Now I've been taking to dropping money!

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And I don't mean as in spending lots of money indiscriminately; I mean as in LITERALLY dropping 10's and 20's for anybody to find.

As some of you Planet-eers are aware, I got in trouble with the law almost one year ago for scratching up two cars in the parking lot across from where I live. Long story short, I got busted, served a summons, paid a fine, and...

...it's not over. In my mind, I'm STILL repenting. It finally took me until April to work up the nerve to walk to the 7-11 again, and even so, it was just to assure the woman there whom I liked that I was still alive, and haven't forgotten about her. But as a toll for myself, I dropped a 20 in the parking lot, roughly where the incident happened, not even caring if someone completely unrelated in that mess found it and kept it.

And over the past 8 months, I never stopped. Almost every time I ventured out to do small shopping, I'd drop another 10 or 20 in the same place. The court may have decided that I've rightfully paid off my debt to society, but I say, in the words of John Rambo, NOTHING IS OVER! NOTHING! I could be an old freaking man, and as long as I live in my current location, I'll NEVER stop dropping money, NEVER stop expressing in my own way, how sorry I am for doing such a dickish thing. And yet I'm aware that, to other people, it doesn't prove anything, except that I'm wasteful with my own money. Well, SO WHAT?! This is what I deserve.

Now then, I expect it's only a matter of time until a certain someone on this board responds and attacks me for being so foolish with a heaping helping of sarcasm thrown in.

Yeah...I'm looking at you, OliveOilMom.

You wanna lambaste me? Then come! Wield your 'tough love' and CRUSH ME! I WELCOME it!

And other people are welcome to comment too.

Fluttershy11

I just want to know where you live so I can follow you around and pick it up when you drop it.

Thats all. I got enough on my mind right now to worry about what you do.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Sooner or later you are going to have to learn to forgive yourself. What you did was a crime, but in the grand scheme of things it wasn't a big deal. You have to move on from this incident, and I am sure you will never do something like this again, so so were the courts.

You gotta do whatever works for you.

I find it interesting that you choose to expiate your guilt by a kind of random giving. It's almost as if you want your apology to be private. I can understand wanting to make up for what you have done, but not feeling comfortable with directly approaching the person whose car you scratched. But you may be holding on to too much shame. Some is appropriate. You should feel sufficiently ashamed to make amends and not do it again. That is about the right level of contrition. No one would reasonably expect more. But if it eases your mind to leave some money for someone else to find and you can afford it without hurting others who might rely on you, then, by all means, do it as long as you need to.

But also remember it can be a bit like self flagellation. When I was very young... around 4 years old, I lived in the Phillipines. On some holidays, people would walk down the street whipping themselves. I remember the cuts and the blood running down their backs. Even at that age, I thought "well, that's a little bit excessive."

Do what you need to do, but try to make sure you have a balanced idea of what is right. You might have done wrong, but that should not condemn you to an eternity of trying to redeem yourself.

Perhaps you could consider volunteering your time in places that help people rather than throwing money which may or may not help someone.

Plenty of volunteer organizations need help...and very few require actual interaction with people. just a few hours of your time a week.

I spent a few hours this month at an org. that recycles soap from hotels...they melt it, clean it and re-make bars of soap that are then sent to kids in SE asia and Africa where one bar of soap could save their lives.