What's your blue story?

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After eleven months you'd think I'd be over it, but when she's near, my feelings just start to bubble and boil out of me, feelings of betrayal, feelings of loathing, feelings of loss, feelings that make me want to cry while at the same time burst out of control in a fit of anger then to break everything around me. I get these feelings everytime I stand anywhere near her, it strains me to push it all down and bottle it up.

Her name is Caelli, and she's the only human being I've ever told about my Aspergers Syndrome, the only human I've ever told about my father coming out of the closet, and the only person I have told about the despair I used to deal with. We were going out for six months and in that time we opened up to each other, I told her my secrets and she told me hers. But one day I just had to break up with her because as much as I loved her, her moral compass was not of this world; she broke my trust numerous times, such as in one case dumping me for another guy and expecting to get back with me a week later (after a huge argument, I did give her another chance) and so many things in-between that I wont say now, But the last straw was when I found out that she was at a party without me hanging out with some guys, and that she was telling her ex-boyfriend she still loved him, and him likewise, all in the same night. My brain told me what to do, dumb her, so I took the leap and it's just been terrible for the past eleven months after that..

And now back to the present; I thought I was way over her until she approached where I was sitting, she came over to talk to my friend, then those exact same feelings boil up again... I told her to leave.. my friend, who was talking to her, accused me of merely hating her and didn't understand why I had to tell her to go away, but my other friend, who was a lot more perceptive, and frankly, smart, said he doesn't blame me, and him being him, I wouldn't doubt he knows that I always get distressed around her.

That feelings just lingered all day ever since then, at least some of it feels like it's been transferred out of me and into this text

I guess i'm saying this to vent and for sympathy, It's awful, and its got me feeling really down, down because i'm still nuts about her..

Anyone want to share with me a similar venture of conflicting feelings and brain? I'd be happy to listen, or rather, sad.

Toxic ex. Happens a lot more than some would think.

It took me at least 4 years of just staying the hell away from one of mine before I got past it. As much as I told myself that bothering to resent her for what happened was a waste of effort...