Im scared to reach out.

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I have problems but I need to know what I can say and where the line in that somebody will call the cops because I desperately DO NOT want that to happen. Somebody did that one and I ended up in a state hospital where I was sexually abused and then I was threatened by my Dr when I tried to report it.


Please just listen to what I have to day and don't try to call the authorities. I just need to know that someone else knows what I have to endure and what I have survived.

i PMed you

They frown on those who pass judgment on WP. Feel free to speak your mind.

You can and should consult a lawyer about that Dr. threatening you and the sexual abuse.

I cannot offer you solutions or promise emotional support (I really suck at that ) but if you wish to PM me I could at least provide an opinion or a different point of view that might help you.

This website is anonymous unless you give your personal info. You are also welcome to post your thoughts and problems here so a wider group of people can pitch in. Its your decision.

I sent a letter to LifeofALez and maybe I'll post later with a detailed life history.

The Cliffs notes version is that I have been beaten by my mother because I wasn't normal, despite a DR telling her that I was different. She has also called me a freak and a ret*d.

Ive been in psych hospitals a few times (usually for 3 days, and once for a week) and was once forced to room overnight with a violent prisoner who sexually assaulted me that night. The hospital knew exactly what happened becaise by 8am the next morning had a private double room despite them telling me the night before that there was no place for him except to share a room with me. I begged them to let me sleep in the day room on a couch but the shift RN said no. I tried to report that to my shrink but he said that it didn't happen and threatened me if I choose to report it. The statue of limitations has expired so there is no use of reporting it now.

I can't hold a job because of depression, anxiety and other Aspergers related problems despite having an IQ over 130. I have to live with my mom who continues to be verbally abusive and demeaning to me and expecting me to act NT despite her knowing about my condition. I also have another problem that is somewhat common among Aspies but id prefer to not discuss that publicly.

I am on disability but I cant get help and the money won't pay for an apartment.

I hate my life and I don't knew were to go to get help because Drs just want to give me happy pills that don't work or make me actively suicidal.

Will it pay for a room (or at least for a good amount of it)? You could try renting a room.

No It won't and I still have expensive medication that I need to pay for. A Dr botched a surgery that needs to be corrected and I cant afford that either. I didn't ask to be born this way but evidently it is my fault. I'm tired of crying every night and I'm tired of having to protect myself from the hateful statements of others.

I'm down to occasionally playing $1.00 on the occasional mega-millions to try to get money for the medical treatment that I need to stay alive.

I graduated from school and went to college and worked as long as I could. I even enlisted in the military but my depression got in the way and I was discharged before the end of basic training. Ive been physically and verbally abused by my family and sexually assaulted when I was supposed to be protected.

When do I get the help that I need? What happened to take care of the sick? Who do I have to beg or do I need to sell a kidney?

I'm almost sorry that I opened myself up to this forum.

Hi Episette,

Though that is a very sad story, I don't think you will get your justice (if that is what you want) without getting the police involved, and although you are probably and rightfully very emotional about the incident, being emotional against the police or while in court will work against you, especially as the doctor sounds like someone who will claim you are not of sound mind.

Although this is probably the last thing you want to do, perhaps you could have a look again at where you were abused and see if there were any cameras, any rooms nearby where you could be heard and people who could verify what happened to the police or court.

I wish you the best of luck, feel free to message me if you feel like talking / ranting.

Tossing ideas here...

The amount you receive may not pay for rent and your needs where you live.... have you considered moving to a less expensive city or state?

On your abuse/threat issue.. do consult a lawyer if you have not already. Consultations don't cost anything in most law offices. I find it disturbing that these people are getting away with this

I live in a very inexpensive state. It's not like I live in NYC or SF.

I don't understand how someone can keep a house and get a livable SSDI payment but if I have a few dollars saved for previous jobs I don't get squat. I don't have a house and my car is 15 years old. I couldn't even buy a fleabag trailer with the savings that I have and I need surgery that no insurance will pay for. Are you starting to see why I wonder why I keep waking up because my life is going down the drain and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Why bother with a lawyer? I'm social refuse in the eyes of many so its just not worth it. I didn't ask to be born like this and I do do anything to cause it but I cant get any help to fix the situation or even make my life any easier so I sit here knowing that I am helpless while I wait to die. I did my very best but it just isn't good enough.

I'm in tears right now and shaking so I hope that are you happy. I'll go cry myself to sleep for the hundredth+ time

Aw c'mon thats not fair. I would not be happy at all to see you crying for this. . I'm trying to see if there are things you could try to make things better.

