Failed again, and I'm done.

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What a mediocre year it has been. Worked on so many arts projects that went nowhere. I spent five months on a claymation for a competition, only to get cut in the first round. And now my latest got cut in another competition. The first I tried to give a really honest, yet beautiful story that I thought would appeal and win over audiences. Failed. The second I strove for something more personal. Failed.

People keep saying to me that I need to do the things I do because I love to do it, not because of what I expect to gain. But what I love, is connecting with audiences, and seeing them react to my work. And increasingly it is apparent that I'm nothing to people, and my work speaks to no one. I've got not an original or talented bone in my body, and I have just spent the last year spinning my wheels, making self indulgent crap like this:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xF0QskwkhB4[/youtube]

But it's all a waste, and I'm through. I cannot bear any longer the fact that I've not amounted to a thing, and all my work has been waste. Ten years! Ten years! Am I being tested? How long must I endure before I am to get any closer to creating something that will reach people, finally, at last? I think of all those who were dead by my age, and how much more they achieved. Oh but if I could lay down my life that they would have it, because they have clearly more merit to live than I do. What good is it to live and live a failure, a mediocrity?

And yet, I fear death, and what it could do to my family, which is all I have. I'm trapped. But I want to hurt myself, to punish myself for my weakness. I'm going to do something about it tonight. All my failings can no longer go unpunished, and I'm going to hurt myself in some way. I wish I could hack off a finger or take an eye, to punish my flawed hands and my lack of vision. I just really, really want to hurt myself.

I have honestly had a bad year myself. My employer trusted me to launch an expensive project in Asia that was high risk and high reward. The risk part did me in -- our partner over there disappeared one day, never to be heard from again. The pressure was on for me to find clients in the U.S, but it's extremely difficult. It's a rather premium service that is rather hard to market, and I have no experience in marketing to begin with. Anything that involved face-to-face pitching was very hard for me (as it is for all of us), and the company has run out of resources to support the effort. I just told them there's nothing I can do, and I may still have a role to play. Nevertheless, I may be out of a job soon.

I cannot say how humiliated I feel. For one, this is the second time I have been unemployed in as many years. For another, and much more damaging, I feel I have betrayed the trust of those who invested so much in me. I am not proud of it.

I had a pity party for myself for the past few weeks. I fantasized about jumping in front of a subway train to avoid the hurt. People told me self-pity does no good -- it locks you in a bad place and destroys everything positive you have left. But looking beyond pity is easier said than done.

That's why I have developed a few aids to help. I strongly suggest that you take ten deep breaths where the inhale last ten seconds. In fact, stop reading this and inhale now. Feel different? You will. If you need to, take some more deep breaths. It helped me become more upbeat after what I see as the greatest humiliation of my life. Afterwards, we can discuss other strategies I am using.

Whatever you do, I strongly recommend you refrain from hurting yourself today. At the very least, talk to a live human being before anything.

So this dude has come around to realize that he may not be able to answer all the questions, and he struggles, but to not try is to fail, he must persevere. So what's next for this character?

I wouldn't worry about your level of talent, skill, effort, I mean, that was pretty awesome. Very creative.....and I suspect you know it was awesome....that's the struggle of creative people, ya kinda think your stuff is the best, but you also kinda think your stuff is utter garbage. It's par for the course, and not important.

I'd want to know what's next for this guy?

I can relate to your hopelessness; trust me you are not alone. I got demoted from my going-nowhere office job to an even more depressing floor job. i should be thankful i at least have a job, but the bills are piling up and there's no break in sight.

Be proud if what you've done. At least yourself something tangible with them. My little inane songs and ditties have never been more than me burning off steam at random intervals. You at least have turned your energies into art.

Art is a cruel and thankless, ungrateful passion. How many have poured their souls into something meaningful; a chance to have your insides make sense to someone; and then people are like, huh?

I could be creative, but I can't connect the dots enough to make it all come together; heck i can barely keep a job and my life going. I say for you, keep doing what you love as long as you can afford it. Those of us indentured by debt and executive disfunction admire and envy you. Don't stop, because someone out there gets it. Someone always does.

I was just thinking of you the other day... I liked the previous video, but this one is FRACKING AWESOME!

Anyone who's ever created art will know the feelings portrayed here... this would be played regularly in our National Film Board of Canada... you have something similar in the USA?

This told the story with empathy and artistic flair... don't give up, man... just don't!

BTW, I just watched the video. If that video did not connect with audiences, they have never failed at anything. It's the whole gamut of emotions I felt in the past month or so.

