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I can't get these violent thoughts out of my head Im a creep

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Disraeli
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31 Dec 2012, 2:18 am

Help!!

A year ago I lost my job.

It was because I worked in a hospital and got fired for sexually harassing a nurse over facebook,.

I first became acquainted with her over a year and a half ago.

Then I looked her up on facebook, created an anonymous account and started messaging her. I freaked her out. I have never forgiven myself for it.

Now a year later a just found out this nurse got pregnant.

I can't get it out my head the thought of her having sex.

I don't know why.

I see a counselor but she hasn't helped me with this.

Next Christmas she will have a new baby.

This is making me depressed and have great anxiety.

I got violent thoughts running through my head.

I am a creep and wish I was never born. Why the f**k do I have Asperger's.

Everyone is scared of me or wary of me.



Last edited by Disraeli on 31 Dec 2012, 2:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Declension
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31 Dec 2012, 2:33 am

Disraeli wrote:
Then I looked her up on facebook, created an anonymous account and started messaging her. I freaked her out. I have never forgiven her for it.


It should be the other way around. You did something wrong, and it's up to her to decide whether or not to forgive you.

But if you are angry at her, maybe that can help. Maybe you should think of it like this: by obsessing over her, you are allowing her life to control your life. You are giving her a lot of power. You should remove her power over you by forgetting all about this chapter of your life. If she causes you to do something violent, then she will have (accidentally) destroyed your life. You don't want that to happen.

I got creepy and obsessive when I had my first crush. One of the happiest days of my life came years later, when I realised that I could look back on that chapter and laugh it off. You can do that too someday.



Disraeli
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31 Dec 2012, 2:58 am

Declension wrote:
Disraeli wrote:
Then I looked her up on facebook, created an anonymous account and started messaging her. I freaked her out. I have never forgiven her for it.


It should be the other way around. You did something wrong, and it's up to her to decide whether or not to forgive you.

But if you are angry at her, maybe that can help. Maybe you should think of it like this: by obsessing over her, you are allowing her life to control your life. You are giving her a lot of power. You should remove her power over you by forgetting all about this chapter of your life. If she causes you to do something violent, then she will have (accidentally) destroyed your life. You don't want that to happen.

I got creepy and obsessive when I had my first crush. One of the happiest days of my life came years later, when I realised that I could look back on that chapter and laugh it off. You can do that too someday.


I meant to say I have never forgiven myself for it. I am so tired and should have edited my post before submitting it.



quaker
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31 Dec 2012, 3:24 am

Try and have mercy on yourself.
Everyone is deserving of forgiveness.
We are all imperfect.



Dreamfox
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31 Dec 2012, 6:09 am

You write that you have thoughts of sex and thoughts of violence. I am writing to say that it is ok to have those kind of thoughts, it is only when we act upon them and/or if they control our lives that they are harmful. I myself often have thoughts of harming others, imagining their heads exploding, violent sex and worse stuff than that. I do know, however, that these are thoughts that are wrong to act upon and I take them for what they are, harmless thoughts. How do you react when a thought like that comes to mind? Do you embrace it, exploring every nuance of it? Do you feel ashamed and try to push it away? Do you feel that it would be amoral to commit that act but nothing wrong with the thought itself, letting it flow through your mind at its own pace and eventually leaving you?

The third way is the one I try to use. I can not control my thoughts, but I do not let them control me either. My unconscious mind sometimes has directions of its own that I find it hard to control, directions that are painful (anxiety) but that can also let me do wondrous connections that I know others (neurotypicals) are not capable of. I try to embrace my mind, every facet of it. I am not saying that you should but I hope that my text has given you a bit of perspective to reflect upon.



Disraeli
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31 Dec 2012, 11:03 am

Dreamfox wrote:
You write that you have thoughts of sex and thoughts of violence. I am writing to say that it is ok to have those kind of thoughts, it is only when we act upon them and/or if they control our lives that they are harmful. I myself often have thoughts of harming others, imagining their heads exploding, violent sex and worse stuff than that. I do know, however, that these are thoughts that are wrong to act upon and I take them for what they are, harmless thoughts. How do you react when a thought like that comes to mind? Do you embrace it, exploring every nuance of it? Do you feel ashamed and try to push it away? Do you feel that it would be amoral to commit that act but nothing wrong with the thought itself, letting it flow through your mind at its own pace and eventually leaving you?

The third way is the one I try to use. I can not control my thoughts, but I do not let them control me either. My unconscious mind sometimes has directions of its own that I find it hard to control, directions that are painful (anxiety) but that can also let me do wondrous connections that I know others (neurotypicals) are not capable of. I try to embrace my mind, every facet of it. I am not saying that you should but I hope that my text has given you a bit of perspective to reflect upon.


No I don't embrace it. It ruminates in my head for a couple minutes than it passes. But whenever someone mentions a baby or I see someone who looks familiar it makes me think of her.



Disraeli
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02 Jan 2013, 4:19 am

What's weird is over the last few weeks I've been thinking about the possibility of her being pregnant. It was just a random thought ...



