Need advice on my situation

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I've been feeling down for the past couple of months since my last relationship, and I can't socialise very well at all IRL at the moment. The break-up (which I had to initiate) and my mum's interference all knocked my self-esteem.

I don't like my mum. About a couple of months ago she told my college my life history when I told her not to. I found out she did it from my college (with a lot of eye rolling from them). At the same time she tried to interfere with my last relationship by telling me things like there was no point in me moving if I was going to kill myself, and mum even tried to involve my sister. Of course, when I confronted mum about her getting my sister involved, she denied it. She also said to me that the guy I was with made her angry, and me riding his motorbike was what had caused her depressed for the past 2 months. She put on that stupid moany voice too. I was ready to forgive her for what she did. She apologised, but acted as if she had done nothing wrong. "Well I'm sorry your relationship ended, but he really made me angry. When you told me you were riding on his motorbike I didn't know what to do". I had a go at her saying it wasn't her place to even do or decide anything. She treats me like a child.

I'm feeling very paranoid at the moment that she'll tell my life history to the place I'm going to volunteer at. She has a history of interfering - she's got in touch with previous colleges and schools and actually asked them to tell the students to talk to me, and even tell them about my AS. It's humiliating. She tells everyone all of my fears - everything.

I live on my own in a council flat, and I love living on my own. My mum lives up the road from me now (after she had to wait to move to Essex from London for over 10 years), and I feel like I'm being watched, especially since she started at me about the motorbike situation when my neighbours saw me riding one (she's scared of them). I've only just moved, but I really want to move again far away from her. This is another reason why I'm feeling so down. I feel like my privacy has been invaded. I might have to tell her that I want her to move, or I will.

I'm visiting a couple of places to volunteer at tomorrow. I need to feel like a person with a life again. I have this plan that I'm going to find a job after getting experience, and eventually move far away. Yes, I realise it probably won't work out, but I can try. I want to move to somewhere like Edinburgh, because it's far away from my family. I don't like my family anymore. Even though my nan was in hospital a couple of months ago, I don't want to see her because she heavily guilt-tripped me too (suggesting I got life insurance and telling me she couldn't sleep because she was worried).

She's told me to hold onto this council flat, because they're like gold dust. She's very right about that, but I don't want to live near my family anymore. I want to escape. Is there such a thing as a mutual exchange between Scotland and England?

In case you think I'm one of those people who over-react to things - my mum's partner had a word with her about her interference and told her she, "Completely handled it the wrong way" and "Handled things badly". He agreed with me that she has no right to interfere in my life. He's raised his voice at her before about interfering. My mum doesn't listen to anyone, btw. And my sister, her boyfriend and I all think mum is a nutter. My sister hates my mum and keeps away from her. She's also jealous of me because mum is so obsessed with AS and brings me up in conversation all the time. Note though that she doesn't see me as a person. She really doesn't. She sees me as a disabled person with AS. When she brings me up in conversation, she tells everything about me as if I'm a disorder myself. She even said to me once with a big glaring look in her eyes, "All women with AS only get in contact with you if they want something". Note that whenever I do tell her about my life, she doesn't listen.

The last 3 times I've been to college, I've cried and people have asked what was wrong. I couldn't exactly tell them why.

So, basically my questions are:

1) What is the best way of getting away from my mother if I'm jobless?

2) I think for the next year, as I'm studying this last year of accounting, I need to hang around. After that though, I want out. So, meanwhile is there anything I can do to keep my spirits up and my sanity intact?

3) Since I love London, maybe I could get a move there or in one of the other home counties. Is a mutual exchange to one of those possible too? Like my dad, I wouldn't give her my address. Though, his reason had more to do with paying for child support.

