Confused

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Not been feeling great. People in my group of friends are either growing distant or our relationships are becoming strained. So I don't really have anyone I feel I can talk to most of the time. When I get into arguments with them or they criticize me (and often not without reason), I don't know what to listen to that they're saying because I don't know when I am in the wrong and they are in the right. I would just listen to everything they say to be on the safe side, but I don't want to be a doormat. It's not usually anything blatant I do. I interrupt people, am often indecisive when they want/need me to make a decision, react dramatically to romantic drama (no yelling or passive aggressiveness, just angsting), and fail to pick up on social hints (although I don't care as much about this, because it doesn't happen often, and I've told them its better to just be direct). They all have their neuroses, and most of them acknowledge they are likely also on the spectrum. I just have no idea if their criticisms of me are valid because I don't understand what goes on in my mind and highly doubt they do better than I do.
My mom is dogging me to apply for summer jobs for when my spring semester at college is done, and she wants me to apply to four jobs before the semester starts (I've been on winter break the past three weeks). But I've been too anxious or depressed to have the energy or motivation to deal with the whole application process. My mom believes I'm avoiding the job thing just because I'm lazy and likely places some blame on my partaking of certain botanicals (hint, hint), but neither of these things are serious contributing factors to my avoidant behavior. (If anything, I would like to have a job for the purposes of making my own money so I wouldn't have to feel bad for obtaining all such botanicals from my friends).
I tried to connect with older friends during break that I hadn't talked to for a while, but nothing substantial ever materialized. All attempts at pursuing romantic interests have also been met with disappointment (not because they reject me, but because I notice some part of their personality that would not bode well for a potential relationship).
Tying into the romantic thing, I also have had great difficulty feeling strong emotions of any kind. I try to maintain my composure and unbiased rationality at all times, but by not letting my emotions influence me, I just find that I do not care about anything whatsoever unless it negatively affects me personally. I am not bothered emotionally by current events, because I have faith in the rest of mankind in eventually solving their problems, and I just find tragedies regrettable and sad. I never feel outrage because I do not think it is a useful emotion. Most of what people in the news do is a panoply of farce and foolishness anyway.
On top of all of this, and stemming from all of this, I just feel very, very alone. I feel misunderstood and arrogant and view everyone with great pity and mild contept. I wish I had people I could be intimate with, and that I had genuine enthusiastic infatuation or love but I either cannot admire or respect a person enough, feel they would not be interested, or (most often) just don't think they would understand me enough because of my (and their) inability to communicate or express myself effectively.
I would entertain suicide a hell of a lot more than I do, but I don't want to upset people who care about me. And it comforts me little that people care about me. They care about their conception of me based on my actions, as if my actions were the full reflection of my thoughts and desires. So I get to keep living and suffering and taking whatever minor joys I can find in entertainment or botanicals. And I don't know what to do about any of this, and I have to pour it all out in this over-long post because I have too much pride to seek such help for more minor problems.

I feel exactly the same. The only thing that keep me going is a hope.
A hope of know a lot of things, enough to have the authority to rule those who upset me.