is needed to become middle class. I cannot do 90+ hour work weeks all the time like I do for 4-5 months out of the year. With all of this business expense, I never could afford to move from my parents house yet. My business's equipment costs a lot of $$ so it takes most of my profit always. But the only bright side is that I own every single thing I have ever had, have absolutely no debt at all, have a savings and retirement savings. Just cannot afford to become "normal"
But what most people see is a 27 year old guy who achieved nothing and lives with his parents. I tell you this does not help self esteem. I have none. Haven't had any for years because I see myself as others do, not counting some of the reasons for why I am who I am. Another problem is that I am a hopeless romantic and all I want is love and acceptance and a partner to go through life with. I see any chances of this gone or almost gone. I have always believed in helping, doing good towards others, karma, working hard, not cheating etc. All it has gotten me is to distrust most people because they don't act the same towards me as I do towards them. I never had a girlfriend or relationship, no sex, only kissed 1 time when I was 19 or 20. Women won't look at me, and the ones that do, I hate to admit it, but I'm scared to even try anymore. I don't want to feel the rejection once they see that I am not like others. Also a big factor is trying to explain why I have no friends, live at home, don't go anywhere, am obcessed with my hobby, never had a relationship, don't just go out and try to nail women, etc. Being my age and no experience is painful and is a huge red flag to any women.
I notice a trend in my thinking over this last year of myself trying to justify and convince myself that I am better off being alone and not to get into any relationship. But also this horrible feeling I get from never being loved or cared for from anyone other than family. I want it, I have made positive life changes, worked on trying to be like most people in society, but no progress.
I have been told by many people that I need to get a life. I hate hearing it, but I cannot explain to them my problems. I do see some positive things in myself that I would think could show women that I could be a decent pick:
-hard worker, can fix anything, never pay someone to do anything (so I can save $$)
-can easily speak and understand things on an emotional level
-dedicated friend / companion, but if screwed over, I'm gone
-110% against cheating
-non-judgemental
-no debt
-decent on the looks
-I can cook, clean, do laundry, great with kids
I would think I would have some points, but I feel that all that I have said in the previous paragraphs eliminate all points I may have had and am now in the negative zone. I also don't have any free time to myself to really even find a girlfriend. My brother is just like me only more to the point that he just doesn't give a sh**. But I cannot go anywhere without him ever. So I cannot even try to meet women myself because he never leaves my side. I try to go on my own but he always wants to go and gets mad if I don't ask or take him. Sometimes I have to lie and say I am going somewhere he hates going to just to have some alone time and meet someone. This has also been a deterant. My family and even some clients that know us over the years all say that I will never leave my parents house, and if I do, my brother will be living with me because I will never find a women and the only way I can afford to live on my own is if he is with me.
So after all of that, I just connot imagine ever meeting someone to accept me, even if I have some good qualities. Plus I don't know where to look for a women who is similar to me, and have nevr even met a women like this. I think a women who feels or understands me would be the best match but time is really flying by and I don't want to find this person when I am 60 and lost out on all the fun and excitement of love and relationships in my youth. But I think my youth is dead. I am quietly freaking out inside. Ever since I quite toking and drinking, I bury my pain with constant work and my hobby and try to leave no time for dwelling on it, but at every small amount of free time I have, it's in the back of my mind. If karma was real I would think I should be happy. I mean come one, last year I saved a 90 year old neighbor that fell on her patio and layed in the snow calling for help for 5 hours while being snowed on. Doesn't that count for something? But if karma is real and me doing that didn't change anything, then I must have been some really evil bastard in a past life that deserves no happiness ever.
Just had to get that off my chest. I feel better, I don't expect people to read all of this, there is a lot of random thoughts everywhere. Just a few points of my thinking that never get spoken. Everyone have a good night
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