I'm struggling badly

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I don't even know where to begin with this.

I moved into a houseshare in August. I was really pleased at first as my housemates are so lovely and we all get on well. I managed to explain to them that I'm different, that I struggle with some things, and they could not have been nicer about it. They've just accepted me as I am. This is the healthiest environment I've ever lived in.

But now 3 of them are in the process of moving out. The house, although beautiful, has had one problem after another, (boiler faulty, cooker faulty, bathtub leaking, no fire alarms or CO detectors and no certificates that show the safety checks have been done, to name but a few) and the landlord lies that he's getting things done and doesn't, or gets one of his mates in to do the work and we don't trust him that these people are qualified, they seem to leave things in a worse mess than they were to begin with.

So now there is me & two couples in the house, plus 3 empty rooms. All the people who have come to see the rooms have been couples, and there's no way this house can hold 11 people. The living room and kitchen are not big enough, there isn't enough fridge/freezer & kitchen cupboard space for 11 people's things, and only one room has an en-suite, which means there are two showers and toilets between 9 people. There's no way it can work.

Plus I couldn't stand to live with five couples as the only single person. I hate single life as it is, I'll be coming home to constant reminders of what I desperately want and always have wanted and can't have. It's going to be hell. That, and I'll have to get used to six strangers again. This isn't what I signed up for at all. I've been crying most of tonight over what is happening with this place.

And before I moved, I lived with a landlady and I had a cat there, she offered to look after the cat until I was settled in my new house. And after I moved, she stopped answering the phone or the door to me. I thought she was a friend and she just stopped speaking to me. And she has my cat, who I am missing like crazy.

Around the same time, a man I really liked and things seemed to be moving well between us went off with someone else and announced it to me in public, and again he stopped speaking to me. We were both members of the same group and he started obviously ignoring me in front of the rest, and I had to stop going there as I felt so humiliated. The group comprised much of my social life, there were people there I really clicked with, and now that's gone too.

I'm thinking of quitting Facebook as although I use it to catch up with friends & family in other places, every time I put it on there's a house been bought, a new job or promotion, an engagement, a wedding, a baby scan pic, photos of parties I wasn't invited to. The way normal people live. The way I want to live, and can't. The pain feels unbearable at times.

Then there's the whole problem of not having a job, not being able to keep a job as I've been bullied out of every permanent one I've had, working temp at posts that are way below my capability, usually reception which I hate, but I need to do as I need the money and don't need the gaps on my CV.

Probably goes without saying that I'm treated like dirt almost everywhere I go.

Most nights my last thought is that I hope I don't wake up. What's the point of another empty meaningless day of existence? I read posts on here and it seems the overwhelming majority of people on here are in similar situations and I wonder if that is what my forever is. I could have anything up to 50 years of this ahead of me. And I don't want it.

Can we say this person you mention is a crazy cat lady? Yikes. You need to get her a subpoena and sue her for your cat, generally animals are considered property and you guys made a verbal arrangement.

I've said it once and i'll say it again, Things are perception.. the overwhelming majority of people on here are either AS, Autistic, PDD-NOS, and believe they are such because of their difficulties overcoming social situations. The posts in the haven are for support for people generally having a hard time or who need to vent and so they lean towards such. Just because people go through these things doesn't mean there aren't people who improve on these weaknesses. I can't say I don't understand, I do and i'm sorry you're going through it.



People don't remain the same after 50 years.. or to be more precise we change a little each day whether we want to or not but it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative change it can be a hugely positive one.

by all means, take whatever legal measures are necessary to get your cat back.

couples haven't moved in yet. it's sad when your friends move out. can you keep in touch somehow? don't assume things will be horrible before you know how they will turn out.

i'm 56. i learned to small talk and got married for the first time after age 50. a few times i have been so discouraged i considered suicide, even attempted once. i'm glad today that i'm alive. i'm underemployed, but it's a pleasant job with decent people. after being unemployed for a good spell, it's a nice change.

i agree with you wholeheartedly about not getting a big hole in your resume. that was hard for me to overcome and still is.

I don't know how I would stand legally on getting the cat back. (I'm in the UK.) My cat is the kitten of ex-landlady's cat so I don't know how I would prove that the cat was ever mine. I have the paperwork from her neutering and jabs, but there is no photo in it so it could be claimed the papers refer to a different cat entirely. And ex-LL could claim I moved on and dumped the cat on her, which I didn't, I've been blocked from seeing her. But it is my word against hers. I trusted her as a friend so didn't put anything in writing, everything was agreed verbally (I don't think they are legally binding here). The only witnesses if any would be her friends who would collude with her. Goodness knows what stories they have probably been told about me - I try not to even think of that as these aren't people I see any more.