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02 Jan 2013, 10:31 am

The thing about this particular obsession that catches my eye is that it was always based on hope/imagination. There was nothing real. Its pretty common to have an obsessive crush. I mean many people get those. But its also very common for it not to work out and have the other person not interested. It's not easy to find a good match for a relationship.

But its time to let her off the hook and realize she did nothing wrong and leave her be, even in your mind. Thats doing the right thing. Then learn from the situation that you can get carried away by your own imagination/obsessing. Your not alone, as many of us have that to some extent. Work however to take control, and not waste time in unreality, and especially fight against dwelling on negative/violent thoughts. Put it behind you and instead work towards a healthy real relationship. Others have and you most likely can too.



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02 Jan 2013, 3:25 pm

I had the same problem for a while. I was obsessed with an ex of mine but we had remained friends, and when the girl he cheated on with me and I saw he had a new girlfriend we posted comments on one of his statuses about what a prick he was to us and he blocked me because I called him a homophobic name. The only thing that stopped my obsession was when he blocked me. True, shortly afterward I made a second Facebook account to stalk, but after about a month of that it got old and I realized how rude I was being - he blocked me; I had no right to make a second account to evade it.

Hard as it may be, I would either block her or - more effective - ask her to block you.


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02 Jan 2013, 10:27 pm

Disraeli wrote:
Help!!

A year ago I lost my job.

It was because I worked in a hospital and got fired for sexually harassing a nurse over facebook,.

I first became acquainted with her over a year and a half ago.

Then I looked her up on facebook, created an anonymous account and started messaging her. I freaked her out. I have never forgiven myself for it.

Now a year later a just found out this nurse got pregnant.

I can't get it out my head the thought of her having sex.

I don't know why.

I see a counselor but she hasn't helped me with this.

Next Christmas she will have a new baby.

This is making me depressed and have great anxiety.

I got violent thoughts running through my head.

I am a creep and wish I was never born. Why the f**k do I have Asperger's.

Everyone is scared of me or wary of me.

This is too complicated to solve over the internet, but here's some thoughts:
Do you see a psychiatrist for meds?
Perhaps you should switch therapists, and while you are at it, get a male one (and a male psychiatrist too).
Female mental health professionals may get a little (or maybe even a lot) intimidated by your situation. Be sure to be clear with any new professionals that you find these thought disturbing, you want to get rid of hem, and you have no plan on acting on any of it.


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Entek
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03 Jan 2013, 3:53 am

To get attached to someone youve not actualy got permission to be attached to, then have unusual thoughts about that person when their life goes in a direction your not happy with - hmm i can relate.

Is the only solution to this meds? Forgetting about this person isnt very easy for some of us...



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03 Jan 2013, 4:20 am

I have violent thoughts kind of like yours. My pediatrician says is caused by anxiety and is nothing to be ashamed of


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Disraeli
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03 Jan 2013, 3:38 pm

John_Browning wrote:
Disraeli wrote:
Help!!

A year ago I lost my job.

It was because I worked in a hospital and got fired for sexually harassing a nurse over facebook,.

I first became acquainted with her over a year and a half ago.

Then I looked her up on facebook, created an anonymous account and started messaging her. I freaked her out. I have never forgiven myself for it.

Now a year later a just found out this nurse got pregnant.

I can't get it out my head the thought of her having sex.

I don't know why.

I see a counselor but she hasn't helped me with this.

Next Christmas she will have a new baby.

This is making me depressed and have great anxiety.

I got violent thoughts running through my head.

I am a creep and wish I was never born. Why the f**k do I have Asperger's.

Everyone is scared of me or wary of me.

This is too complicated to solve over the internet, but here's some thoughts:
Do you see a psychiatrist for meds?
Perhaps you should switch therapists, and while you are at it, get a male one (and a male psychiatrist too).
Female mental health professionals may get a little (or maybe even a lot) intimidated by your situation. Be sure to be clear with any new professionals that you find these thought disturbing, you want to get rid of hem, and you have no plan on acting on any of it.


I see a social worker for counselling and I am on 10mgs of Ciprelex. I was previously on Prozac but when I got into trouble a year ago my family doctor switched my medication to Ciprelex.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think this woman owes me anything, I am just describing the warped thoughts in my head and I don't really have an explanation why they're there, they just are.



Disraeli
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04 Jan 2013, 2:26 pm

Just tell me how to commit suicide i want to get this over with.



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04 Jan 2013, 4:49 pm

Disraeli wrote:
Just tell me how to commit suicide i want to get this over with.


Uhm....... no.

I used to have a lot of creepy and harmful thoughts going through my head. I decided to take the plunge and place myself in the care of a therapist who specializes in dealing with those sorts of issues. That was a year ago. I see him once a week, he gives me homework, he wrote up a list of rules for me to abide by, and I've been doing all that he has been telling me to do. And what happened is I am dealing with those issues head-on, and I am becoming a more confident and happy person because I am seeing progress.

I am not going to tell you how to commit suicide, but I will give you a paragraph concerning how I am recovering from issues like that.