4) I'm really scared to seek voluntary work tomorrow, because my self-esteem is sh*t at the moment. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

if she were my mom, i'd never talk to her or to anyone who might get back to her with what's going on with you.

the only thing i agree with her on is motorcycles. i used to work in an ER, and we called them donorcycles. no matter how safely you drive them, they aren't respected by cars. two of my cousins died in motorcycle crashes and my brother-in-law is permanently disabled from a motorcycle crash. his passenger died. motorcycles are unsafe. driving a car is the most dangerous thing most folks do. motorcycles are much worse.

good for you for finishing school and looking for volunteer work. try not to let your mom know where you work or even that you work. she has lost the right to know about your life.

Well, it sounds like you know that your mother's toxic for you, and that she's having trouble (for whatever reason; doesn't matter as from what you've described nothing justifies her behavior) relating to you as yourself, who you are, rather than a person with a disorder.

If you can, taking time to visit Edinburgh sounds like it could help. I love the place; planning to visit during Hogmanay.

It also sounds like you're resolved to complete your degree work for accounting. Good on you for that. As for how to keep from going nuts for a year... As above: try visiting Edinburgh. To be practical about it: consider it as an excuse to look around at what sorts of housing situations could be available this time next year.

When you're feeling down about being driven 'round the bend by your mother, try to hold onto the idea of not letting your mother control your life like this. Sounds like I'm making your situation trivial, but I'm really not. In the end, that's what it comes down to: whether or not you'll let your mother's sins affect your emotional wellbeing as well as your social situations.

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you all for replying, it made me feel much better. I just hadn't replied because I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I think I will visit Edinburgh, and maybe visit a couple of my friends there. I think I'm decided on moving into London though, then at least mum can't check up on me too easily.

As for the donorcycle thing - I don't think I'll ride motorbikes. That's also contributed to me feeling down, not only 'cos it's linked with my mum's inteference with my ex...but I absolutely loved the idea of riding a motorbike...but with all the research into it I've done, it just seems far too dangerous. Before I thought, "Yes, I can finally have a big hobby I really enjoy!". I guess I'll have to find another hobby, but honestly, I really don't want to give up the idea of riding a motorbike.

I didn't end up going into voluntary work, but I'm still going to do it. What's holding me back is this state of mind I'm in. I'm slow because I'm down, and I can't communicate with anyone at college. I just feel so lonely at the moment, but IRL I don't appear interested. I just don't know how to go up to anyone ATM and just talk to them without appearing like a creep. For about the past month I've barely communicated with my own friends (and have pissed them off).

Usually I'm not too bad at communcating. I might get things wrong, but generally people are OK with me. Since the split, my self-esteem has been knocked, and I fear I'll be just as quiet within the workplace.

It says I'm a good communicator on my CV (excellent communication skills) but it feels like a lie, and if they see me "in action" trying to talk to people, they'll see it as a lie. Yet you're supposed to put that kind of thing - am I right?

And, would it help if I mentioned AS?

Its good you ask specific questions but I don't feel I have any answers, not being familiar with the ins & outs of the social programs there.

So I can only give some general feedback.

Yes, your Mom seems to be very out of line with interferring, and sharing your private info. In fact from your description she is one of the more intrusive persons I have heard about.

Most all parents have some difficulty making the transistion from controlling guardian to co-equal adults. Eventually it can come to you having to be more insistent on her respecting your privacy and value as an adult individual. It can result in conflicts between you, but you have to stand your ground to a point or they won't change.

You are already working on the path to independance, and so its mostly a matter of being patient and proceeding with your plans and efforts.

Volunteering is an excellent step & I think you don't have to worry about the interviews so much. I mean its natural to be nervous & thats ok, but don't really sweat it. Organizations that need unpaid volunteers are actively seeking out anyone that is willing. With so many organizations needing volunteers its really you who can take your pick. Its not like seeking a paid job where you are competing with other applicants and the business can take their pick. Sometimes volunteering is also a track to a job. You get training and experience and 'face time' (exposure to potential employers) at no expense to the company and seeing a person do the job is the best evaluation for employers.

You seem to have a good attitude & my instinct tells me you will do OK in time.