05 Dec 2012, 11:21 am
Just wanted to write up something, my thoughts are swirling around my head right now...
I've been trying lately to really, really respect and appreciate my parents and tell them upfront on things instead of lie (shocking I know, but even though I suck at it I rely on it because some people would rather buy my BS than hear the truth); so sometimes I want to visit but I don't feel up to it so I sometimes say I'm sick and sometimes just say I'm not up to it. Saying I'm not up to it is a lame excuse to them, they don't understand how/why I wouldn't be up to visiting them (they live an hour away and usually want to spend the whole day with me). Also being sick often isn't working either even though I have chronic health issues (they don't understand them so therefore don't believe them).
I get this conversation today and my mom is saying I always cancel on her when out of more than a dozen visits this year I've only canceled 2 or 3 times. Then she says it's "strange that I didn't reschedule for the following day, I waited a week".... How am I supposed to know that's what's wrong when she just uses an accepting tone of voice at the time? It's like she let's me screw stuff up relationship-wise then remembers it and extrapolates it as "always". And she's not an Aspie too!? Seriously.
Anyway, how do you all cope with being misunderstood and metaphorically "allowed to dig your own graves"? How to avoid this? To me it would be easier on me if I never really visited my parents except for major holidays/birthdays, family functions. They can't tell me how often to see them, I mean, who can? Sometimes they feel like a lot and sometimes not much but I can't adjust on the fly to that randomness. I can go every week, every 2 weeks, every 4th Tuesday, something like that but I can't handle the fluctuation in a relationship. *sigh*
They also seem to be so far very unwilling to understand autism and it's impact on relationships... they just believe they have a normal daughter with some problems. Ugh.... *throws hands up* they can't help with the problems until they understand or at least accept autism and learn with me how we can improve our relationship.
I feel like giving up! I rely on them partially for financial support because of my inability to keep steady employment and I feel like I'm a normal person to them that's always screwing up... how can I make them understand!? I didn't exactly grow up all peaches and rainbows either, they adopted me at age 16 after I went through every conceivable living arrangement since my biological parents signed away their rights when I was 8 years old, after abusing and neglecting me all my childhood.
HOW CAN I BE A GOOD DAUGHTER!? 
05 Dec 2012, 4:16 pm
I've been trying lately to really, really respect and appreciate my parents and tell them upfront on things instead of lie (shocking I know, but even though I suck at it I rely on it because some people would rather buy my BS than hear the truth); so sometimes I want to visit but I don't feel up to it so I sometimes say I'm sick and sometimes just say I'm not up to it. Saying I'm not up to it is a lame excuse to them, they don't understand how/why I wouldn't be up to visiting them (they live an hour away and usually want to spend the whole day with me). Also being sick often isn't working either even though I have chronic health issues (they don't understand them so therefore don't believe them).
I get this conversation today and my mom is saying I always cancel on her when out of more than a dozen visits this year I've only canceled 2 or 3 times. Then she says it's "strange that I didn't reschedule for the following day, I waited a week".... How am I supposed to know that's what's wrong when she just uses an accepting tone of voice at the time? It's like she let's me screw stuff up relationship-wise then remembers it and extrapolates it as "always". And she's not an Aspie too!? Seriously.
Anyway, how do you all cope with being misunderstood and metaphorically "allowed to dig your own graves"? How to avoid this? To me it would be easier on me if I never really visited my parents except for major holidays/birthdays, family functions. They can't tell me how often to see them, I mean, who can? Sometimes they feel like a lot and sometimes not much but I can't adjust on the fly to that randomness. I can go every week, every 2 weeks, every 4th Tuesday, something like that but I can't handle the fluctuation in a relationship. *sigh*
They also seem to be so far very unwilling to understand autism and it's impact on relationships... they just believe they have a normal daughter with some problems. Ugh.... *throws hands up* they can't help with the problems until they understand or at least accept autism and learn with me how we can improve our relationship.
I feel like giving up! I rely on them partially for financial support because of my inability to keep steady employment and I feel like I'm a normal person to them that's always screwing up... how can I make them understand!? I didn't exactly grow up all peaches and rainbows either, they adopted me at age 16 after I went through every conceivable living arrangement since my biological parents signed away their rights when I was 8 years old, after abusing and neglecting me all my childhood.
HOW CAN I BE A GOOD DAUGHTER!?
Maybe there is a solution that can please everyone. You said you could handle it if you knew for certain when your parents would visit. From your mom's responses, it sounds like she wants to spend time with you and connect with you. It would probably make her feel good if you suggested getting together instead of letting her suggest it. She would perceive your invitation as a sign you are interested in her and enjoy her company. It will make her feel like you love her.
You should offer them the solution- that you set aside a specific time for visiting them. Sort of like an appointment. That way, you will be asking to see them for a change, and I'm betting that will make them feel cared for. And you will have the fixed schedule you need instead of random visits.
You will probably have to reiterate to them that you have Asperger's and that is why you need a fixed schedule for visiting them. If it were me, I would write them a letter. You will have to tell them what autism means; if they are in denial then they do not know what you know about it. Specifically, you'd say that you love them and enjoy spending time with them, but the lack of a fixed schedule is extremely hard for you to handle.
You have to set some boundaries with them. And you will have to keep telling them you have Asperger's and explaining what exactly that means. You might be more successful if you buy them a book you think explains your condition very well. Sometimes people handle explanations like these much better when it comes from a book.
05 Dec 2012, 5:22 pm
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