As for the lawyer i'll just say this: As long as you accept that nothing can or will happen because you think you're not worthy of it then nothing will change in this situation. I do not even know if you've already spoken to a lawyer before so I'll say it again: Get a free consultation. There is nothing to lose (its free) and you can at least get an informed opinion as to if you have the option of legal action against those that abused you. The worse that can happen is the lawyer will tell you there is no case possible... FINE at that point you will at least know you don't. If you do on the other hand you could have closure for what was done to you..and perhaps monetary compensation for it which you could definitely use.

You could also speak to local churches and explain your financial situation to the priest. This is because churches generally have all the connections to support institutions and charities which could assist you...particularly with that surgery you need. They could even assist you in many other areas... like housing and even job placement.

Please don't give up.

Nobody here can call the authorities on you. We don't know where you live or anything. We also get a lot of suicide threads and stuff and while people post on the threads, and PM the person, nobody calls anybody. We also get a lot of threads where people say they want to kill a person or wish they could blow up or shoot up a place, etc. Same thing happens.

We do understand that when you are really upset you can say all this stuff that you don't really mean or aren't going to do. Now, if you were to post a detailed plan of a terrorist attack, somebody might just contact somebody, but they would probably PM you first to see if you wanted to talk about whatever was upsetting you and then give you a few days to see if you calmed down and felt better before they did anything.

Lots of people go way overboard with how some people vent. They accuse us of taking everything literally, but when we say "I want to go kill that b*tch right now, and I could do it too!" they take that as "I'm going to go commit a murder". What you need to learn to do is this. When venting to somebody you don't know well, preface a potentially alarming statement with "I'm not going to do anything like this at all, ever, I'm just saying that sometimes I feel like I just want to <whatever sadistically pleasurable revenge you would like to exact>" If you are talking to someone in a longer conversation, and you know you are sounding potentially violent or fatalistic or whatever, occasionally reassure them with "Please don't take any of this literally, I'm very upset at the moment and these words just seem to fit my emotions, not any plan of action".

I once had a cop come to the door when an acquaintance I was talking to called them after I said "Oh my God, I'm going to kill myself! I've had it! I just can't take it any f*cking more and I'm going to get in the bathtub and cut my wrists!" Well, I was upset but I didn't mean it literally. I meant that "I'm so upset that I feel like I could do this if I wanted to die, but I'm not gonna do this, because if I wanted to die I would just go do it and not spend 45 minutes telling you about the horrible situation on the internet". But some people, you have to spell everything out for.

I'm tired of trying any more. Ive asked and begged for help and still I get told that there is nothing that anyone can do for me.

I cannot live with the past of my mom beating me across the back and buttocks with a leather belt, yardsticks and wooden spoons because something that I couldn't control and then calling me a freak and a ret*d. What did I do to deserve this and why was she beating a defenseless child that I thought she was supposed to love and protect me? She was my mother and I thought that she loved me. The Drs told her that I had a learning disability but still she beat me when i cried. Why did she hurt me?

Life hurts too much and I'm too old and apparently too stupid to do anything meaningful. Its hell waking up knowing that your life will never get better and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop it. My tears are dripping on the keyboard as I am trying and I can barely see though the tears to type.

Where is my quality of life or is that something that ret*ds and freaks are not entitled to? Ive lost count of the numbers and the ways that I have tried to kill myself. It's been 30+years of absolute l hell that I have survived.

I have SSDI but I still cant get an apartment of my own so I am safe from her and the insurance is worthless for my medical conditions. I'm sick and tired of worthless shrinks and their f'in happy pills that only make me more suicidal. I need surgery to correct a birth deformity that I'll never get so I have a body that I cannot stand and it hurts to be trapped inside of.

Please don't let me wake up.

Ive had a hell of a week and I just checked back to see if anyone bothered to reply to my questions. Im tired and I don't want to wake up again ever.

I spend last months disablity check on Christmas presents even though I don't belive in Chjristianity, so can I please just die because Ive met all of my social obligations. I has SSDI but I still don't have medical insurance to treat my problems and I dont know where to get it. I hate being alive.

My birthday is on the 21st and I hate birthdays.

Why should I belive alive when my own mother thinks that I am a freak an a ret*d? She physically assaulted me as a child and thinks that I should be able to move on when all I can think of is being hit with a leather belt and then having yardsticks and wooden broken over my legs and back. I'm TS and I was sexually assualted in a hospital by another pateint. How much more pain must I endure?

Does anyone give a damn? I'll go cry myself to sleep and hope again that I do not wake up because nobody gives a damn about me to help me.

I am going to second what is said about lawyers.

You won't find any peace until you find justice.

Just want to say I feel helpless. I care and wish I could make it go away.so this Mom gives you a virtual hug.