Finally figured something out

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For the past few months as I've been getting closer and closer to this little breakdown I had, I've been just frantic trying to get somebody in this family to show me some little bit of love or emotional support. The only time it happens is when they either want something or when my husband does a little bit, then I relax a little and get happier and he turns around and does something twice as hurtful, snatching the metaphorical rug out from under me. I've talked until I'm blue in the face, begged, pleaded, explained, bargained, placated, did for, etc, for every one of them in hopes that something I did would make them act like they give two s**ts about my feelings.

Nada.

Well, more crap happened since the weekend, and I've actually finally got a clue. It's just not going to happen. Yeah, I'm sure the love me but they make me the fall guy for everything. I take the blame for everything that anybody else does, whether directly or indirectly. Then they find ways to "punish" me for whatever they think I did (such as hubby laying out of work and us being broke) by being rude, mean, giving me the cold shoulder, etc. I have gone into a lot of stuff that goes on around here, but not everything by a long shot. I'm honestly treated like crap by everybody around here, even though I bend over backwards to do everything for everybody.

So, I guess something finally got through this thick skull of mine. I'm just not showing them any more emotion. None. When they feel generous and nice and want to say a kind word to me, or tell me something funny or interesting, they won't get a reaction. When they feel vindictive and spiteful and want to be mean to me or rude to me or say hateful things, they won't get a reaction. I'm not going to give them the silent treatment, but I'm not going to show one single one of them any more personality, warmth, feelings, etc than would a maid. I don't mean a live in maid that's part of the family like Alice from the Brady Bunch or Mammy from GWTW, I mean somebody who comes in for a couple hours a few times a week to clean the house. I'll be pleasant and smile when somethings funny, and I'll be concerned when something is unpleasant, but I'm not going to give them anything more than superficial interaction, the same way someone would who is in customer service at a store or something.

I've decided this for two reasons. One, it seems that they sometimes seem to almost "feed" off my reactions and when I'm upset it's like they almost 'tag team" me to make it worse. I don't think they sit around and plan this on purpose, or that it's anything conscious on their parts, I'm not paranoid, but for whatever reason, thats how it happens. It's like my being upset somehow encourages them to be worse. They aren't getting that anymore. Also, they seem to feel that they can treat me anyway they want to then turn around and whenever they want everything to be upbeat and happy, it will be and I'll go along with it. Nope. I've allowed them to treat me like this, and I've been so desperate for some kind of love from them that I'd put up with anything if only I could feel like I wasn't just some old thing that they are forced to be around when they are home. Know what? I'm better than that.

I sit here and tell people all the time not to take crap from others, and to do this and stand up to that one, etc etc. While I do stand up to people outside my family all the time, and when hubby actually has hit me I've hit back and hit back harder, when it comes down to what really can and does hurt me, being disregarded by my family, I'm a freaking hypocrit. I just took it and took it and got myself more and more upset, to the point that I was practically insane. I'm done with that.

I'm not going to be rude, not going to give them the silent treatment, not going to do or say anything at all that would be upsetting, etc, but for my own sake I'm going to have to cut off any display of, or expectations of, feelings or emotions in anything regarding them. In other words, I'm just going to be superficial and not buy into their "one minute mean, the next nice" BS. I'm sure it will be difficult, and I'm sure I'll still feel hurt quite a bit, but I think that now that my mind is made up that I'm not going to try and get them to treat me like they care about me or actually like (as opposed to love - I know they do love me in their own way) me, I'll have a sort of psychological wall up there, so it won't hurt as bad. Eventually it may not hurt much at all.

In other words, I've just flushed every expectation whatsoever of having any kind of emotional attachment from my family, and any expectation of any kind of emotional support or show of caring from them. If the change in me eventually makes them realize that maybe they have been doing a hell of a lot wrong and change, good. If it doesn't then thats fine too. I'm not sabatoging myself because I'm not doing this to manipulate them, I'm doing this to manipulate myself. If I make myself act like I don't care anymore whether or not they like me or care about how I feel, then eventually I will start to feel that way. I'm not going to be cold or mean, I'm really just done. Because if I don't do this, I'm literally going to go insane. The whole situation has driven me over halfway there already and lately, as you can all tell, I've been standing at the edge of it with one foot hanging off.

So, even though it's a week early, this is my New Years resolution. I care what I feel, and I'll do what I should do for my family, and of course care about them, but all the BS about feelings and needing their affection and love, well that's past. I'm caring about my feelings now because I'm the only one that does.

So, wish me luck. Maybe this will keep me sane.

I'm probably one of the biggest advocates for marriage and forgiveness in a marriage, but olive every single post about your hubby makes him sound terrible. No.. he doesn't just sound terrible--he is.

As soon as you casually mentioned the fact that he hit you, the whole emotional neglect thing went out the window for me. It was literally cart before the horse so to speak. Hitting him back, is what he deserved--leaving him is what he 'needs'. A man who cares about and respects his wife doesn't hit his her and people in a healthy relationship shouldn't hit each other--period.

Things can happen in relationships, somethings you wish you could take back or regret sincerely, but when you're truly sorry you make an effort to stop the nonsense. Ask yourself, has he even come close to making such an effort?

With your kids, they are responsible for their actions but man if they've witnessed any of this stuff going down or heard how daddy behaves when he's at his brothers house, or have ever seen him hit you--their negative attitude could easily be a product of their environment.

I have several words for you missy. And these are from a real man

Witnesses: make sure you have some for when he hits you.
Police: File a police report next time he hits you. This gives you documentation.
Divorce: LEAVE HIM NOW!