I too remember your previous video and I must say that you are very talented and I think that it shows how much dedication and perseverance you have. I wish that I could say the same for most NT's unfortunately. I see at least 6 people here including myself that enjoy your talents and it would be a terrible thing for us, the world, and yourself to do anything to harm yourself. I know from current experiences that failure is extremely difficult to deal with and have been having the same feelings of failure and wanting to give in after trying and reaching out so much. I agree that there was a major failure here in this project though, and it comes from the audience, for every 100 people that might view your work in a negative manner there will be those of us that it does really matter. To make that kind of impact on just one person is a truly special thing and I can say that is a huge success in life. You should be extremely proud of putting that kind of effort into your passions, that is much more than I can say for most people on this earth. I wish you the best and you are in my prayers, thank you for allowing us to enjoy your video!

I liked that video! 6:36 minutes of my life NOT WASTED watching it. I particularily liked the reference to 'Ecclesiastes'. My favorite book of all time!

Is claymation specifically what you want to do?

I envy your tenacity to even complete a film like this. I have a real problem with second guessing myself and while I have made films before, they are always rushed and sloppily made because I spend so long worrying until the deadlines, in which I throw together any old crap so that I can get it in on time.

Okay, so it's a self reflective piece on a topic that may not universally resonate with people. You've certainly reached me. I can completely relate to this film. I know the fear of failure and the fear that your successes won't last long. I know the jealousy towards pioneers of your craft and the low self esteem and wanting to beat yourself up over everything. I know the feeling of hopelessness, thinking that nothing you will ever do will make anything get better. I've felt suicidal over my flaws as an artist and I continue to put most of my self worth into this.

I'm sure a lot of people feel this way in some form or another, so it's not like nobody can enjoy this film. The only reason I can imagine why it may not do so well in festivals or competitions is because the ending is not necessarily a happy one. That doesn't make you a failure - it makes them failures.

You spent ten years working on beautiful art. That isn't a waste of your time, my friend. Do you know how many people on this planet don't have the initiative to do what you do? Too many. Success is often accidental and there's not much you can do to change that.

I think you should keep trying to submit it to festivals. In fact, have you thought about submitting it to Pictoplasma? They take submissions all the time.

This is the most hypocritical thing ever, but here goes - please be nicer to yourself.

PS: I'm so relieved that there's another animator on this site who I can identify with.

your film is good
you are just look for the wrong audience

Are you feeling a bit better now, Brianruns10?

I really liked your film - you gave the character life and that is what counts. I was worried what had happened to him when he fell off the table and that is a major skill many film makers don't achieve even with real actors ie making you care about the character.

Creative people always struggle as they are their own harshest critics so factor this in and keep going.

I've got no ambition at all and don't appear able to even hold down a job longer than 2 months judging by my current efforts. Funnily enough it doesn't bother me that much though as I never had big plans anyway and am happy enough just being able to read and watch films and TV.

I'm having these wild swings, between being hopeful and empowered and motivated to get things done, and moments of despair, wondering how I'll ever get the money to accomplish my goals, and what if what I make sucks, and what if my whole life is just one big failure. I met friends for a poker game the other day, and when I took big risks, I got cleaned out; but others who took big risks paid off and one the game. Is that a metaphor for my life? Are some charmed, while I'm just a born loser? Because if that is what my future is, I want to kill myself now. Right now, all I have are my parents. They're it, and it terrifies me when I lose them, because then I'll truly be alone. If only I could make a successful film, if only I could then reach people, and peole would want to get to know me, because they'll admire my work and see me as worthy of their interest. As is I walk through life unseen, unnoticed, uncared about.

I have something really great inside of me, that I need to get out onto the screen. Something people will really love, and who will love me for. And what if I just don't have the chops to do it...the business acumen, the social skills. I'm a failed human being, and the one saving grace I had was I (thought) I was a good filmmaker who had something to say and to give back to the world.

But I fear what I have to offer won't be wanted. I saw the finalists, the films that beat me for that contest. They're all mediocre. Trifling films made by jokers who now are thousands of dollars each richer, no doubt going to blow that money on more mediocre films, while I desperately need that money to make my masterpiece. If I could only convey how great this documentary I envision could be, if I can only find the funds to make it. If only people would have faith in me. People say the film won't be good, that the subject isn't appealing, but I can make it appealing dammit!

But what is the point? I'm dead already. It seems all I have to look forward to each day is dinner, and watching movies that are so beautiful and perfect and full of truth and honesty, and just fill me with despair and self hatred because I don't think I could ever make a work like them.

I hate myself, and I curse God for creating me and cursing me with AS, and making life such a goddamn hell. I pray each night that I won't wake up the next day, so I won't have the fear or the guilt of committing suicide. If I could give my life up, so that someone else more worthy could have theirs back...a Kurt Cobain, a Van Gogh, a Fassbinder, I would. They deserve life more than me. I have no right to live.