2012- It is too much of an up and down year, but this is where it all started.
December 22, 2011. Three days before Christmas. I was living at the last place and one of my roommates pulled me aside at one point and told me that it was in everyone's best interest that I move out. I knew right away that my Asperger's and isolation had something to do with it. It also didn't help that they were all from the same town and I was the odd one out. I did have an infection prior to that and the anti-biotics may have forced a depressive state, and I didn't recover from that quick enough. I eventually injured my eye on Christmas eve back at home and spent all of Christmas day in bed because it hurt too much to keep my eye open. Lucky there was no damage, but this was another setback.
New years eve was spent at a strippers bar... how depressing is that?
Two days before my bday in January, I finally had my meltdown in traffic on my way to work. I have a blog post about this particular incident. I was given off three days at work to recover. During the three days, I spent time replying to adds for places to live and coming up with an action plan for better overall health and wellbeing. I was eventually going to quit smoking and focus on improving my mental well being.
I move into the new place and get a long with the new roommates, and they are all from the same hometown I am from. I once again become more active in fitness routines and start getting on a few dates. The dates are pretty bad at first, but it doesn't shake me, and my loneliness does bother me a little. But I never feel down about this. Finally get to have a good day out on St. Patricks day and I am at my happiest and most fun to be around. The real source of my happiness is not really disclosed to anyone, but I knew that would be my last night as a smoker.
I start chatting with a girl about 7 years younger than me, and I remember going for one hangout with her and there were many factors that made me feel like a young man again and it resulted in both of us having fun that night. I had quit smoking, my fitness level went through the roof, and I had a girl that seemingly liked me. Well, it turns out the girl was an attention whore and this bothered me when she stopped replying to my texts and flaking on me. Mind games: I didn't expect it, and I sure didn't need it. I left her alone, and somewhere in the middle of all this, i relapsed and started smoking again. The smoking relapse is what I credit for causing my next meltdown as I couldn't accept that I allowed myself to be defeated.
I told the story on here before as to how I showed up to a good friend's birthday party and the young girl happened to be there. My friend insisted that I show up since we grew up together, but I had serious reservations since I knew the girl would be there. I showed up and later on I realized I should have skipped out on this birthday party. My actions on this night really creeped this girl out and I realize this now. We would not speak to eachother again afterwards. In all fairness, she did lead me on as she initiated a kiss with me as I was saying goodbye to her at the end of the night. I looked for more and she turned away.
I went into complete shutdown mode for a few weeks. I was eventually given a week off at work and this turned out to be the recovery I needed. I returned to work and didn't miss a shift for 3 months either. During the time period, I struggled to get some time in with friends and was still unhappy about things, but my emotions were more clear. My summer was being wasted, and then I decided it was time to get into a meetup group.
I went to three or four meetups in August and someone took a liking to me. I didn't initially feel any attraction and I would not allow a kiss between us the first night because she was drunk and I wasn't (bar after the meetup). Went on a couple dates with her and then went out with her on her birthday where we finally kissed. Eventually things started working out well and even through a couple rough patches early on and things looked good. I eventually brought up the idea of a relationship with her and she sounded unsure. I made her cry that night later on after having too many drinks myself, but she wouldn't let me leave. I don't think I ever truly forgave myself for making her cry. This kind of ruined the night for her and I offered to make it up to her.
Eventually my insecurity got the best of the whole situation we had ourselves in. I noticed her become less happy and I was not certain if it was me or if it was some "seasonal depression" she claims to have herself. Through hanging out with her a little more, and even with my encouraging her to get out and enjoy herself, I realized that it was a lost cause. I am not sure if I was causing her to feel down and she couldn't communicate it to me. She was sick a lot as well, and eventually I got myself sick and may have hit another shutdown stage. Finally, I noticed something on her facebook one day and she commented on how "positive people need to be around her and the negative will just drain her." I also noticed that any previous posts she had of me or mentioned me in were hidden or deleted even. I asked about this and this is how things ended. But it ended through text message the next day while both of us were at work. It was a mutual ending and she must be lying to herself if she think thigns ended well considering the circumstances. When i went to pick something up from her place, all I did was grab the item I came for and walked away without saying a word. This pissed her off more than you could imagine. Further text messages indicated that she felt we would talk again one day, but I know full well not to believe it. I burned the bridge because I got myself into a depressive episode and cut off all contact with her. I even realized that I was to blame for everything, so what reason is there to talk again anyway?.
My shrink helped me realize that things were going well, but I can't allow myself to keep happy and eventually engaged in a self-fulfilling prophecy. A mututal friend of mine and the girl said the exacct same thing to me. My depression sunk lower and I was of course given a couple days off work to deal with things. During that time, I had a rebound and then eventually I had to cut off contact with this person because I couldn't properly guage her interest level in me or if it was there. I am actually not upset about this at all.
I am starting to notice after this year, that I can't seem to find any way to keep myself happy and I choose the path of self-destruction rather than improve myself too many times. Obvously, the idea of a seasonal depression is now out of the question and I am begining to wonder if a bad chemical reaction to any drugs I took when I was younger was the cause of this on again, off again depressive feeling. I knew I kept myself happy for three years, and I managed myself effectively during that time period. But I am starting to think the anti-biotics was the beginning of this. I also was falsely diagnosed with ADD as a kid and given Ritalin and that itselt caused a bad reaction. The only thing I can do now is get a doctor's opinion and see what they say. I am noticing that fitness can't seem to help me break this depressive feeling. I also notice that my interests seem to be declining and I simply don't want to do anything.
I am not a believer that anyone actually enjoys my company and for whatver reason have had thoughts that noone would care if I died or not. I haven't commmunicated with any friends in three days now and it will be interesting to see if anyone actually says anything to me anytime soon. I got the worst time of the year coming up for me as I have Christmas, New Years and my birthday all in a 4 week time period. Usually that time period each year is never kind to me. So I am beginning to wonder if the worst is yet to come, or if it is already over.
07 Dec 2012, 12:49 pm
