Everything we do in life seems to be for validation or in some way related to impressing other people. That's the conclusion I've come to.
It seems no matter what I do, what I get good at, people don't like me much. Or very few people do. I've made I guess the point of my life, like, getting good at... stuff. Cooking, working on cars, ice skating, lifting, people do seem to appreciate in some way that I'm sorta useful, but nobody seems to appreciate me for my personality or whatever. So people will call me up like "Hey, I need help with my car." But they very rarely wanna like, just be around me.
I've come to the conclusion in my life that I'm scarily close to like... Chris chan or something, in my social ineptitude. It's not shyness that's the problem for me, it's the fact I open my mouth and annoy people by being a dick, I guess. I talk too much about myself, basically only talk about my interests, and very little capability of talking about or understanding feelings. I had an AIM friend awhile back passive agressively block me because of those reasons. I saw him on another account, and asked him why exactly he blocked me. Another AIM friend blocked me recently after years. I can only come to the conclusion I am in fact a douchebag. I had a real life friend sorta do the same thing, just sorta IRL block me after I left my old church and I was no longer seen as a friend obligation or whatever.
People say "Oh, you need to do more social things." No. I've tried that and. it's not for lack of extroversion or outgoingness. I'm just a social idiot and nobody or very few people will like me no matter what. I figured my way around it in my life would be to get better at things to compensate. But, why's it matter? Even if I end up looking like an Abercrombie model or having a nice car or making money, and gaining some more social standing because of it, it doesn't matter, because there are people in the world without those things who have happier lives with more friends and girlfriends who have it just on basis of having a "nice personality" or whatever.
In my efforts to self improve, why? There's gonna be someone with a better personality who will "win" anyway. Why shouldn't I just be 300lbs and spend all day playing Fallout if no matter what I do people won't like me because I was born with a brain defect that makes my social skills crap.
I try to be more optimistic than this on here usually, but this thought has been lingering for a while.
04 Jan 2013, 10:21 pm
