Wretched

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My head is so clouded with depression and confusion that it's hard to even begin to frame a post. The futility of putting to words the mess I've made of my life and everything surrounding it. It might be easier for me to make a laundry list rather than well formed paragraphs.

1. I'm a government leech on SSI for schizophrenia and possibly asperger's syndrome. Basically fear and inability to relate to other people in person leads to a lack of ability to maintain employment before my paranoia and fear that death is around the corner end that employment in disgrace. I just can't deal with other people, I drive myself insane when they're around. Somehow word got out, or else people drew the conclusion that I'm a leech, and now as if my interpersonal issues weren't enough, people are automatically biased against me. I tried doing the right thing for months with questionable success but still get the same treatment. Life doesn't necessarily get better when I try.

2. My father died the past month. I had a shakey relationship with him, and now it will never be resolved. The only person who can redeem me is dead, this is the way I see it.

3. My brother never ceases to guilt and bully me when I'm around him. Passive aggressively he makes comments about how useless I am, and drops my pschological triggers in order to set me off. He hasn't succeeded in this in over a year though, I've managed to keep my cool in all that time. On the bright side, his influence over me is waning, but I fear that he's set in motion a plot to poison me or give me a disease in order to inherit more and also out of spite. I hate him so much. The worst part is he's incredibly good at making friends, and they all side with him which often sets them against me. I feel utterly alone as it is, and more so when I'm around him. I wish I could just leave far away and never see or hear from him again. At times it seems certain other members of my family are against me and taking his side.

4. I don't feel like trying anymore and if I'm completely alone, disgusting, and reviled by others, what's the point? There's no way I can overcome the odds against me to get my life where I want it.

Hey there, people that get a social grant from their government are not "leeches" unless they are cheating the system by drawing money on behalf of a deceased relative or something... the fact is that if you qualify for a grant you should not describe yourself as a leech. Some of us are not able to maintain the equilibrium needed for a steady job.

You should have as little contact as possible with your brother and try to make friends with people on this forum who understand your frustrations. I've been through many a bad experience and have learned to move on. Since being diagnosed I have tried to get as much info as possible and it has helped me immensely to find forums where others like me can exchange ideas. I am considering writing a book about my experience with AS to hep others come to terms with it, and for others to understand us better.

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father, my real father passed on in 1995 and I still regret that I never called him that evening just before his death when I had the strong feeling to do so... but with time you will be able to move on. Honour his memory by resolving to be strong and start sorting yourself out one step at a time. Do feel free to pm me if you want.
Rome was not built in a day. These issues can be resolved but your emotions will feel clouded by sorrow at this time.

Sincerely, Ross

I'm sorry for your loss.

You are not a leech, but a person with a serious health condition that is in no way your fault.

When you are feeling depressed it is very easy to feel hopeless. Please don't give up. I think Ross's advice is good, you need to take it step by step. Trying to make changes when you are recently bereaved is a lot for anyone. Try taking it slowly, day by day. People here will try and offer you support if you find that helpful.

I'm guessing your brother probably doesn't want to kill you. If you're schizophrenic that's probably a naturally occurring paranoid thought process. In reality, he may harbor some resentment if you were a high maintenance child; maybe he felt ignored or something.

Being in your position makes you susceptible to unfair judgment. You could be a shut in who can't do anything and someone will say," Well you could at least help that old neighbor lady get her groceries in the house!" If you did that, that wouldn't satisfy them either though, they'd just say "Well if you can help her with her groceries, why don't you get a job at the supermarket?" People can be so cruel.

On the other hand, you can draw from the vast well of undestanding and support that is WP. We're all a mess here, in someway or another, and though nobody else may get us, we do.

Write 10 things you're grateful for. Think of one happy moment you had with your bro when you were kids. If you can, help an old lady with her groceries. Just don't tell your brother about it!

It sounds like you need to move away from that brother. Not sure if you have other family, but being around him doesn't sound good for you at all. You have valid condition(s) that warrent SSI, so try not to feel guilty. That is what it is there for. Make a new start away from people already biased against you.

Thanks for all the quick responses. I read them immediately and they made me feel a lot better. I take medication to treat my paranoid ideas. While it prevents new ideas from cropping up, it doesn't help much to dispel the existing ones. I can't really see them as delusions, as they seem very real to me, and it would take a really elaborate set of hallucinations to think that all I hear from people isn't really being said. Anyway, I won't get into that, because it's always a dead end anyways, as I find it hard to elucidate every detail that pertains to it.

I'm not under the same roof as my brother at the moment, but that may soon change. It helps to blast music in my ears so I won't overhear anything I can misinterpret. Even if there's something to it, there's not a lot I can see to do about it. Calling the police and subsequently being proven wrong would probably ruin my credibility if a tangible threat arose. Alright, I will get into a certain suspicion I have, I've suspected that my brother runs surveillance on me, whether with the help of friends or installed devices, or hacking my computer. There's a good deal that could be divined from that, as many of my thoughts are surrendered to the search engine. Sometimes, if I didn't know better, I'd think people can read my thoughts.

Anyway, like envirozentinel suggested I'll try to take it one step at a time. I thought I might try my hand at crafts and try to generate money that way, or just use them for gifts.

Thanks again for the encouragement and tolerance. It's not easy to find in the real world.

Don't think about being under the same roof as your brother if you can in any way prevent it, as that would exacerbate your fears and anxieties. If you want his influence to wane you have to assert yourself just a little and refuse to be under the same roof.

Hoping your situation will soon improve and that you can move on. Use the support networks you have, both locally and online such as here, where there are folk that understand and are not judgemental.

Argh, I don't know, sometimes I think my brother is really cool and can be nice to me, but other times (and interestingly enough when I'm off medication my view of people in general depreciates) it seems like there's a little barb in everything he says to me. I don't know, he's just one of those people you like more when you aren't living with them. I'm a bit confused about him and feel somewhat guilty sometimes that I'm talking bad, but no harm I guess since this is anonymous.

I had discontinued medication for about a week or two, which was ill advised as the psychotic ideation returned to trouble me. I started up again about a week ago again and now I feel a bit better. It makes me feel very tired though during the mornings and it's hard getting out of bed. I'm taking half what I'm supposed to, trying to ease myself back into it, but don't want to take the full dose as I felt like an absolute zombie and life wasn't enjoyable at all on that high a dose. A positive thing about it was that I was able to sustain employment in a stressful, trigger-abundant environment for about three months (granted, having had at least three episodes within those three months and constant fear as it seemed like there were certain people watching me and discussing me.)

Anyway, still going to look for ways to make money, as most of what I get I give to my mother who I live with. A regular job is crazy though, I can't expect myself to do it given the body of experience I have crashing and burning.

A form of intermittent paranoia seems to be fairly common among those of us on the A spectrum and I have also had such episodes from time to time. Including the idea there may be some kind of conspiracy going on against me. The medication I receive from the State hospital mental health clinic is Oxazepam and also fluoxetine, both of which do help, but the Oxazepam can make me feel sleepy, so I only take them when I want to sleep or when I need to calm down quickly.

You could counteract the "tired" side effects of your medication by using a multi vitamin or some type of natural energy tonic maybe.

I've had a few meltdown problems in my life, and generally find that I have very brief episodes of anger which can result in me breaking things in a fir of frustration, but I can be completely calm a few minutes later and forget, even if other people around me haven't!

I am glad you are able to see both sides of the picture and realize that you may have been over-reacting. Your brother may well care for you much more than you realize, but be unable to express it properly. It is unlikely that he genuinely hates you. It's not alsways easy for us to know what others really think! Sometimes, actions speak louder than words and can show a lot.