Leaving me to rot...

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I'm at sanity's edge, and at this point skirting towards, beyond and in between quite easily. All the council did practically is put me in a flat - as far away from all life as possible, and yet in the midst of death with all the vehicles in the world - 'struggling' is the definition of the first step I took inside this place. Now it's full of flies due to rotting food (I am far, far too depressed at this point to care) and I'm starting to think it hilarious that I even bothered to try with college in the past year. It was like - and I'm not exaggerating, on a personal level - climbing Mount Everest every day. This year it's more than impossible, though, and quitting it is merely a symbol at this point.

...oh, but I did recently recover a memory, at the very back of my mind, in which I knew when life was definitively better, and it then just rotted more and more like the skin upon a person when aging. When I was in this hostel... having people to talk to at any time. What a luxury. What insanity have I brought myself into? How do I escape this forsaken life of mine? And, so, I applied anew... and guess what? THEY'RE GOING TO REJECT ME BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MANY NEEDS! How can this be possible in a civilized society?! PLEASE!

If there's such a thing as psychological suffocation I have reached its very limits...

Last edited by Mootoo on 23 Nov 2012, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sometimes, things just get too big and too much. All you can do then is to switch off all emotions to get through. Even the depression.

Go onto auto-pilot. Throw out the rotten food, clean like a robot. Just to be useful and doing something for yourself. At least you won't be living in chaos. Living in clutter and muck just drags you down further.

Then, think of things you can do to get yourself out (I'm presuming you are feeling lonely/alone). Being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Sometimes it's enough to stop you going insane just to be among other people even if you aren't interacting with them.

Take a bus/walk whatever to a library. Sit down and read a book or go on the PC, near other people. Go to HMV and put on some headphones and listen to upbeat songs, alongside other people. Go to the park and sit on a bench eating a sandwich, near other people.

Anything, to stop yourself going stir crazy.

Then, now you realise that the only person that is ever going to help you is yourself, find that survival instinct from somewhere and fight. Get angry, whatever it takes, to keep going until things get better.

When you feel less low, maybe enrol in some adult education courses or something to get you socialising.

If you're not taking meds, now would be the time to see your doctor? If you become suicidal, go to your nearest A&E.

Good luck. Hope this helps.

Oh, maybe a cup of tea will calm me down too...?! No, it's come to a point where I hope that society will be lenient with its failings and let me be in a mental hospital, at least. What I'll have to do to be admitted, though, could as easily throw me in jail.

But... hehe, any one of those will get me out of this nightmare.

Well, if that's your attitude towards my concerned advice then I won't offer it to you again.

I hope someone else gives you some advice you appreciate.

Try, one step at a time, to sort yourself out. I read the British papers quite regularly and it seems there's a lot wrong with the system there, and that their prioroties are all wrong.

Do you have any family / support system? If not, there must be someone you can turn to. Even if you have to volunteer to assist some charity or welfare organisation that might appreciate your help in exchange for a place to stay. Define your interests - you should be able to find some support online there are people that do care... despite this rather crazy world...

I never even heard of Aspergers until I was 45. I had a hard time at school but since being disgnosed my life has improved. I even atended my school reunion for the first time last year and many of my class came forward on facebook or in person to apologise for the way they treated me...

I've been through many different situations and can therefore sympathise with most situations.
Am compiling a book about my life story in order to inspire others.
Food very seldom gets a chance to rot in my little cabin as I get food that I enjoy eating and keep things simple to prepare.

Rise above the challenges and don't let them get to you! I've run 10 Comrades marathons - that's a run of 89 km that takes place once a year between Durban and Pietermaritzburg in S Africa.
I have also gone hiking a lot in the mountains. I know these things may not be possible for you but the point I am making is that all these things build endurance, which makes one feel more confident.

You can also pm me if you want to...

Ross.

whirlingmind: sorry, didn't mean to offend you. I appreciate the fact you were trying to cheer me up, but I did actually try many of those ('mind over matter' solutions... or the other way round) and - like drugs, actually - even if they work, I'll always end up straight back to the cradle of misery (and it is, you must admit, incredibly difficult to simply 'shut off' emotions).

envirozentinel: no family/virtually no support network, which is most of my problem...

Hey, Mootoo:

I just couldn't help but think of the absurdity in society. I wish there was something helpful I could offer, but you have all my hope for something better for you. The words "psychological suffocation" are poignant.

LM

The sad thing is Mootoo that in the UK that's how they treat people like us!
there is no real help in trying to help people with AS get to the stage where they feel that they have some quailty life..it's a case of there you go you have somewhere to live and just get on with it!
you never get the support you need in order to make a real change in your life..and if you have social problems no friends or anyone to turn to that just makes life so hard to deal with.

I think the UK has to start really trying to understand that having AS is just not sticking people in a flat and leaving them!
some people in the UK that have AS have multiple problems and they have to try and understand that leaving them to rot like this is going to cause an even bigger problem for them in the future.

I am just like you..one of those ones that are just left to deal with it!...so understand where you are coming from
go to your doctor and spill the beans! everything about how you feel..and maybe just maybe he might be a wee bit understanding and get you the help you DESERVE.

Offering practical advice is a very AS thing, which is what I was trying to do. It's much harder to deal with the emotional side (especially over the internet). And sometimes, if you address what you can do practically, it at least distracts you a little.

I've been where you are, on medication which just made it feel as if all the depression was just caged inside me, stuck in a bedsit alone, and in the end it was purely my survival instinct that kept me from going under. Don't lose your survival instinct.

Maybe try to get creative about what you can do, like I said before, it's only you in the end that can change the situation, because everyone else fails us.

Put your pain onto paper, it is somewhat cathartic writing down how you feel.

You say you have virtually no support network, that means there is at least some, even if it's just one person go to them and ask them to help.

It sounds like it's the living alone without enough social contact which is getting to you the most. Maybe there is an AS group in your area that you could go to?

whirlingmind: a group that meets... once a month.

Right.

And by 'virtually' all I mean is professional agencies who've already exhausted all their options, and nothing personal.

It's funny, but a cup of tea really *would* help... Let me explain.

A cup of tea is a small thing, but it's still a comfort. Hot, thirst-quenching, nice-tasting... just a small, nice thing in your life. There are a lot of things like that which you can enjoy, and which will help keep your spirits up and help you hold on until things get better. They won't solve anything, but they will help your morale. In specifically AS terms, they can help keep your stress level down because of comforting or comfortable sensory qualities: A favorite shirt, a sunny window, clean sheets, a favorite song. Really small things, insignificant on the larger scale, but quite possibly might make your life just a little better, and leave you with more energy to use to address the problems you're facing.

[Moved from General Autism to The Haven]

This sounds like clinical depression to me, and you really do need to get professional help for this. Call your GP, make an appointment, and the GP should be able to make a general diagnosis of depression and refer you on to someone who specialises in psychological services. They'll probably also be able to prescribe antidepressants. Find out how much of this you will need to pay for, and how much you can apply for assistance to cover.

When you start receiving professional help, your situation will start looking more manageable. Right now it sucks because you're stuck in the thick of it and it's very hard to envision a positive future like this. It gets very overwhelming, but there will be a time when it looks less bleak. I really hope things get better for you soon.

I'm not an expert on these things but maybe something like fluoxetine can benefit you. You should arrange to see a social worker than can recommend a suitable course of action or refer you to the right people.