A "real" man does not hit a woman. PERIOD! EVER!
He is engaging in emotional abuse as well as physical. Get counseling and DIVORCE HIS ABUSIVE a$$. AND take him to the cleaners financially.

Last edited by Adventus on 27 Dec 2012, 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

Have you ever heard of Byron Katie? You can learn a lot about what she teaches by just visiting her web site. She's a proponent of something she calls "the work" but basically it's a method of taking responsibility only for our own feelings and actions and not for those of others, and finding peace in that. She has written a few books as well.

I'm not promising it will help you in your situation, but it might be worth a look just to see if it clicks for you.

http://www.byronkatie.com/
http://thework.com/thework.php

She's kind of amazing, IMO. I haven't read much of her writings, but just reading a few dialogs at her blog helped me get through a tough time where I was having feelings similar to what you describe. It's just a way of not letting others' stuff get to you. I like that although she is selling books and CDs etc. she offers enough information on her site that you can get a lot out of the method without spending a cent. It's also not at all religious. She uses the word God occasionally but completely without dogma or bias and as a way of expressing Reality.

I appreciate that, and I agree with most of it. However I need to explain this. I've been in an abusive relationship before. My ex was very abusive. This isn't that. Here's why it isn't. First, it doesn't happen very often (I know that if abuse happens even a few times, it's still abuse, but listen to the full explination about it first please). Also, for some reason the man can't fight. He just cannot. I'm tall and thin and he's tall and well built, but he doesn't know how to punch, he doesn't know how to block, he doesn't know diddly and if he hits me once then I usually end up with several good licks in before he can even get in another one. I always win when we go at it. It's not "wife beating" its "fighting". I've hit first before, but usually not, and if he's mad enough to hit me or push me, then he's not thinking at all and I go flat out on him. He's never been in a fight except with me (he says he has when he was younger, but either he's lying or he got his butt kicked then too) and he usually just manages to intimidate other guys instead of getting physical with them.

If he were being physically abusive, I would have his ass locked up in a New York minute, but he's not. He gets around those rednecks he works with and comes home thinking he's all Mr Badass and gets drunk and we get in an argument and he tries something. It doesn't work. If he knew what he was doing and actually hurt me, then yeah it would be physically abusive. As it is, it's probably more embarrassing for him than anything else.

The police idea would be a good idea if I marked up fast. I tried that here before. (He's only been this way really since we moved down here, and as it is it's only a couple times a year) This one time he started up some s**t and I hit him back a couple times and we had been rolling around on the floor fighting with each other (the kids were NOT here) and I got up and called 911. I was gonna have him locked up! Well that didn't work. See, he marks up very easy and I don't. I just had a little mouse on my eye but he starts bruising up fast and I had nails on when we started and he got scratched up some (I don't scratch in a fight, this happened when we were on the floor) and even though he hit me first and has a good 4 inches of height and almost a hundred pounds on me, and he was drunk and I was not, they said that if they came back out that night they would take me to jail and if I kept insisting that somebody go to jail, it would be me because he looked worse than I did.

I've been before after he's hit me when I've called. Same reason. I looked worse. The next day after I was showing my bruises I told them look at this. Take a picture and show this to the judge! They told me "We ain't taking no pictures of nothing, now hush!" So, nope. No help from the cops unless I actually let him kick my butt, don't defend myself and get actually hurt. No way.

I can usually steer him away from getting to that point but I get so mad at him and the mean things he says that I end up reacting. He likes to make me mad enough so I do or say something so he can feel like I "made him do it" Ha! Yeah, I made him get his butt kicked. Right. My point of what I've decided is that I'm not reacting to him anymore. In fact, I'm treating him like an acquaintance. No more Mrs Nice Gal, and no more letting anything he says hurt me.

BTW, I don't want my post to sound like I'm trying to play myself off as some sort of badass, because I'm not. I can hold my own when I have to, but most likely most guys his size would easily put me on the floor for the count. I am only able to win when I fight with him because he doesn't know what he's doing. His dad would never let either of his boys fight and because their dad said so, they didn't. Now he grew up into a grown man who can get his ass kicked by a girl. The kids have a friend who is an ameature boxer and he's brought his gear over before in the summer and for fun the kids will put the gloves and helmet on and go outside and fight with each other and we have both done that for fun too. He's pretty good when we do that, and if he actually fought the way he plays around with the gloves on he would win, because he can throw a good hard punch then, but when he's mad, he doesn't think. The first punch is good but after that, everything else goes out the window. He also can't take a punch. (In a real fight that is, playing with the gloves on he can, but you have to let him have a second or two between them) You hit him one time and he gets mad and can't think right and just starts in with some sort of strange combination of roundhouse punches, badly carried out pro wresteling moves and occasionally if he's drunk enough, some sort of basterdized version of a martial arts scream. It's never pretty.

I am kind of worried about you. You seem like a nice person and you deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. I read your reasoning for your husband not being physically abusive twice. It still sounds like you are saying that he isn't physically abusive just because he sucks at actually accomplishing it. Most people would consider someone a thief if they kept trying to steal from them. Even if they sucked so bad at it that they got caught every single time. The desire and willingness to do the deed is there. Why wait till they figure out how to do it properly? You say that your husband has tried to hit you. The desire and willingness to do the deed is there. Please don't wait till he figures out how to do it properly before you take steps to insure your safety. My sister was in an abusive relationship once. It took getting beat so bad that the guy thought he had killed her to get her to wake up to her situation. She is a very different person now. Definitely a lot happier. Don't settle for not being in pain. If I remember correctly, you posted some pictures a while back. You are a very beautiful woman. If he can't appreciate you, someone else can and will.

Wishing the best for you whatever you decide to do.