My old housemates were all up for having a house cat (especially since we have seen mice in here!) but now I'll have to see if the new ones are, it's possible they have phobias or allergies, or plain don't want a pet.

I am going to keep in touch with my old housemates, we got on so well and we've all said how sad it is that the houseshare is breaking up - we had 8 great people who gelled so well, we had the same kind of outlook on issues like tidiness, noise levels etc. that most housemates end up arguing over! The house is lovely and in a great location... it's just all the problems we have had with the building itself that are a constant stress.

But something good has happened this morning. It seems weird but when I'm at my lowest ebbs, something that brings some hope tends to happen right when I can see no way out - a signal from above that I'm supposed to keep on going, maybe? I've had a call from my recruitment agency that a 4-month contract has come up and they want to put my CV forward for it. Obviously that means an interview, but my agent clearly thinks I can do it! It is paid enough that I can save some money, and best of all it covers Dec/Jan/Feb which are always thin times in the temp-working-world. I'm trying not to get over-excited as I haven't got the interview yet - I should hear by the end of today (it's 3pm now).

And I'm so glad both of you said those things about how life can change and problems can be worked on. It is too easy to forget that.

Im not familiar with UK laws but I think it is universal in western nations that the landlord is responsible for the safety of the building.

If this was in the US this is what would generally happen:

1- Read over your rental agreement. Find where it states the landlord's responsibility for the structure.
2- Write a letter to him outlining the safety issues and condition of the building and a request that he have certified personnel do the repairs would be the first step. Take pictures of the affected areas. Point out #1. Keep a copy of that letter for your own records and send him the letter via certified mail (he has to sign to receive it). State a reasonable time frame you expect these repairs to be done by (usually 2 to 3 months is acceptable).
3- Do not enter into any agreement with him verbally. Do everything in writing with you and the landlord having signed copies of each letter.
4- If by the specified time the repairs are not completed by certified people you can take him to court and demand the repairs be done or your money be refunded for hazardous living conditions and breach of contract.

Insisting the work be done by certified people is paramount. He cannot be sending his handyman buddies to do half ass work. Heck, the CO2 and smoke detector issues alone are enough to land his butt in a lot of legal trouble.

When and if he does send certified people , ask them when they arrive to do the work to show you their certs. and get the company name they work for. Usually landlords try to pull off bringing a handyman friend and being there with you when the work is being done so that he is the one that 'signs' the work papers. Hence ask the person for company name and cert. ... if he cannot provide it just take a picture of the guy with your cellphone or camera and ask them to leave. If they do not leave (landlord will argue/fight with you) simply call police to remove them. As long as you rent the place the landlord cannot impose his ownership of the building as a right to be in your living space. (at least in the US!).

I phoned the council's Housing Advice line today. They have logged my complaint and said they will be in touch within 10 working days. I'm impressed as I didn't really know how to go about reporting this but found the Advice Line on a google search and phoned it to find out who I needed to contact. It turns out the council has a department that deals with tenant relations in privately-rented accommodation. (Unfortunately where I live it is necessary, affordable decent housing is hard to find and there are a lot of slumlords out there. Same as most large cities I suppose.)

It also turns out that as none of us housemates are related, each bedroom counts as a separate "household" even though we share living room, kitchen and bathrooms. This makes it an HMO (house in multiple occupation) and the landlord should be registered with the authorities and the house inspected to prove it is habitable, safe and not overcrowded. So the council is going to check that all this has been done. (I suspect not!)Again, I had no idea about this, so I'm putting it here in case it helps anyone else. I knew that one house divided into separate flats/bedsits was an HMO, I didn't know a houseshare like this was one.

It does feel good to know that things are getting done.

Another piece of good news is that I got a call from the local Mental Health Team (that is who my GP referred me to when I told him about all the difficulties I've been having all my life), they did an assessment over the phone with me last week and they called today to offer me a course of sessions with a psychologist, the technique is like CBT but is tailored for people with social anxiety & difficulties. I'm now on the waiting list which is 8 weeks long, but that means I'll be starting in the New Year and will have continuity (it runs for 16 once-a-week sessions), rather than starting now and stopping over Christmas to start again. And my housemate (the one that has left but I'm still in touch with) is a mental health nurse and has said CBT has a great success rate.

So strange how in just one day things have moved forwards so much. It always seems like I have to reach the bottom to come back up.

That's great! I'm glad that worked out for you.


Wish we had something like that in the US.

thanks for replying to my post. so many folks don't bother. glad things are looking up.