Acting like a jerk

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I have been today, to my wife. I've apologized but I feel like crap, lots of self loathing. Yesterday was bad too.

This pattern happens a lot. She suffers because of it a lot.

My mind seems to go into bad, dark fantasies that just get worse and worse. Before long I've convinced myself that my present and future life are and will always be just full of frustration, never-ending and useless labor, oppression, and misery. In that mind set, I think that my wife wants to hurt me and use me, that she wants to demean me and de-humanize me into a subservient, compliant robot.

Today I thought that only when sleeping does this attitude go away. I'm safe then, she can't want anything from me so I don't have to face the fact that I don't want to do what someone, anyone, else wants me to. The realization made me wonder about a longer sleep.

I just want to do what I want to do and when I want to do it without regard to others.

I just really don't like these waves of self-absorbed self-pity. Very few people seem to understand how out of control my thinking and feeling seems to me. They try to help, but they don't understand that their suggestions for change don't work! And I hate their pity and sympathy; it just makes me feel that much more broken and worthless.

I'm waiting for an appointment with a mental health pharmacology unit in Bristol. The drugs I take help some but they don't protect me against this kind of thinking. I hope that I can get on to something that addresses the overwhelmed, over stimulated state and that gives me some sense of energy to face the world.