OCD, Trapped, Suicidal

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I cant take it anymore. I Feel So Hopeless.

I wish i could trust someone enough to tell them what i really want to tell someone. Its about something that happened to me when i was young. I feel ashamed and dirty.

F**K my life. I have a whole box of Olanzapine with me, I'm very tempted to take the lot.

No one understands me, no one really knows what has happened to me, I just cant tell anybody.

f**k I cant cope with this s**t anymore.

when something happens to a young person, it's not their fault. the dirt and shame belong to the person who did whatever to you. draw a picture of them and tell it to take back the dirt and
shame if it's not safe to do that in person.

There was an incident that happened to me when I was about 10 years old that haunted me for years. I finally told someone about it when I was 30 and that helped a bit. Now I recognize that I was not to blame, but it has taken me many years to come to terms with it.

Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss it. I can understand feeling shame over incidents from childhood. My own OCD turned what was a relatively innocent thing into a huge monster that I feared for years. I wish I had been able to let go of it sooner. I hope you can let go of yours.

Hi there hammor, Feel free to PM me as I am very open minded and don't make judgements. You can't help it if something happened beyond your control or ability to prevent. It would be good if you could seek professional counselling, but if you don't feel comfortable with that, talk to one of us because we care. More than NTs do. And understand better than you think.

You can put this past behind you. Not easy, but thousands have. Channel your anger and hurt in positive activities such as special interests.

I am waiting to hear from you because I see you as a friend, since we both post on Off The Wall for one thing...

enviro z.

I have struggled with OCD. Here are some things which have helped me:

1) the zen approach. It's just a thought. Maybe I'll do the extra precaution and maybe I won't, and either way is perfectly okay. This helps somewhat to detoxify the thought.

2) part of my health and safety issues are realistic (and I was afraid of both germs and chemicals). And other people kind of cannot engage in these conversations. In some basic ways, most people are fundamentally un-curious.

3) And if it's a longshot risk which might befall me, people are dismissive, in a way in which they're not dismissive if it's a longshot risk which might befall them.

4) So, it's going to take a while before I met people compatible with me. And that's okay. A little bit, this helps to give me a light touch.

5) I try and stay open to free positives.

6) Art, writing, other connections.

7) I try and learn useful health information. For example, if a child seems to be recovering from the flu and then relapses with a high fever, that's a danger sign. For that relapse may be bacterial pneumonia. Flu strips epithelial cells from throat leaving person more vulverable to bacteria around. And presumably this is the case for adults, too. But, people aren't all that interested even in this.

( So, yes, I do get pretty disappointed with people at times. )

9) And yet, the world will become more open as more people learn about and accept the autism spectrum. That people can be different in fundamental ways.

10) I can talk about some of my health worries in terms of sensory issues. This gives me another language.

11) And winding back to zen, which I think has a lot to offer in a thoroughly inexact way.

HammorHorror, please stay with us. Although we may not become friends, we can be good and respectful colleagues.

The past of course can't be changed. But as far as having someone to finally talk to, that still can happen. Not thats its easy, cause even in the best of circumstances it is hard to find that person. I know it took many years for me to.

Up ahead there are points where you will probably intersect with the type of person you will be able to talk to. It will probably happen more then once. Those intersections will not take place if your not there though.

But since it has come to this crisis I think you should see a counsellor now, as soon as possible. Talking it out with a stranger, a knowledgable professional, has a good chance of relieving some of the strain, enough to make it tolerable.

I myself have not had good results with counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and the like. Really, I have found them to be ideologues and prima donnas. Yes, I have. Okay, maybe about 20% are good, but a bunch are not, and I personally have not had the good ones (0 for 3). Straight up, I think a person probably has better odds talking with a barber or hair stylist willing to talk and listen, and who has some street smarts, and who is not going to be so bogged down with theory.

And Hammorhorror, this does open up another possibility. I'm not sure who prescribed the Olanzapine, but if it's for depression or anxiety, really any doctor can prescribe that, including a 'regular' doctor such as an internist or family practitioner. With the standard proviso that often it's important to step down from a medication in phases. You have a free choice what kind of doctor to see (or at least you should, depending on what kind of health care system).